An Abused Abuser

[ilovetonap]

This is my first time here, I need some help and I thought that it would be a good idea to come to a place where I might not be the only one who feels the way I do.

When I was very very young (under the age of one), I was sexually abused by my babysitter. He was a 14 year old boy. I still to this day remember the whole situation and it gives me the chills just to think about it. I told my parents (started talking at a young age) and they got rid of the male babysitter that had done this to me. Then all was forgotten, I was young, and it was easy to forget at that point. Not anymore though. At the age of 11 I was talking to my mom in a coffee shop in the small town I grew up in. She asked me if I had any "secrets" that I wanted to share with her. I broke down as the memory of that night came flooding back to me. With waves of emotion, anger and embarrassment I told her what I could remember. Shortly after I started to go to a therapist in a nearby town. I remember asking my dad if he would come with me to one of the appointments, he refused, telling me that he thought I made up the story. That left me devastated and I never returned to therapy. This has effected my life a great deal and has left me with a strong distrust of men as well as myself. I am currently in a relationship that has lasted the longest of any of the others in the past. I am on a road to destroy it if I continue to do what I do. I have anger issues, I tend to push things down, no matter what it is, and it piles on top of the one before it, one after another, after another, they pile up. At some point I burst. I mean BURST. I have a huge emotional and physical outburst that sends the house into disarray. I want to stop, I started going to the counciling center at the school I attend. I was going every week, and then I stopped. This weekend I had one of my outbursts and packed a bag and left the apartment that we share. I did not know what was going to happen. I don't want to lose him. I am starting to work on my trust issues as well as being more assertive again. I feel its necessary to start over on my therapy as I had such a regression. I know that the way that I act cannot continue and I am well aware that I must change it. It is hard.

I am back in our apartment, I have an appointment booked for tomorrow morning at 11:15am, its a short appointment, but I made it nonetheless.

Is there anyone else out there that has anger issues that has found a way to help with that overwhelming feeling that takes over? I understand that the more resources I provide for myself the better chance I have at being successful. So every little thing would be of great assistance to me.

[Karl13]

I understand what you are going through. I blow up alot on my wife. It feels like everyone is trying to purposely aggravate you and you want to lash out and chew them a "new one". I have just started counseling with my wife at our local college and have received some starter tips. Feel free to talk, my problem is try to hold things in too long and wait till something triggers me then I use all that stored up little aggravated things and lash out at once. My counselor wants me to talk about the things that bother me when they bother me so i don't lash out all at once.

I get angy easily too. I listen to heavy metal and it seems to keep up with my pace of feelings and helps to sooth me "Yes Heavy Metal Music Sooths Me." I think it helps because i feel out of syncwith everything else like im on my own clock trying to create my own world. I even get made when things are out of place at home. If there are plates or pop cans or just clutter i get so fustrated but im tired of staightening up after my wife and daughter. The best thing i found is find some inanimate object to take your frustrations out on so you don't hurt or traumatize any one else. Alot of feelings and behaviors are passed on by how people are treated at some point in time that you are the most affected.

I was picked on when i was younger and it made me feel bad. After a while i just got sick of it and started acting upon my feelings and started getting in fights with people who wanted to pick on me and revenge always seemed to be the path i took. Till finally i became the bully i need to realize what happened to me not to inflict it upon another. If you can find the root of your problem ad redirect your anger you can help stop the cycle. Im not saying i stopped all together but ithe more you try the better.