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The taste of my anguish!!


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Let me start with my original question. "Is it ok to talk to the opposite sex about your problems to find a solution, or is that mentally cheating?"

She gets upset when I talk to other females in chat rooms about our problems, before I found this site, and says that I am mentally cheating on her. She actually went as far as making up a name to start talking to me just to trap me. She got an ear full of what she didn't want to hear. I complained about her laziness. I complained about how I was about to knock her across the room for making her daughter cry then smacking her butt for crying. I talked about the accusations she has against me. And just to get a feel for the person where are you from, I asked how about occupation, just to get a feel of how old the female was to see if there was any experience in relationships or at least tell me how to deal with another female. Out of all the females I have ever talked to I never added them to a buddy list or got there email address to stay in contact. I'm not looking for cyber sex I just want some helpful information. But my wife calls it a mental relationship as mentally cheating. I think mentally cheating is thinking about someone else while having sex with another. But I really don't see any harm in that. If that is what helps you get through your sexuality then more power to you. But I think the real kicker was that I said that I was waiting for the right moment to leave our marriage because I am so fed up with the BS she does.

Funny thing happened the other day just out of no where I started thinking bout a saying that I heard back in high school "If you love something then set it free, if it comes back to you it is yours forever". Then a day or two after out of the blue she says that she doesn’t believe in the whole "If you love something set it free" thing. If it is hers she's not letting go. So now I know she doesn't want me to have any freedom. Let alone go any where by myself. Unless she knows I won't be gone for very long. I catch hell if it takes too long for the clothes to dry at the laundry mat. What took you so long, what were you doing, where there any cute girls there? Look I just went there to do the laundry that you didn't do and now you want to drill me about what I did while you where at home on your butt playing on the computer. Do you see why I get so angry? Then if I tell her what happened she doesn't want to believe it. She wants to hear that I did something wrong with another female. I tell her what I did, why it took so long and she wants to sit and act like I am lying through my teeth. But if I come home and tell her that I had sex with someone she would probably believe me without a doubt because that is what she is always looking for, ME DOING SOMETHING WRONG! She will believe me if I lye to her but if I tell the truth, there is no possible way of that happening.

My anger stems from the things my wife does, or doesn't do. I get home from work and she wants me to do dishes, clean the cat litter for the cat that she wanted, feed the cat that she wanted but then she got her daughter a cat for Christmas (we got a month and a half before) and now her daughter feeds the cats. But why am I still taking care of a cat that she wanted that I opposed, because for some odd reason I knew this very thing was going to happen. She sits around the apartment for most of the day and says she is tired from driving me to work and her daughter to school and then pick us up afterwards. I used to deliver pizza and drive around for almost 8 hours a day and you want to say that you are tired from driving a total of at most 35 minutes at a time. Are you serious?! Sure sometimes she straightens up the apartment while I'm at work but it is all her and her daughters trash. Three pairs of socks at the computer desk, 2 glasses of Pepsi or tea still half full (another thing I can't stand, wastefulness), chips and candy wrappers by the bed, clothes all over the bedroom, a dish towel on the floor next to the couch from something she heated up in the microwave, the plate of whatever she heated up, a pile of clothes and coats on the rocking chair next to the door as you walk in the door, 3-4 pairs of shoes next to the door, newspapers thrown on the floor that only she reads, spills of coffee on the counter from the mourning not wiped up until I do it. Do you see where I am going with this? It drives me nuts!! When you're done with something put it back PLEASE!! And the day she does clean it up she wants to sit there and say how she is so tired from cleaning all day. On one of the days I was off of work for Christmas I got so fed up I cleaned up after her and it only took me an hour and a half. I also have to do the 6-7 loads of laundry on the weekend after I work 50 hours Mon - Sat. Sure she has a job but only works 13-15 hours a week as a shot waitress for a bar and grill on Thursday and Saturday sometimes Friday 3-5 hours a night. I can see being tired the day after but nap during the day the rest of the week and tell me you are tired. That pisses me off!!

