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Shatter


Tekka
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So, I think I owe everyone an explanation of my background. May sound like it belongs in introductions,  but trust me, the explanations fit here best.

So, as a young kid, I had a large amount of issues. I always was philosophical and introspective in my own weird ways. I'm mildly autistic, and it was present in my eaely socialisation... to my chagrin (at least for a while).

I wasn't bothered much originally. Little kids don't really care, they just like playing around. But, coming from a poorer house, I was always noted being grubby and other small nitpicky details. This bugged me, and everyone knew it.

Come 3rd thru 4th grade, my dad had to go overseas to deal with Taliban fighters. So I was handed over to my aunt and uncle, who lived slightly south of our town.

For a year, I dealt with being blamed for every problem, emotional expression being beaten away as "fake" or "weak", being left in piss often, among other things. I began to question everything, being my introspective self. I formed some twisted conclusions (not explaining).

Then, not long after, getting back  home, I had to deal with the same things. I was literally the school's scapegoat for problems. I was often beaten to crap ( including 2 incidents, one where kids took turns to try to break my legs, and another, getting shoved into a corner and being stoned), and nobody ever did anything.

By this time I could barely think straight. I was genuinely hateful of everything. There were several times where I attempted to kill my classmates. I didn't even want to, it was just my reaction. I even poisoned a few lunches and threw one kid over a fence into some rocks, after I saw some wood splinters down in it. I'd also been 5150'd after a bomb threat I did in a kid's name (he was the ringleader), and I'd been brought to the police station. There it was revealed by the neighbor that I'd tried to kill myself, which led me to be sent to an asylum for a week...

Soon, we moved down to Florida. I also had issues with mother figures (my dad was a single father, usually being broken off by shitty women), since my first one locked me in my room for no reason (and generally hated me) and the other was lazy and had 2 sons (one who raped me).

I was an issue. I repeatedly attacked my stepmom, who I really love to pieces. I almost broke the house many a time. I occasionally fight with her today, but rarely.

All of this has made me feel manipulated by everyone. I don't see people ever caring, but instead, attempts to use me. Conversely, I only manipulate. Every expression of emotion lets me further decieve and use those around me.

Might make sense now. Along with the recent few years with the other issues, these  things don't help with my worldview.

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