Just need vent

[Alvin1955]

I've just joined this site. Depression runs in my family and I've suffered from it for at least since my teens. I'm 53 now. Living with my daughter since Nov 08 due to my financial hardship.

My problem is that I don't trust the medical profession and refuse to take prescription meds. I know many people that do take anti-depressants and the results is mixed at best. Most have had to try several different ones before finding one that helps without unacceptable side effects. Personally I take B complex and a multivitamin everyday. Its seems to help keep my depression from getting too severe.

I'm a social recluse. I have very few friends and only leave the apartment to get cigarettes or follow up on a job opportunity. I read a lot and watch too much TV. I've started my autobio but seldom work on it because its hard to get in the mood to write. My family is supportive but I keep them at a distance. My experience has been that if you let people get too close then they will hurt you emotionally. I was married for 30 years to a great woman. No doubt my depression (and addictions) played a major role in destroying my marriage. Still we remain good friends. She has remarried and seems happy.

Of course, I'm in no position for a relationship. As lonesome as I am for some affection and companionship, I won't burden a woman with my problems.

I seldom discuss my feeling because I hate to whine. Which I feel I'm doing now.

I don't believe the hype that there is help for me. The only reason I have attempted suicide in the past decade or so is that I dont want to put my family through that. Stil, I often think about it.

Over the years, I've had some great career opportunities. All have been sabatoged by my addictions to gambling or marijuana. I never felt I deserved the success that I had.

After I lost a job as paralegal with the State Attorney Generals Office for gambling away the coffee fund, I worked 14 years at a job I hated with a carpet cleaning company(I was a man Friday to the owner). Last January (08) I left to work in my own business. The business never really got off the ground but had great potential. I still have a dream of making it successful. But I'm at rock bottom financially and emtionally. I had to sell my truck to pay bills several month ago. Now its a catch-22 sitaution where I need a vehicle to find a job but I need a money to buy a car.

My daughter has been very nice and doesnt pressure me in anyway. Still, she is in college and has my 6 year old grandson with her only income is from child support and student loans.

I have sent a lot of resumes out over the last 9 months with only one interview in that whole time.

One good thing is that I've stopped smoking marijuana and haven't gambled in years.

So there's my story. Forgive me for whining on and on. Sometimes I just need to get it out of my system.

[paula]

Hi Alvin1955

Welcome to our Community!

I understand too well where your coming from, as I too suffer from Manic Depression.

I'm a social recluse. I have very few friends and only leave the apartment to get cigarettes or follow up on a job opportunity.

Again, I used to be just like you! I wouldn't leave my house on no accounts, only to attend doctors appointments. I didn't want to socialise or anything? Now I have a full time job working with the CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) Here in the UK And am loving it! By the way, the CAB offers advice to anyone on their rights.

My experience has been that if you let people get too close then they will hurt you emotionally

.

I have to agree with you there as I am still going through that part in my life and have yet to overcome that? I think the word that we look for is TRUST!

I don't believe the hype that there is help for me. The only reason I have attempted suicide in the past decade or so is that I dont want to put my family through that. Stil, I often think about it.

I have also tried to commit suicide Twice previously, and the last time, not being so long ago. When I get my low days which, is more than my high days, I can honestly say that suicidal thoughts often interrupt my thoughts, quiet frequently, but hey, I'm still here! (sometimes I wonder how, but... never mind...)

All I can offer you is a listening ear, I'm afraid! I can't be an Hypocrite and advise you to do this and that. I've told you my views and they might not be what you wanted to hear, but the point is... You are not alone!

[Alvin1955]

I appreciate your post. It helps to know someone REALLY understands.

Congratulations on your job and overcoming at least to a point your reclusiveness. All The Best

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Alvin1955 and welcome to our community,

I am pleased that you appreciate Paula's comments to you because she knows about depression all too well, unfortunately.

Alvin, I understand your doubts about medication but medication is not the one answer. First, there is psychotherapy and Cognitive Behavioral psychotherapy (CBT) would be best for you. Medication in combination with psychotherapy would be best, but not medication alone.

Your depression comes through in your post and, I can tell you, I "feel" it or sense it when I read your post. I really think that you are so very depressed that you cannot hope. Well, even so, I can report to you that there really is hope for you to feel better. But, you must have some motivation and I think you do or you would not be writing to us.

Thank's Paula, and I, too, am willing to listen. Alvin, can you tell us more about yourself and your background?

Allan

[paula]

Cheers for that acknowledgment & thanks for the vote of confidence! Like I said, I'm always here to listen & state my views, like the rest of the community. You can always leave me a private message if you want? Just click on my profile and POW! You come back to reality, the land of the living!

Thank you Allan for your kind words, at least someone appreciates me!