Let's see why I am angry today, oh yes because my wife didn't let me fall asleep when I wanted too last night. I crawled into bed about 10pm and she came in jumping on the bed and tickling me about 10:30 right when I was almost asleep. You ask why does that make me so angry, I haven’t been able to fall asleep before 1am all week, once not until 3am and I have to get up by 5:45am to get ready for work and pack my lunch and her daughters. You know damn well that if I woke her up when she was sleeping I would have caught all holy hell for doing it. But you know to her it's ok if she does it to someone else, but if someone does it to her they are a$$holes. I complained I haven't been able to fall asleep till after 1am and she says it's because I fall asleep on the lazyboy for 2-3 hours. I argued back that she sleeps for a couple hours during the day but she says that’s all she gets during the day is 2-3 hours, but she still sleeps from 11pm till 6:45am which is still more sleep then I get. But she doesn't see it that way.

Then she wants to complain to me that I never talk to her. Well lets see there have been a couple of incidents that I was talking to her and she totally blew me off as if I wasn't even there like last year we were at the pool and I was sitting about 3 feet away talking to her and she looks past me at the lady 2 tables down and starts talking to her. Later that day she asked why I was in a bad mood and I told her what happened and she said she never new I was talking to her. THE NEXT PERSON WAS 2 TABLES AWAY YOU KNOW LIKE THE LADY YOU STARTED TALKING TO!!!! I was at home in the living room talking to her, she looked at me when I started talking to her, then as I continued I asked her a question? Then got her attention again and asked her and she said what was that I was blocking you out. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! And you wonder why I don't try talking to her anymore. Let alone when I do try to talk to her she hears what she wants not what I actually say. Example, her friend and her friend's boyfriend came over to watch a movie, my wife walked into the kitchen to get something, I said something to her friend and she came back around the corner complaining about what I said and she wasn't even close to what I said and I told her "Why don't you hear what I say instead of what you want to hear." I can understand that she was in the kitchen and misunderstood what I said but later when I was in my lazyboy and she was on the couch within 3 feet of me I said something else and she heard something completely different and her friend stepped in this time and said "why don't you listen to what he says instead of what you want to hear," and I know that had to make her a little upset that her friend called her out on it too. But she has no problem hearing what other people say because she can carry a conversation with them. Does she not want to hear me? I know I don't talk that soft. I was in the Army and did construction afterwards so my hearing is pretty bad from loud noises. When we argue I can pretty much shake the apartment when I get loud, which I know isn't good for her daughter to hear us yell when we argue. Lately we have been trying to not yell when her daughter is there or not, but tempers flair. (go to part 2)

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Wow, well, it sounds like a really hostile situation with a lot of double standards. If you can't afford counseling, you might consider finding someone you can trust who you can talk about this with face-to-face, (male or female, I would agree that people, especially women, can have good friends of either gender). Keep in mind that are ways of re-negotiating the terms of a relationship, but it won't happen if the other person doesn't think it's necessary, and also that loosing your temper never helps, it just gives the other person more ammunition.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Another thing that starts are arguments is she like to accuse me of having a girlfriend that she doesn't know about or accuses the new girl at work flirting with me or me flirting with her but I barely talk to her unless she has a question for me about products that we produce for advertising. I have asked her not to accuse me of cheating or I accuse her of just trying to start a fight. She responds with I was only joking but you must have a guilty conscience about something so what are you doing wrong. NO I DON'T HAVE A GUILTY CONSCIENCE, I DON'T LIKE BEING ACCUSED OF THINGS I DIDN'T DO!!! You can ask my mother when I was younger I used to get accused of things all the time after my sisters moved out and one time I got so mad I actually pushed her and she fell while we were outside in a field of people on the fourth of July waiting for fireworks and I totally feel bad for doing it. If people just leave me alone I am a nice happy person just don't interfere with my surrounding. She won't let me go anywhere for more than a few minutes by myself so if I have to go some where and pay a bill or go to the store she tries to send her daughter with me. I went to a contest for her while she had to work to win a ford fusion the night of one of our fights. She called as often as she could just to make sure I wasn't doing something wrong. When I got there luckily I sat at a table with two older couples because she had to ask that too. And when I got done there she wanted me to pick up her daughter from the babysitters and go to our friend's apartment so that way she could tell my wife what time I got home. Our friend told me that while I was over for a football game and my wife had gone home for a little bit.

