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Hellllo woooorld! It's me, Toury, are you there?

Hi! OH HI!!! Yes, I am back. Yep it's been a while. Hum, where to start? Well, yesterday I was just reflecting that despite a lot of things that haven't gone so well this year, well, I feel GOOD. Ah! What has happened? Or what hasn't happen? Well, let's start with what's happen: In a nutshell, I still have the same job. And it's gggggrrrreeat! I absolutely love my boss. I think it's truly the first time in my life that I feel like my boss is my friend. I make mistakes, and it's OK! Reeall

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I wish I could just not have to work or something

it seems I do best when I can work by myself. Otherwise quickly, a lot of people despise me. Or so it seems. I just keep on irritating people. Right now, my boss really likes me! Which is great, but the people in the office don't [all the girls that is]. Story of my life. It gives me a lot of anxiety and depression. You know, it's just one of those things where there is something just wrong enough with you that people run from you, but you're not quite sure how to fix it. You just keep on doi

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3 months smoke free!

Hello people, yep still alive... it's my three months anniversary of no smoke which is great. However, my moods are not improving. I need to see a therapist again I think. I don't know why every spring, it seems, drama strikes.

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Day 50 Smoke free

Well, I am feeling better now. It's been 50 days since my last smoke and I feel good about that! I rarely have an urge to smoke now. I also lost 3 lb. Not crazy but better than nothing. I got a nasty bronchitis which really brought me down for the last two weeks. I am still wheezing! I know I damaged my lungs with smoking... I am r-walking 3 times a week... so far so good. cheers

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Light Therapy

Hi folks, well I am back on anti-depression pills. It doesn't please me, but something had to be done. I get really 'lazy' with my healthy habits, or I forget what they were and I forget that, probably, without all this work, I will always be depressed, and anxious. My body seems to be like this. I think I perceive that people around me are not doing healthy things and a better off, but the truth is that, it all depends what you're measuring. All this to say that, I will continue on the meds,

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That meh feeling

it' s a feeling I have to disregard about 70% of the days. Maybe 100% of days right now. I just feel like nobody really cares about me. Especially in the 3D world. Maybe I just don't try hard enough to help others and be jollie and caring and listening. I just don't understand. I guess if it would be clear what I would have to do in order not to feel so lonely all the time, isolated, ignored, than I would do it... like a recipe to be applied. Maybe I don't help others enough. Or when I do...It

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again with narcissism

Here is something I don't know what to do with. Sometimes I get tick off big time when I do not get recognition, and even more ticked off when other people around me get it. Well, lately, I have been frustrated with R. And I was wondering why I was soooo angry at her, to the point of being passive agro at work. [yes, we unforch, work together now] Well, it's because she gets praises from my bosses and I feel like I never do... Meanwhile, I notice when she's hiding and f'in the dog...but I won'

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week 3 day 3

I am at week 3 and day 3 of my r-walk program... It's going good. Now I want to integrate a food program. But I m not quite ready... The end goal is too improve self esteem but mostly overall health and reduce stress.

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Battling addiction: 3 weeks in - Now what?

MILESTONE: THE 3 WEEKS TRIAL PERIOD IS OVER, NOW WHAT? Allen Carr, probably the best method for ceasing smoking said that it took about three weeks [or 21 days] to ween yourself off the physical addiction to nicotine [well this is based on lab tests on people]... WELL, I made it through three weeks of this. Wow! Amazing and cool, but the battle continue, to completely annihilate the enemy, because it is an enemy. New challenges arises. It's not the pang anymore, but for me, it's the panoply of

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pretty funny

When I don't feel too hot, I watch some videos like it's so weird it's funny, can't help but whistle the tune afterward. and then this one tro lo lo lo lo -lo lo lo tro lo lo

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on the other hand

today just came out of a 3.5h meeting at work. sometimes I wonder if I did the right choice. I feel like I want to cry now. Before the meeting ended, I felt like having a smoke!!!! Just feel like I am not appreciated again. that my position could easily be replaced. why do I always feel like that? and I sort of feel resentful towards R. She annoys me now. Her success, even though she doesn't work very hard. The fact that she seems to use me: she wants to ;hang out' but only if it's on her own

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day 20

From Neuroplasty "So here we are. We have this exciting news and research showing that we can actually change the neural pathways in our brains based on the actions we take in life. Millions and millions of evolution of the brain have given us this awe inspiring organ that has more connections than we can comprehend." I agree. Day1 week 3 > run/walk Day20 smoke free

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Day 14 [done with Heck week]

well it's been 14 days without a smoke. cold turkey. I feel pretty good. I hardly feel pangs anymore, although still a little. But very vulnerable to 'wanting a smoke', especially after a stressful day at work, after saying all the guys smoking at work on the breaks or after work. I told everyone that I stopped so it would have felt embarrassing to ask for a smoke, which was a good thing. Delayed long enough to go home. 14 days, you would think: might as well...keep on going! Plus, I am week

