is still in complete misery with my thoughts

[anna86]

hello, i know i just posted yesterday but i feel like i have no other place to go.alot of ppl say just to go see a shrink but what if i cant afford a shrink?? i have been struggling with anxiety for as long as i can remember but most of the time i can handle it. about two years ago i had a really bad bout with anxiety it started becouse i thought i might be addicted to painkillers i was taking for my tooth, and started to like!! than when started thinking maybe i was addicted to them i immediately started my panic mode what made worse was in my state of panic i went visit my sister and was looking through pictures with her and came across a picture of one of my nieces and had a horrible thought run throughmy head and thats when my hell began it got so bad with the thoughts i couldnt eat sleep i just wanted die. i thought for sure i was going to start to like those thoughts and become a child molester or think about children in that way. i finally went to the dr and and he put me lexapro and klonapin i stayed on those for awhile and finally got over the panic of it all but still would have relapse every so often but could handle them. then about two weeks ago or so i found out i was pregnant and had to quit smoking i noticed i started having really bad anxiety thoughts again guilt becouse i wasnt exited about being pregnant, and it just excalated from there. i started to think what it" i start having those thoughts again how can i be a mother when im having these thoughts i cant bear them anymore and i feel like im going to lose control or i will start to like these thoughts and it makes me sick to my stomach i can't bear the thought of having these thoughts and having a baby. my husband trys to be there for me but doesnt know what its like to have compolsive thoughs that wont go away i just want to go away... and i know that this anxiety and worry cant be good for the baby.

Edited January 9, 2009 by anna86

[Guest ASchwartz]

Anna86,

Please do not apologize. We are here for you and want you to post as much as you want.

Therapy can be costly. First, local clinics often have a sliding scale and will accept very little in the way of a fee.

Second, please go to our self help section where you will find tools you can use to help yourself with these emotions.

Third, please keep posting and let us know how you are feeling and doing and there is never a need to apologize.

Fourth, if the emotions are very intense, in addition to the self help tools, you can see your family doctor. I hope you have one and I know that often is not the case.

Allan:)

[anthony82]

Hey Anna,

I too have this horrible affliction which has commonly been referred to as pure "O" OCD. I'm not sure if you are a a ritual checker or washer but people with this subset of OCD are most prominently affected by the unwanted thought patterns. This can obviously lead to panic as the anxiety builds. I had a terrible bout of panic almost exactly a year ago to this day that lasted months as I tried to quit taking citalopram cold turkey. It sent me into a state of shock where I was both in a state of constant panic as well as intense physical pain. Every waking second, which was a lot, I genuinely thought I was dying. All of this could have been avoided had my doctor been more informed on our condition. The doctor subsequently put me on clonazepam along with the citalopram and that was equally as horrifying. As the drug made it's way back into my system it intensified the anxiety to the point where I had made several trips to the hospital. They didn't do much to help either. Eventually I weaned myself off of the clonazepam (which I would compare to a withdrawal of a major narcotic) and am now solely on 10mgs of citalopram, the least in years! I know you've probably heard it a million times but exercise has helped me more than any drug possibly could. I work out even when I feel anxious and it seems to help. Anyway the only real lingering problem is that I have a hard time in social situations, though only sometimes. I feel like I have lost the ability to love or feel a connection to anybody, and I genuinely feel that people can sense that subconsciously and thus avoid me. It's a very unpredictable condition, you never know when it's going to "flare up". I find it hard to sleep most nights, but when I do sleep, it seems to help a great deal. I think if physicians took this disorder seriously, as everyone I seem to see doesn't, then we would all be better off. Also therapy is far too expensive, there should be some sort of legislation in the near future that changes that.