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About this blog

The entries here will ramble at best. I am going to unload here. some of the posts will be short and sweet. others will be long and drawn out. They will all be from my heart and mind. Hopefully gaining insight while getting the courage to find

Entries in this blog

same old same old

I live my life on the verge of panic every day. My adrenaline is wearing me out. Now for a time I am able to clearly see how it is a waste of time and energy to constantly worry and fret over things that have not even happened yet. Naturally I am unable to express my thoughts as usual. The constant headaches are wearisome. Whether I want to worry or not my mind and body take over and I am just along for the ride. I wish I could put to words all of my thoughts. *sigh:confused:
nancyannee

nancyannee

1

did it get any better?

Well I spent six days in the "looney bin" as my "loving daughter" refers to it. When she is drinking she lets her true feelings come out. she pretends to support me but she really is very angry at me. she says she hates me...I don't doubt it. I take my meds and feel and act like a zombie. I would rather have the voices and visions.more like energy residuals instead of actually seeing people. they are not scary. I know other people can't see them although they are there.....I still have though
nancyannee

nancyannee

2

feeling stalked

is tiring. confusing, and just plain exhausting. it gets to the point, you just wish it would be over....As my mind goes over the options, my heart races to distraction. I have handled my own illness without going to jail or being hospitalized involuntarily. My daughter (21) is just like me...only worse....youth is wasted o the young. she is clueless. When I was her age I lashed out. angry all the time. She has a huge heart and blames herself (just as I did) for everything around her. I was una
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

trying to concentrate

I can't think clearly. my heart is pounding. just beating and beating. like I am running a marathon. yet I am at a standstill. the world is passing my by and I am letting it go.
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

The thought of letting go

and admitting what has been going on with my thoughts and feelings is unexplainable. I am unable to express in words because my mind is ALL OVER THE PLACE. My shadows are up close and personal now. I am on auto-pilot about to crash and burn... At this point that is not an unpleasant thought. I have faith that everything will work out as it was meant to, good or bad. I will either survive or not. I just choose to believe EVERYTHING will be okay. For so many years now I have focused on my Mama.
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

Letters to my brothers

From my earliest memory I wondered if I really belonged within my family. Learning I was adopted didn't make me feel lucky, it made me feel worry. Where did I come from? Why did my birthmother give me away? as children do, I figured it must have been some flaw in me. I knew I would have to work hard to show I wanted to belong. How does a young child show that? by not crying, not getting upset or angry. always wanting to help out and be a part of things. always wanting to be involved. By the
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

R.i.p. 03-20-1931 - 04-23-2009

My Mama's funeral was today. I am so sorry she is gone, but glad this day is over. Had I the courage to speak at her funeral this is what I would have said.... Being her only daughter I was often spoiled by her generosity. The irony was that being spoiled by her love left me with little knowledge of how to handle the complications in life. You see, she always appreciated the little things in life. She taught that it is better to give than to receive and to never ask anything in return. Mama lov
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

Long Drawn Out Confessional *

-I have NEVER told this to a soul....EVER... at the age of 10 or 11, I was traumatized in the woods by several older boys. Many pieces of my memory are missing. Whether I was gang raped or not I can't remember. All I do remember is the terror and humiliation once I made it back home. Those feelings of being chased and hunted have never left me. It manages to manifest itself in every part of my life. For over 30 years I have felt watched,spied on and being a subject for someone else's study. Gov
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

yet again

I sit here staring at the screen. I raced to the computer. thoughts flowing through my head. I decide to sit down and actually write down what I am feeling. As soon as I sit down I lose whatever thoughts caused me to jump in the first place....*sigh*
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

scatter brain

today was a bad for me. It felt like the world was crashing down around me. panicky, nervous, paranoid, suspicious, doubtful,sad, worried, and worst of all guilty. I am short changing everyone around me. a major trigger, my writing. I write at home, in private never showing anyone my true thoughts. NEVER have I talked about myself without holding back or hiding the truth. Usually when I meet people I will disappear from their lives. Many people I used to work with (its been 3 years since I las
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

worries and thoughts....my reality

Feelings of fear and terror. My heart is racing. I find fault with everything. I worry about every little thing. The police are coming to get me...I bounced two checks, the money is direct deposit. They will get their money. they always do. but maybe this time, they are tired of it and will get a warrant for them. sure I could get the money to pay up, but that would mean asking, no demanding my brothers step in and help me take care of Mama .Also, I look for the gas to be shut-off, I know they w
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

Good Grief

Every time I find the words to go with all the emotions and feelings I have, I get ready to express myself and the words fly right out of my head................
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

I can't believe it

I cannot believe I have posted some of my deepest darkest secrets. these secrets I have held close for many years. I am going to leave them out there. it is how I feel and what I believe.
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

what is my purpose?

I always asked myself that question.... I take care of my Mama. She has four grown biological children that take NO part in her life. I know that if I was not here to take care of her, she would be in a nursing home. She is not long in this world and I will miss her, somehow, I feel like my life is waiting to start after she if gone. I love her. I will miss her when she is gone. Even with everything I do for her, I am scared I will feel like I have failed her and it will be my fault she died.
nancyannee

nancyannee

0

Where do I go from here?

I am going to post in a blog instead of posting regularly. I seem to ramble and this is the best place to unload....maybe it will help. it certainly can't hurt....let's see....where to begin... 41 years old. adopted at 7 weeks, into a family of 4 boys. and a mother who lost a baby girl nine months to the day when they brought me home to still birth... I never connected. I was told very early of my adoption. The only memories I have of my early childhood are of me all alone. My adoptive mother fi
nancyannee

nancyannee

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