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No to roadblock

1. Morning Roadblock: YOU'RE SLEEPY WHAT'S HAPPENING "The predawn hours are challenging because body temperature and heart rate dip to their lowest point at this time," Moffitt says. "In the presence of light, body temperature and heart-rate increase, which makes it easier to be active." The carbohydrates in your last meal play a role, too. If you skipped dinner or ate fast-digesting carbs like rice, bread, or sugary desserts, your glycogen levels will be depleted, making it even harder to muste

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run walk in the rain

running today again. in the rain. again but I am so glad to get out the house.... it's a struggle. have a great day

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food

Just my notes again. As I was mentioning, My BMI is now not healthy for my height. So, now is a time a good as ever to go back to the original [physical] me. little by little. As soon as I had started my destructive 'phase' about 5 years ago, another part of me was growing. The one that wanted to be healthy, mentally and physically. There's been ups and downs, but the healthy dude in me has gotten stronger and has gained a lot of tricks from observing the destructive dude. There's a lot of thi

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I'm a quitter Yo! and a turkey. 7days

Well, it's been7 days in this journey so far so good I feel great I really really feel like I have more energy, the bags under my eyes are smaller I've gained weight [20 lb !], but oh well. small trade off that I am addressing now. [separated issue] Well, now it's on to what they call Heck week. The 'hell week' the first 7 days are the hardest, as you are fighting off both physical withdrawal symptoms [which are the worst -so they say- of all drugs]. After hell week, there's a new challenge. th

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Day 1

So this is it. DAY 1 smoke free, tonight, 9:00pm. Wish me strength. What I know: 1] the pangs are going to be at about 3-4 cravings from day 1 to day 3 [1 to 72 hours] 2] They are going to be at their climax at day3-4 with probably 6 cravings a day, lasting from 5 to 30 minutes, so I am going to think about this most of the day and night! 3] At day 5, the cravings are going to go down to 3 a day 4] At day 7, they are going to be 1-2 a day 5] At day 10, one a day, this is the end of what they cal

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healthy habits

I got this from a personal coaching website. Habits are automated to a certain extent. they are things we do mostly without thinking. There's a whole lot of 'bad habits' we know of in ourselves. Sometimes we'd like to do 'good things' but we just don't... It does take some effort. But one thing is clear, defining what we really want, and simplifying our list to the 'essential' things that we would like to change is the best way to change. There are many things we'd like to change, of course.

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"Is that so" - grass is as green everywhere

I love the story of the zen monk who gets something and who people tell him he is a great great man, and who simply responds to himself mostly : "is that so?". And then things and praises are taken away and people treats him with disrespect and he answers again: "is that so?" Many time in my life I am reminded that reality is always changing, whether we like or dislike the temporary outcome. It is a great mistery that I always try to uncover... what is this? who am I? why is this happening? It

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well

I am still not over the big addiction. Nicotine that is. I feel pretty sad and disappointed that I try and try to quit and I can't. Set a new day to quit, not feeling ready but will I ever? It's a struggle and believe me when I say I do understand anyone with an addiction. I am addicted to many things in life: sugar, eating, the internet... but nothing like this. I want it to be over so badly yet there is something stopping me. Is it will? Is it something hidden in my subconscious that blocks my

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Cognitive distortions or reality and counteracting them

So, here we go. Here is my process below to counter act my erroneous thinking with new rational, reality based affirmations. a] "I am worthless, inadequate, unlovable and deficient." WHY is this True? -all my past actions demonstrate this. -but I also have had a lot of success. there is two thing here. first, am I willing to quantify all of my past failures, versus, all of my past successes and see which wins? Second, are these actions actually quantifiable? If I was to list them all and classi

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The imp of the perverse, reactance and relapses

I read an interesting article that resonated with me in my efforts in different areas of my life that I would like to make positive changes. It is said that, sometimes when you try to prevent yourself from doing something, you are even more prone to doing it, just because it has entered your mind, this whether the suggestion is positive or negative. For example, it you say: "it is not raining", your brain has first to process "it's raining" and then negate it... So, apparently, one way to counte

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Surrounding yourself

my dear friend with cancer call me today. He was in a cheery mood, shocklingly. But it was a bit of a relief, in the eye of the storm. We talked briefly as he was just having a visitor. I felt good about hearing his voice for a lil bit and then not so good. I reflected on the fact that he reacted quickly, and involved me, and rallied many friends for help. His girlfriend was by his side, his parents are soon flying in to be with him through this, many many friends called and visited, including

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