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Well, something tells me I haven't updated this thing lately. Specifically it's me that tells me.

I think it's because I feel increasingly as if I'm two different people. Now, I've often said that I feel as if there were different components inside me at the same time: a censor, who tries to keep me out of trouble, probably unnecessarily; a childish part, who would like to have fun if he knew what that was; and "the real me", who unfortunately seems to function mostly as an observer. These facets seem to co-exist at the same time; it's just that one of them tends to be dominant at any given time.

The new feeling is different. I feel like I behave almost like different people at different times. Sometimes (it seems like most of the time, lately) I behave like a person I can respect. I'm gentle, caring, patient ... Okay, so what's the problem, given that this seems to represent considerable progress over both my behavior and self-image of just a few months ago?

The rest of the time I act like a complete asshole. It's most noticeable in traffic, and I used to ascribe it to road rage. But there are other times.

And it's not that frequent, and I could be exaggerating the importance of those negative times, as I have a tendency to do. But I am concerned about the difference, particularly as I begin to feel pretty close to my "target self", during the better times. I have a hard time understanding how I can accept being that "other person" at all, any more, or why I would want to be.

Hey, it might be time to start looking up therapists, again.


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What the heck is dichoto? I think you are probably dwelling to much on the negative part of yourself. From what I can see on here you are mostly the nice part not the bad part. I'm thinking that noone is perfect, there will always be times when you act in a way that is not nice, I doubt you're an asshole, I hate that word! Alot of people get angry in traffic and other times. That doesn't make you a bad person and it also doesn't erase all the good parts of you. I probably misunderstood but maybe instead of it being separate people it's just different parts of you're personality. Some things make you cranky, like traffic, but you're still a good person just because you have moments of not being perfectly patient and kind, it doesn't change who you are.

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I was trying to work in the word "dichotomy", which means "something having two parts". (Pronounced "dike-otto-me".)

You might be right. It's just really unpleasant to watch myself behave like that.

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well, now you know what you dont like, you know how you want to behave in traffic, so i'd say just make the changes as best as you can, and eventually you will have made the change and you can sit in traffic and say, thank god im not flipping people off and throwing ketchup bottles. :(

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Well, Malign, I think you are a nice person too. I know what you mean though about having this side of yourself that is angry [i don't think you're an arsehole at all!], and does stuff that is out of character and upsetting to the other part of yourself, that one, the real one, the good one!

What I am trying to say Malign is that I really don't think that you're an arsehole in any way shape or form. At all! But, maybe you feel angry sometimes, and maybe the other part of you is sooooo nice all the time, to everyone, that it tells you: "you don't have the right to be angry!' Or 'angry is unacceptable!'. Maybe you have seen someone in your life that was angry a lot, and you refuse to be like that at all cost. But it resurfaces in traffic and what not, is just a way that one part of you is trying to tell you "Hey! You! Nice guy! Stop being nice all the time! Your needs are not being met" or, 'someone is being disrespectful to you and you stand there and say nothing to defend yourself, well I'll do it for you then!"

Does that make sense? You have a right to be angry! Perhaps it shows up unexpectedly, like in traffic, and you don't recognize and don't approve of yourself. But it shows up because it needs to be acknowledged? Something needs to be done?

I am certainly am really afraid of my own anger. I fear it may show up all wrong and disproportionate sometimes. I get how you feel. I think.

When feelings like that come up, is there a way to see if there are some other areas [not necessarily traffic] where you've tucked anger away deep, because you felt the situation couldn't be resolved...Because, there may be solutions for those things, and somehow, next thing you know, is 'hey, I am not aggressive in traffic anymore, what the?'

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