lost soul

[raven_Crest@Hotmail.com]

I am not sure how to go about this, as I rarely, if never, ask for help(as I was taught this is a sign of weakness) but here goes.

I am a 23 year old male, to start with. Most of my life I have felt a little different. On the outside if you will. Most who have spent time with me would agree that I am "off" in many ways. This was absolutely amplified when I left high school and my (small town) home. Most people "deal" with me or should I say tolerate me. I have very few friends and of those I suppose that I have no "best" or "true" friends. It has come to my attention recently that I am not the average. I have always felt excluded from everything and never "felt at home" anywhere, even among family. It just seems that I am existing and not living. I am uninterested in pretty much anything, including people, the world, sex, relationships, and anything else.

Honestly it gets harder and harder everyday, to? Justify? Getting out of bed(of course that means when I sleep) in the morning. Most days the only reason that i can come up with is that I cannot bring the shame, sorrow, and most of all the confusion, ending it all would bring my family. I guess that is something remorse or concern for my family. That could be a feeling.

But as I said it seems that the world could be so much better, I mean this is it? This is what millions of years of evolution, thousands of years of thought, intellect, emotion, and technology have brought us? If there is such a thing as god, a higher power, or a meaning to any of this then I for one submit to the fact and cast my vote for the destruction of this planet and all its inhabitants. It seems to me that if we were to aspire to a greater purpose or whatever we were ment for I feel we have failed miserably, for ever and ever.

It gets harder year after year, day after day, to get up and face this failure of existence...

...And to think only a collection of minerals and metals could end it all...

I apologize, please disregard this as the ramblings of a "different" and "messed up" person that is all i can offer. As vague as this may be, sleep well, to those who can...

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Raven,

Welcome to our community. I am sure you will find lots of support here.

Raven, your post seems to describe a very toubled young man. Other than the word "troubled" I cannot say much more because there is no way to make a diagnosis over the Internet. However, I can clearly and directly tell you that I believe entering psychotherapy would be a very good idea for you. There is something that keeps you socially isolated and feeling depressed but what that is I do not know.

You seem to take a few things for granted, such as:

1. It is weak to ask for help. Of course this is not true and that is a belief that you should give up as quickly give up. We humans are social creatures and we depend on one another for help and assistance, including asking for help.

2. You seem to believe that you have something to be ashamed of and I do not know why or what it is. Perhaps it is because you feel "different?"

3. You seem to think you have an accurate view of the world as such a terrible place. Rather, I think your view is influenced by how depressed you feel.

Can you tell us more about who you are?

What do the rest of you think?

Allan

[Jerry]

I spent a large portion of last year in the hospital for major depression and anxiety. I couldn't go to work for almost a year. I eventually had ECT ten times. I have had the same exact feelings as you describe in your post. I could have written your post. It's uncanny. That being said, I go to see my psychiatrist and therapist weekly and I do what they tell me to do (most of the time). I take my medications (now that they are finally balanced). I have a wife and two children. One of my children was born in the past year. I didn't even know him until recently. My wife and I are miraculously still married. I guess my point is, when I felt like you I sought professional help. I did what the professionals told me to do and took the drugs they told me to take and I'm doing well now, but it hasn't been that long since I was doing badly. Sometimes, it's a tightrope walk. I just had to trust that they knew what they were doing, because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I'm not sure if that's helpful, but that's all I've got.

[Mark]

Raven,

It's clear that you are suffering but we don't know why that is so. You've told us that this is very long standing, and that part of it involves not being very interested in anything that normally would be of interest to people. You also suggest that you are suicidal. Sometimes loss of interest and suicidal feelings are associated with depression, as Jerry has described. Sometimes there are other reasons for it, especially when that sort of thing has been a characteristic of your personality for your entire life.

I also note that as you're talking here, you go from talking about yourself and your experience to your judgments about how the world is messed up. I've talked with people before who do this sort of thing habitually - when they are feeling uncomfortable, they start talking about how bad the world is rather than talking about the pain they are feeling. Sometimes this is a way to cope with how bad you feel.

I agree with Allan that it might be very useful for you to see a therapist for a while. Therapists see lots of people with lots of different sorts of problems. If you manage to find a halfway decent one and one who is experienced, you may be helped to better understand what your issue or issues is/are called and how it is typically treated. It could be very useful to know if you have a condition that can be helped, and to receive that help, I think.

Mark