POCD i think - please help, losing my mind

[tropic2234]

i found this forum todsy and posted this in the sexuality issues section as well and i decided to post here bc im starting to panic again and im getting really antsy. ive spent way to long obsessing and ruminating over this fear and it’s taken my life.

 

i really don’t know how to start this. i’ll just preface by saying prior to this past year of hell on earth i’ve never had any attraction or arousal to kids younger than my age WHATSOEVER and i still AM NOT ATTRACTED TO KIDS. i find NOTHING attractive about them they are underdeveloped and immature and they honestly annoy me alot. before all of this started i even wouldn’t touch any sort of kiddie cup or child’s toy bc i think kids are that gross. however, the prescence of false arousal/groinal responses have become so intense that they have led me to this posting this today. i’ll ty make this as short, but detailed as possible.

basically this all started one day when i was sitting on my bed watching a news report of a pedofile on youtube. then out of nowhere i had a random thought, “what if im a pedofile”? NOTHING happened that justified this thought. i wasn’t and have never been aroused or attracted to any kids in my life, i didn’t get an erection from any of the children in the news report, i wasn’t turned on by the offender’s sexual endeavors. nothing. but for some reason i had a panic attack. a really bad panic attack. the one’s i’d gotten in the past were pretty average and could usually be alleviated with meditation but this was intense. my heart was pounding, i had a terrible head ache, i was sweating, i had shortness of breath i mean i could barely breathe, and worst of all, i couldn’t stop ruminating on the question.

i had no history of ocd prior to this. i had relatively normal compulsions like checking multiple times to see if my contacts were out after already taking them out, checking multiple times to see if i locked the door, not eating or drinking anything if something remotely disgusting (someone spitting out a piece of food or someone eating while talking) happened near me, etc. but anxiety and overthinking things profusely and to the point where things just got worse in my mind was no stranger to me.

that panic attack lasted for about 4 hours followed by another one later on lasting around the same amount of time. that day i also started concocting scenarios in my head of comitting sexual acts with children or my little cousins to check if there was any groinal movement and the whole time i was disgusted. even when nothing or barely anything happened i insisted that something did and i believe this to be the origin of future GRs. that day i also, very very regrettabley, forced myself to jerk of to one of these scenarios. i wasn’t hard or anything, i just forced it upon myself and ended up orgasming but with no satisfaction in it at all. this haunted me into the following day when, in tears, i confessed to my mom that i was having these thoughts. she told me to just stop thinking about it snd ignore the thoughts. of course i didn’t, i needed reassurance. 

fast forwarding some months the thoughts had come and gone in on and off episodes. sometimes these episodes lasted a week and sometimes just days. the days when the thoughts didn’t plague me i was on top of the world but the days where they were present i was extremely irritable, sad, and antisocial. and as im writing this i realize that these episodes have became much more frequent, now seeming to be only hours apart from each other; a few days if im lucky. also at this point i had lost a lot of cognitive abilities. thoughts became harder to formulate, my memory, more short terms than longer term, turned to shit, nostalgia became a dead emotion, and it became harder for me to process language and connect words/ideas together and determine their significance. the worst part of all, my arousal for women was fleeting almost obliterated. i still looked at pretty ladies and thought “damn that’s a nice ass” or “she has a really pretty face” or “god i love those tits” (sorry for the language), but i couldn’t really get an erection anymore... if i did it was very moderate and more akin to a semi. then stuff got really bad. every year me and my family (whole family relatives and all) rent a beach house and stay there for a week or so. one day after going to the beach, i walked into the bathroom and found a pair of panties that someone had forgotten to pick up. i didn’t know whose they were, but my mind insisted that they were my 12 year old cousin’s and all of the sudden i got a very strong groinal response and started panicking. i ruminated on the thought for the rest of the evening and that night while trying to jerk off to this pretty girl from school, a sexual thought of my cousin came into mind and my focus shifted oto that. when the thought came up i didn’t think “damn she’s hot”, i simply allowed the concucted scenario to happen so i could check for any groinal responses all the while i was thinking “no no this is so fucked up im not attracted to children stop im not a pedofile” and it took me many times to get a proper groinal response. that was the second time i orgasmed to a child. the rest of the week i felt terrible i regretted and hated committing that act immediately. i broke down one night and cried in my room while listening to How To Disappear Completely by radiohead on repeat for 3 hours. in contrast, the summer prior i sat in the beach house living room reading Gone Girl. My younger cousins would pass by but there were no groinal responses, no anxiety attacks, no unjustified worrying that i may be a pedofile, nothing. just peace and a good book.

fast forward again and something worse happened. months later i was gardening with my family and i looked from doing my work and had a strong groinal response from my brother after thinking “what if im attracted to my brother?” DESPITE having never found anything about my brother attractive and actually being annoyed by his character constantly. I instantly freaked out and after working took a shower and went to my room. the response had gone away but i needed to check. i needed reassurance that i wasn’t. so i started making scenarios and kept thinking “no no no this is fucked no im not attracted to my brother etc”. there was some movement but we’re talking 1-3 centimeters and after that followed a “cooldown” where my penis returned to normal.after around half an hour i got an actual groinal response and that was the third time i orgasmed to a child. that one was the worst. they were all really really really bad, but this one was my brother. i didn’t understand it. i was attracted to him in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER yet this happened and i felt terrible. my life went really downhill from there. i became even more antisocial and depressed and lost a bunch of friends. i was getting really frustrated at this point and just wanted to die.

