Hi

[Grief101]

Hello all. Just for a background, I hate my life. In 2013 I start seeing counseling because of my problems after a series of events unfold that turn my life into hell. I get committed for nearly 3 weeks after what my mom tells them. It was so bad there that I tried killing myself even when I'm afraid of death and blood, after numerous desperate attempts at ways of escaping. This experience teaches me to never be honest with counselors so I go online for help. At first it wasn't so bad. The internet community was outstandingly sweet and gracious towards me, and in a way, I kinda fell for it. In 2014 I start talking to my mother about my problems and she tells other people about it, so I no longer talk to her when there's a problem. From 2016 - present I start noticing that the online community starts becoming increasingly asshole-tier, so I eventually retire that option only to further protect my sanity. After getting banned from countless places for various reasons, including Reddit, I just give up on finding help and instead keep things to myself and not tell anybody, be it online or IRL. As for 2019, this year was exceedingly awful for me. From March - December I must've called the NSPLL no less than 15 times a week because I was having a shit day everyday, and I give them my location and they sent the police to my house that first time, then the second time they got me on the phone with a crisis counselor who told my counselor about it who committed me the next time I saw her, so I stopped calling them also. Not only do they report, but half the time they never answer, hang up on you, are rude, or barely speak English. I remember that one time during one my terrible moods that I called them up and the lady asked me if I was taking my medicine and I said no, so she kept telling me to take it and wouldn't shut up about it so I peacefully ended that call, then called back to see if a different operator would answer but it was the same one, so I ended it again, looked online for my counselors office number but found that they were closed, so I just collapsed and started crying hysterically so loud that my mother could hear me from the other room and started acting nice to me for the first or second time that year because I was in so much misery. I did call them a few more times after they committed me, but that was only because I have no one else to call, no friends/acquaintances/girlfriends, no family that cares about me, etc. How do I find help? I have so many things wrong in my head but I can't get help for it.