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Still here


JustTrying
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Hi all just wanted to let you all know that I am still around. Some things have gotten better, some worse. But tonight I am ok.

I haven't been on the computer much. I have made some friends and have been hanging out with them. Only bad thing about that is I have been drinking. Not for 2 days now.... but I have been.

Started my "work" program... it assists disabled people in getting a job. And I have not been doing too good with that. But they just found out Monday that I have a drinking problem and me and the head man are suppose to sit down and talk about this tomorrow. I went to see him today but he was not in today.

BUT yep.... OL GABS (jt) IS STILL AROUND!!!!:)

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JT,

I am glad to hear from you. This place lacks a certain something (a good something!) when you're absent for too long.

It's really great that you're out with people, but if you're out drinking with people that is going to have some problems associated with it to the extent that it causes your drinking to become more problematic. Please be careful. Drinking can make things worse as you well know. And when you are putting yourself out with people who are drinking (if that is the case??), you are more likely to drink yourself. Peer pressure is strong.

You've shared your ambivalence about not drinking here for a while, and while it is clear enough that you'd be better off not drinking, it has some appeal for you because you keep doing it.

How difficult would it be to go out with people who aren't drinkers? Do you know any? Even with the drinking part, getting out of the house still has some positive benefits.

Mark

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My new "friends" are not a good influance. I think I made them mad anyway. That could be a good thing. I spent all day Friday crying on and off. Did goto a NA meeting or 2. Met a few new people. They seem to be more my type than AA. But who knows. I do not think I will be able to go back for a while.

My husband insists that I go to TN with him this week. By doing that I will loose my job and I will be bored. However I will be safe. I will not be drinking... I guess. I need to be supervised right now. But by giving into him again , it will make me feel bad. If that makes sense.

If I insist on staying home and go see "B" Monday. I know he is going to want me to goto rehab. He tried to get me to goto Detox last week and I told him I do not get DT's . AT This point I do not , but if this continues, it won't be long.

Must be the depression from the Bipolar? I was rapid cycling. which is preferable to me than the winter and holiday depression I normally get. but I guess it has caught up with me. I drink to black out. i do it on purpose. That way I do not feel. I do not rememeber. I may be a real B or I may spend the day or days drinking and crying. Or Man I should not say this , but I had a few little "experiances" with younger men in the past few weeks.... that is not like me at all. i like older men, Plus I normallly would never do that.

I did not intend on drinking last week and spent most of the week drunk. How I wish I could stay home... go talk to B and go to work and be alright. But I do not know.

I need to get my life straight. I do not know if i told you all or not but I found out my Husband has had cancer for 6 months ... I found this out on Christmas Eve. So i must get my puzzle together. I do not know how long he has. He refuses to goto the doctor and have anything done. He says this is the reason we have not been intimate much . because he can't and he hurts too much. I had thought it was because I put on some weight and that he just didn't love me anymore because I am no good.

I feel no good right now. And I can't change my mind. considering the things I have done latelly. I can go talk to my therapist and he will tell me how wonderful I am and that I am a great person etc.... but he tells me that all the time. That is like me telling an ugily person that they are not ugily. Somethings just are what they are..

I do not know any people other than the AA group. and most of them are men. All the other people I have known over the years have long ago deserted me. These new "freiends' were younger people and yep I had a blast for a few days. But no I am better off not hanging out with them. Think I cussed them out the other day anyway... so that hopefully is that. But heck, I cussed everyone for 2 days the other week.

The "work" program is ok. But most of them are young and are into things I am not into . like rap music for example. there is more but, i do not want to offend anyone with my thoughts about how some young people behave now a days. The older people ( most of them) are people that work there and they are 'professionals" so they must keep their distance. Thay are freindly, but not allowed to fratinise out of work related things. Which is good too. Because I had a councelor one time that crossed the line. nothing happend because I said no.. but it messed my mind up for a while. People that wortk with the mentally ill should not behave that way. I felt taken advantage of .. sorta like a mental rape. ( if that makes sense) Because of him I will not go to the clubhouse or outpaitient. Because he is there.

Don't know what to do. I have been told when I am drinking that I turn into other People. I know there are about 7 of us anyway. But most of the time as far as aI know I know THEY are around. Mostly in my mind. But I was told the other day that it is like a switch flipping in me. that I turn into someone else. I didn't know that. I know I can forget who I am talking to and think they are someone else. but I did not know I changed. they said my voice, demeaner and everything changes.

I am thinking alcohol induced Psycosis (sp) .. My friends say paranoid schizo.. but they are not docs.. for that matter I am not either.

No NOT suicidal. But I am sooooooo very tired of all this. I want to just stay in bed 24 hrs a day.

Sorry didn't mean to ramble.

Gabs ( JT)

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