flash forward and i was out with (one of my few) friends and some of her friends when i met a really really pretty girl. TOTALLY out of my league, as such i didn’t and was afraid to talk to her. but then later on after people started going back home we really hit it off and were having a lot of fun. we actually completely ignored out mutual friend (which i kind of feel bad about now bc it was her birthday :/) and we had a lot of things in common. there were five special things about this girl: 1) she and i had a lot of the same interests 2) my friends have described me as a white 6 and an indian 7; this girl is a universal 10 and it seemed like she was really coming on to me 3) she was really funny 4) she was one of thefew new people i could talk to despite being in my antisocial, depressed, and anxious state and 5) I WAS AROUSED BY HER; THROBBING HARD AROUND AND (this is really lewd but) i came in my pants while walking her back to the bus stop. this girl completely relieved and still relieves all the anxiety and depression and hurt and everything whenever im around her or even think about her. she’s the coolest, funniest, sweetest, smartest, and prettiest girl i’ve ever met and i can make a whole post on her but omg i dont have the time. a week after meeting we got into a relationship, the first real one of both of our adolescences. it felt soo good dating such an amazing and being aroused by her. everything was perfect.

during our first time having sex however we ran into some problems. the ruminating and checking and anxiety and avoiding even looking at any children got out of hand and i could no longer get those full hard on erections that i did at the start of our relationship. i could still obtain them by kissing or touching her, but by sight alone i could, at best, host a pretty moderate erection. the disease had taken from me arousal from even the girl i loved most in this world snd i hated it for that. so during our first time we started making out to get things going and uh (embarrassingly) i finished a bit too early. i apologized and made out for 5 more minutes to get me hard again but i couldn’t get a full hard on, not enough for sex to work. the whole time instead of thinking “fuck this is so great” i was just thinking, “what if i can’t get hard”? i was decently hard and she didn’t notice so i tried putting it in bc i was getting nervous but it wouldn’t go in until after maybe 5-6 times. i felt terrible. as i started thrusting i felt better but it kept slipping out bc i was not hard enough. the third time i was doing fine and really REALLY enjoying it but then i had the terrible, fucking horrible thought “what if i can only get hard to my brother? what if it’s like with gay dudes and their girlfriends? what if im just faking all of this? what if im a pedofile?” and then simultaneously started thinking of my brother and then boom, strong groinal reaction accompanied by panic. i felt terrible, but the sensations helped me ignore it and i started thinking about my grilfriend again and was able to maintain my erection. after we both finished, i was still thinking about that thought and i wan’t to run away and hide and scream at myself. however, then my girl friend rolled onto my side and that calmed me down.

present day. these past few weeks have been terrible. my arousal situation with mu girlfriend is relatively the same and we had sex again and i was able to get a better erection. but today i came to a breaking point. i was on the metro when all of the sudden i had the thought again. “what if im into my brother?” this thought had pushed become the common theme of my ruminations since the sex incident, so much so that in fact my groinal response to kids became very very mild. as expected, major groinal response and i started picturing the routine scenario with the “no no no this is fucked up” thoughts. i didn’t get it. two days prior i had been doing some yard work again and after reading some pocd forum posts i started just letting the responses come and go and as a result they became more mild and less frequent until i focused on them again. but this time it was worse, i felt that anxiety that i felt on the first day and it was paralyzing. i wanted to start screaming on that train and i was about to, but also even worse, this time i felt like i needed to jerk off. it felt like the only thing that would get rid of this it was THAT BAD it had never been THIS BAD this was a full ERECTION where most prior episodes only prompted maybe a semi at best. I became very shaky and was close to a breakdown i felt like everyone on the train was looking at me. i was able to power through tho and continue on my journey downtown. then later in the day i was reading, and the same thought came into my mind. the anxiety returned and the erection was just as strong. that was the last time i jerked off to a child. now im in my room writing this post. after jerking off i became the most anxious and disgusted ive been in this past year. all of the little progress ive made hs disappeared. the worst part about it was that it’s the best orgasm ive had in the past year, better than my girl friend maybe even. and now i still feel this burning sensation down there it’s been there for around half an hour already im so fucking tired of this i dont know what to do everyday i wake up and i repeat phrases like “youre straight” “this is just anxiety” “that’s fucked up” “ you’re not a pedofile” “you’re not into your brother” about 1000 times a day out of nowhere to gain some sort of reassurance. checking has become less routine but i still do it about 12-15 times aday and just about every time it moves around 3-5 centimeters and the whole time im thinking “nononono god fcking no this is fucked up im not attracted to kids” and it’s TREU IM NOT. I FIND NOTHING ATTRACTIVE OR AROUSING ABOUT KIDS AT ALL. BUT THESE THOUGHTS AND THE STRESS THEY FOR SOME REASON PROVIDE THESE STRONG GROINAL RESPONSES AND IDK WHAT TO DO. I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND so so so so much and this is starting to affect our relationship. i would NEVER WANT TO FUCK, FINGER, SUCK, LICK, KISS, DO ANY OF THAT TO A CHILD BUT MY MIND IS JUST DRILLING INTO MY HEAD THIS FALSE NARRATIVE AND PROVIDING THESE HROINAL RESPONSES. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. i love SO MUCH ABOUT GIRLS. they’re pristine, perfect, composed, soft, compassionate, cute, and ive LWAYS BEEN ATTRACTED TO THEM. i just want my labido and everything else to go back to normal this is getting exhausting. idk what to do.