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Long Drawn Out Confessional *



-I have NEVER told this to a soul....EVER...

at the age of 10 or 11, I was traumatized in the woods by several older boys. Many pieces of my memory are missing. Whether I was gang raped or not I can't remember. All I do remember is the terror and humiliation once I made it back home. Those feelings of being chased and hunted have never left me. It manages to manifest itself in every part of my life.

For over 30 years I have felt watched,spied on and being a subject for someone else's study. Government and aliens even....I feel all my actions and even inactions are being recorded - manipulated even. I believe in different levels of existence. This world, this universe is too big to suggest we are the only sentient life around. I know I have been tested on and I fear my family has as well. I choose to isolate from people because when my energy mixes with others it causes chaos.

The TV first talked to me in my mid-20's. It actually spoke directly to me about a comment I had made. Since then I have had a handful of moments with direct communications with the TV..needless to say I don't watch much TV..television air waves, radio waves, microwaves, cell phone air waves...all these things interfere with brain waves....

The voices I hear I have learned to ignore. Sometimes the voices get frustrated and scream my name over and over. I ignore that as much as I can. I stopped worrying about all the satellites tracking me along time ago, but it is always in my mind....for so many years, I spent waiting on "them" to just haul me away. It is to the point now, I just wish someone would haul me away out of my misery.

My thoughts and perceptions twist me inside and out. As a result of my childhood trauma, I believe I disconnected from myself. Mind you I had very little to begin with. Being adopted into a family with four older brothers, an emotionally unavailable father and a closet drinking alcoholic for a mother-who while doing the best she could had to make sure all outside appearances looked "normal".

Not knowing where I came from, not knowing who I was, I never really expressed any emotion to my family other than my anger as a child. I internalized everything about me. I felt at fault for all wrong around me.

My juvenile mind thought that if I acted out and got the attention of my brothers..they would come to my rescue...you know, show me the errors of my ways. I didn't make it easy, I figured if they had to work for it--they really cared....they didn't. looking back I don't believe I mattered enough to them. They saw me as nothing more than a nuisance and a problem. They had neither the desire nor the inclination to involved themselves in my life.

I then spent many years searching for someone to love me unconditionally....I settled for a man that does love me unconditionally, unfortunately, I am not in love with him, he is the father of my children and we have been married for 22 years...I do love him, I am just not "in love" with him...

My life is full of voices, hallucinations, believing in test tube baby experiments, smelling awful smells that I am convinced are generated by feelings and emotions. I am part of a secret test study that can never be revealed to me because it would null the test. I am completely detaching from reality. I have held onto what little sanity I could. Now it feels like sand flowing through my fingers...I am looking down a long tunnel-being sucked in...I am losing myself to this madness. I have held on as long as I can. I have tried prescribed medication and self medication..neither of them work for very long....mostly I just pretend I am like everyone else. it is getting harder and harder to pretend.

My tenuous grip on sanity is weakening. the shadows are back and this time they have faces. Will the watchers ever step in? They know I can heal when compelled. the need must be great and the connection a close one, but I showed them I was capable of healing, not harming. I will never willingly harm anyone. maybe that is where I failed their tests...

My mind is tired. My psychotic behavior is being learned by my kids. That is heartbreaking. I would NEVER kill myself, but the thoughts of suicide are never far from my thoughts. everyday I think about it...logically I know it would do more harm than good. I am scared of losing it all together.

this is but a small part of my life and the world as I see it. I have NEVER been able to talk about this to anyone. My husband and children know some, but not all...they think I am "fine" and as long as I keep on pretending, what is the problem? what little I have discussed with doctors got me nowhere....I guess it is because I was not completely open about everything going on in my head...How can I tell someone these off the wall things? Logically, my mind tells me this is not how most people think, but realistically it is how I think....


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