I guess my biggest ordeal is that she can wake up in a good mood and after a while or so it just comes out of no where with accusing me of have a girlfriend or putting me down with retard, nerd, or geek or in an argument she likes to attack my manly hood by saying its small or I can't make her happy. But I haven't had complaints in the past but for some reason I think its is that how she gets in my head is why I have trouble performing cause she even went as far as calling my ex-girlfriend because she was mad at me and thought I was cheating, and said something about I cant last in bed, but my ex was surprised because I used to be able to reach 1-2 hours with her. But with my wife she is so demanding at times and thinks she can control me (that's what it feels like) I think I have all her badgering stuck in the back of my head I just can't do it anymore. Then if there is a time I am starting to build up stamina again she will orgasm then have a leg spasm and that blows every out of working on my problem with her. She even got a book off of our pastor that had a section for exercises to help build stamina. She got on me every day to read it and I finally did but after I did there was an exercise for the two people to work on and when I asked her to go work on it she just sat there and said she didn't want to. So if you don't want to give me the support to help satisfy you in bed then I will just keep doing what I do and she suffers. Well I have been in a happy mood for a couple of days and it's like she has been reading what I am writing and trying to actually make me happy. One day she had sex with me twice. Another day she did the dishes and cleaned the apartment before I got home. Either she is trying to be a better person or there is something going on that she either wants or something she did that she is about to tell me. My last relationship ended in a steak dinner. I took my last bite of my dinner and she said "We need to talk", and just then I knew something was up. But first let me go back a few steps. My ex girlfriend wasn't working she had applied for medical disability due to endometriosis, fibromialgia, myofacial pain syndrome, and a couple others that went with it too. I was working 75 to 80 hrs a week between two jobs to keep bills paid and food and such. She finally won disability 2 yrs after filing and received a nice settlement. She paid off a credit card that I had used to get her medication then she used what she had to get herself a little Chevy Blazer. As she received her monthly payment she started shopping more and more not realizing that we needed the money to pay bills because I wasn't working two jobs anymore. But it never registered to her like that. She had also started going to her grandmothers a lot. I mean a lot because she would be down there for three to four days a week spending the night and I would barely see her. Then I started to notice that her clothes were disappearing from the closet not to mention more of her things around the apartment were disappearing too. So to me it seemed that she was starting to move out little by little. After a while she was gone so much that I started talking to other females and found another ex that was working at a used car dealership and went over one night and had a few beers. Then guess what, yes I ended up having sex with her, or attempting to. I felt a big knot in my stomach and couldn't get it up. I know that wasn't right but the wonders of alcohol you loose your sense of responsibility. And now it comes back to the steak dinner. The very next day after I had sex with my ex, my girlfriend, at the time, had come home. She wanted to talk about how someone called her today saying that I went out and slept with her last night while she was gone and I played dumb like I didn't know what was going on. Maybe I should actually tell her what happened and why so that way maybe she can see why I did what I did. I already heard her half unless that is just what she wanted my wife to hear when she called her. Yeah, my ex called my wife and talked for a while. And my wife doesn't know how to talk softly let alone we were at my daughter's softball game and she had on her speaker phone letting everyone sitting around us hear every word. But yet if I bring up something she does wrong in front of her friends she wants to yell at me for bringing it up in front of them, but she will sit there and let all the other parents listen to the lies my ex wants to tell her about me. Or she will bring things up about me in front of other people. You want respect show respect!

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I'll tell you what Karl, you can talk a glass eye to sleep you could! You men have the cheek to call us women!LMAO! Not at what you say,but don't you go around the houses a lot phew...

Can I ask you something? What the hell are you still with her for, if this is what she is making you feel like?

Also, is this daughter of her's, only hers or is she your as well? I have only read that you mentioned her once in all the novel you wrote LOL.

Instead of going on about how lazy she is, do something about it! Stop her house keeping money or lower how much she has to maintain the house?

You want to remind her that if she is accusing you of sleeping around, then you may as well go for it and make a better job of her idea's. Action speaks louder that words, or didn't you know that?

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Guest ASchwartz

Karl and Paula,

Karl, I must say that I am thinking the way Paula is and I agree: why don't you put your foot down and stop letting her get away with this stuff or leave her.

By the way, where do you get the energy to write all that stuff. Is this what you are like when you are speaking as well?????


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  • 2 weeks later...

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