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Running away from Intimacy?



I found this on the net regarding 3 intimacy-blockers, found here

Feeling unworthy of love

We all know the old adage: In order to love someone you have to love yourself first. I would add self-acceptance to the requirement for you and your partner to develop a deep and fulfilling emotional connection. When you feel unworthy of love, or ashamed of some parts of yourself, or your life, you have no choice but to close parts of yourself off to your partner. Intimacy is a two-way street that will suffer when one of you cannot give and receive love. Your rejection of love (and intimacy) may not be immediately apparent or it can be obvious--either way, your relationship will not reach its full potential.

Take a few moments to think about whether or not you feel truly worthy of love. If you do not, it may be helpful to begin to explore why you feel this way about yourself. Every one of us deserves love, and it's important for you and your relationship that you incorporate this truth into your life.

>> Yah, it is true to me that I am somewhat ashamed of my past, I have a hard time seeing my accomplishments... I compensate by trying to please by finding out what a loved one likes and act it out. But I am on my way to fixing that. Everyone has issues. I am dealing with mine!

2. Losing yourself within the relationship

There are three parts to your relationship: You, your partner (each of you bring unique identities to the union), and the relationship itself (the "we" that intimacy and commitment create). For some, intimacy (and the responsibilities of a long-term committed relationship) can lead to a sense of feeling lost.

When you cannot hold onto the boundaries that define you, you will feel entangled in your partner's needs and unable to protect what's most important to you. It can feel like you're constantly sacrificing for the sake of the relationship--fighting to stay afloat in the undercurrents of the "we." A lack of confidence in your ability to set limits with your partner can add to your weakened sense of self.

Ultimately, you need to feel grounded within the walls of yourself, while experiencing a deep connection with your partner—not always an easy task. What steps can you take to nurture your own individuality while strengthening your commitment to the relationship?

>> boundaries, a thing that I have yet to define for myself! And I will. and I am.

3. Fear of loss

Often our greatest fears arise out of the possibility of losing what is most important to us. Some people never become completely open to the gift of intimacy because they are trapped by the fear that it can be taken away at any moment. Giving yourself permission to love and share all of yourself is the hallmark of a meaningful emotional connection.

When intimacy is funneled through the fear that your partner may abandon you unexpectedly, you will guard your deepest longings for connection--never allowing yourself the openness required for intimacy to grow.

Does it feel like you hold back because of a fear of loss? If so, what do you think accounts for this pattern? Once you become mindful of this pattern, bring your awareness to the aspects of your relationship that counter these fears.

>> Again, this one I am lost for a little bit. All I know is I often fear losing someone, what happens next is I don't talk about how I feel, but no real intimacy can be created on a half-lie right? the thing is, I am unsure in one hand that there is someone outhere for me, that will accept how I feel, so I hold back big time on this. I must learn to a] trust that it is possible that a guy will in fact accept how I feel b] I must learn to accept how someone feels, even if it is critisim, or an opinion or taste that is different than mine, while ALSO respecting my, hum 'boundaries' or whatever, and c] I must be convinced that there will be someone out there for me. The balance with all this is a true challenge. The trust that it is ok if either I find someone I can deal with, or I can deal with it if I do not find anyone! :eek:

Any one of these intimacy-blockers can have a profound impact on your marriage or relationship. Your first step is to note how you feel and react whenever your partner makes attempts to become emotionally closer to you. If you become uncomfortable or behave in ways that undermine intimacy, work toward becoming more mindful of your reactions.

>> I do get 'uncomfortable' a lot... Now, being mindful of my reaction is skill that I am learning slowwwwly.


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