When I was in my OCPD mode I had a sense of myself defined by my tasks and roles in life. That structure fell apart when I had the breakdown, but I fell into a sea of emotional chaos. Now I have the sense of self that I described on my previous blog. I was discussing it today with my therapist. It’s kind of like this round ball that I can carry around with me and trust that it will guide me in more or less a good direction in my interactions with people. Very, very different from what the OCPD felt like.
My therapist is pregnant with her first child. I’ve had two children. So, every woman who has ever become pregnant knows what that feels like. And you listen to others and read books about pregnancy but until you actually experience it first-hand you don’t know what that experience is.
Similarly for me with this sense of self thing. I’ve read a lot of psychology books over the last 50 years. But reading about – an ego, I guess? – is not at all the same as experiencing it and HAVING it. I didn’t have it a month ago and now I do.
I’ve still got a lot of learning to do about interpersonal relationships, learning that I apparently just couldn’t do without the sense of self. I didn’t have the basic equipment to learn with. And since I didn’t learn earlier I’m still basically afraid of rejection and ridicule.
Anybody got some suggestions? Or maybe it comes down to risking some rejection and ridicule, counting on my ego to sustain me?