In reply to ASchwartz

[Chou-Tonbo]

Hello there,

This is in response to Allan's request for a little bit more about me in this thread. I don't want to disrupt the other thread, so I am starting a new one.

In short, I was sexually abused by my step-father and then acted out in anger and rage as an adult. The control started when I was a very young girl, but the majority of abuse happened after Child Services was called. It is very upsetting to me that I was not removed from the home, but that was over 20 years ago and during the serious problems with Child Services. It is in the past, and I am here now. As I began looking at the abuse that occurred, I would think that because I wasn't raped, I was being petty by not "getting over" the abuse. I can see now that those thoughts are far from the truth! Abuse is abuse, and there is no excuse for any of it. Including the abuse I dealt out to my family.

I went to therapy at various points in my life, but until recently did not address the 'out of control' feelings I continually had. My husband and I married in 1993 at 21 and 20 years old. He knew some of what he was getting in to - he earned a psych degree and his family had helped foster care for an abused girl while he was in high school. I knew in high school that I had to focus on the type of person I did want to marry rather than the type of person I did not want to marry, and that saved me from serious problems.

In 2001, shortly after our seventh anniversary, I realised that I needed to break contact with my parents. My relationship with them was full of control issues and they were continuing the patterns of abuse, just without the physical aspects. Even though my husband knew that this break would be best before he married me, he did not tell me I needed to make a break from my parents. He wanted me to become independent; telling me what I needed to do would simply replace one psuedo-dictator with another. He helped me learn to think through possibilities and make choices on my own.

And after this, things did improve a great deal. However, I still had the anger problem. Every three months or so, I would explode, yelling and screaming and pounding pillows or walls. In the Spring of 2007, I realised I had a serious problem understanding respect in general. As I learned about what respect actually means, I learned I had an anger problem. As I went through an anger management program, I discovered I had a rage addiction. I could see the pattern of exploding emotionally every few months back as far as high school, when I admitted I had been abused. I know I had anger problems even as a child, but I don't know if it was actually a rage addiction at that point. It was a serious problem even then. Any repeated outbursts of yelling, screaming, and tantrum throwing damages targets and witnesses of the anger. I did even hit my husband on several occassions. I got help before I did anything even worse, though I still see the damage in some of his actions and reactions to me.

Looking at and addressing my rage addiction has been hard work. Admitting that I have verbally abused my husband, family and friends repeatedly involved lots of tears and grief. Admitting I physically abused my husband was/is even harder. The effects of the damage are still apparent, even though my husband and sister (we all share a house) trust me more now than a couple months back. I can't undo the damage I did though. Healing is possible, but scars are there.

I took the tools I found and I used them. I left one job that was both abusive and out of control and moved into a job where I found respect, order, and (ironicly) someone a few steps behind me. Seeing someone throw tantrums (usually mini, but on occassion larger) about not getting their way has been a good reminder to me to continue to make the choice to always respect those around me. And while I thought I had become pretty independent by the time I made the decision to break contact with my parents in Spring 2001, I have recently learned some skills to help me take responsibility for my own emotional well-being. As with anything, I suspect this is something that continues improving over time with new lessons learned.

This is a somewhat short description of my experiences with abuse; I have a detailed description posted on my website. I am adding to it and clarifying (albeit slowly) the steps I took to become who I am now and what I plan to do to continue to grow. I am not sure what other information would be helpful to share. Since I've been an adult, I have had some excellent influences in my life and have learned much from them. I am hoping what I share of what I have learned can help someone else out of their abusive situation or their abusive habits.

Hope that helps,

Chou-tonbo

[concerned]

Chou-Tonbo,

I wanted to thank you for your input on my post. I truely appreciate your input to my post with your experiences. You give me hope for my brother in law.

Again,

Thank you.