Well, something tells me I haven't updated this thing lately. Specifically it's me that tells me.
I think it's because I feel increasingly as if I'm two different people. Now, I've often said that I feel as if there were different components inside me at the same time: a censor, who tries to keep me out of trouble, probably unnecessarily; a childish part, who would like to have fun if he knew what that was; and "the real me", who unfortunately seems to function mostly as an observer. These facets seem to co-exist at the same time; it's just that one of them tends to be dominant at any given time.
The new feeling is different. I feel like I behave almost like different people at different times. Sometimes (it seems like most of the time, lately) I behave like a person I can respect. I'm gentle, caring, patient ... Okay, so what's the problem, given that this seems to represent considerable progress over both my behavior and self-image of just a few months ago?
The rest of the time I act like a complete asshole. It's most noticeable in traffic, and I used to ascribe it to road rage. But there are other times.
And it's not that frequent, and I could be exaggerating the importance of those negative times, as I have a tendency to do. But I am concerned about the difference, particularly as I begin to feel pretty close to my "target self", during the better times. I have a hard time understanding how I can accept being that "other person" at all, any more, or why I would want to be.
Hey, it might be time to start looking up therapists, again.