Help

[paul12000]

hello please help

have been in a on off relationship with a women for two years we are both 40.

when she was 21 her boyfriend fiance died in an accident leavin her with his baby who is 16 now ,, he thinks the world of me but i need to know whats wrong with his mother,,

for two years now she wants me then dont then does then dont again..the last episode saw her chase me back for 3 months when i gave in she was nice to me until christmas approached then went cold on me again did not want me around over christmas then finished it with me the day before new years eve then i found out on new years eve she went to a party with her ex how heartbreakin,,a week later she was on my case again and is not givin up she has called now for 3 months and i am tryin to be strong,,,i know she will be nice for 3 weeks then go cold again,,she wants a baby and want to commit to me but only when she is drunk then she is a different person,,she has angry outburst ,,she is really unaffectionate ,,she has deppression ,,avoids eye contact sometimes , she has no concern for how i feel,,she can be very cold ,,she drinks a lot ,, some5ttimes she dont wana be with me unlless shes drinkin ,,but she will not let me go..what has she got bi polar or border line shizaphrenia,,she is sending me mental HELP ME,,,,,,,

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello, Paul 12000 and welcome to our community,

I have a question for you that I would appreciate it if you could think about it and explain. The question is this: Why do you remain connected to a woman who treats you so badly?? Why don't you move on with your life and find someone with whom you can be happy? Sorry, that's two questions.

Also, a third question, can you tell us more about your self?

By the way, it just goes to show that you do not have to be a woman to be abused. Men also get abused.

Allan

[paul12000]

i think i dont move on cos she is so nice to me to get me back i always think she has seen sense this time,,i have told her i am seein someone else and she is talkin on the phone to me really nice now to get me back she says she has seen things in perspective,,i just wanted an answer to her behavior really ,,like a personallity disorder or something ,,

im a good lookin bloke ,about 8 pound over weight maybe but a hard worker own my own house,like a pint down the pub,and was always takin her to dinner,,go figure,,,

thanks paul

[paul12000]

ps

also a bit more about myself ..in my twentys i was a doorman or bouncer and at only five foot eight am still stocky.am also a popular fiqure in my local town because of my past so find this woman treating me like this unbelievable..can only put it down to two things, she used to think i was so besotted with her that she felt i was beneath her,,or she has a mental condition i want to know the name of, cos every other girl i have been out with has became besotted with me ,,what the hells going on ,,,,,!!!!

she must have something cos she sent me nutty for two years now and she still wont let me go ...help ,,help ,,

[paul12000]

its not getting better.she called 3 weeks ago and i said i did not wanna go out i was tired but i had to say that to keep her away..

i have kept her away now for 4 months

she kept sayin on the phone she misses me,and she has everything in perspective now ,but i know if i went backshe would be horrible within 3 weeks.

i have not been like this about anyone ever,,but i cant stop thinkin about her.

after all that time....why

[Mark]

There's a pattern here that you are well aware of. Once she has you, she treats you badly. However, when you leave, she becomes more desirous of you and treats you well again. So long as you are running away, she is running after you. The moment you stop and let her catch you, she is ready to push you out.

It feels so good to be sought after when you are distant, but it's an illusion that she will continue to be nice if you give her what she says she wants (e.g., your committment), based on previous repetitions of this destructive pattern. You might want to keep that firmly in mind as you consider what to do.

You're not alone in living this drama, by the way. This pattern is very common in abusive relationships, although often (at least from our correspondence which is largely from females) it is the woman who is being pursued and then put down. Read through the comments left on pages like this one and you'll see, I think.

It's not easy.

[paul12000]

thanks mark

it gave me things to think about,funny though every man and woen that knows me (i have had my fair share of girlfreinds by the way)would in there wildest dreams a women would come along and i would let her do this to me,

i yhink i kept goin back before cos i refused to admit a person would do this and then it goes on for so long it strangely becomes normal,,i keep trying to make snse of her behaviour,,it would if i thought she had some sort of personnalty disorder,with all your vast experienceand knowledge do you think this is possible ,,by the way ,no sign of her for 3 weeks now , looks like shes gone,,but why am i still crying over her after not being with her for 4 months now for gods sake,,

thanks o much for all your help and advice.

freind try to advice but your the a team,,,

paul