Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Breakdown of Marriage after loss of child. Seeking urgent advice


markant
 Share

Recommended Posts

Sorry for the long post. I have just never really expressed myself before and a lot has happened in the past few months leading to a extremely serious breakdown in my marriage after only 3 months. I really appreciate your input.

I recently moved to another country through my employer a few months after my then fiancé who is studying abroad. Finances have been tight the entire time due to the cost of my finances university fees and the cost of living in the new country being much higher than our home country when I was financially supporting her for 6 months being paid in our home country and her living and studying abroad. My wife was pregnant and 3 weeks after arriving to live with my fiancé we received devastating news about our baby and had to make the decision to have a termination for health reasons. During this time my mother in law and sisters in law failed to be there for my fiancé and support her how she needed. Since this we have had little contact with my mother in law and none with sisters in law. However, we got married 2 weeks after losing our baby in a small ceremony which had been pre-planned and my mother in law flew over to witness it. This was an extremely uncomfortable situation as my wife didn’t even want to speak with her mother let alone see her after how she behaved during the loss of our baby. And so I acted as a barrier never allowing them to be together alone and always trying to drive conversation away from topics my wife didn’t want to discuss.
Since this time we have figured out that my mother in law is a narcissist and this has helped my now wife understand so much of the turmoil she has experienced growing up dealing with her mother and how it impacts her self perception and actions today especially around never feeling worthy or good enough.
Now my wife has had to basically cut off her mother except to keep things amicable so she can continue to speak with her young siblings.
This has been very hard for her and is something that we discuss and I support her through a lot as she unpacks it and processes it and understands how it has impacted her over the years. This is all on top of obviously grieving the loss of our baby and what was our first child and my wife has really been struggling with feeling of guilt for choosing to terminate.
During the weeks proceeding the loss of our child I have obviously had to support my wife and she has found it extremely difficult to accept and has become suicidal at times and still is to an extent. I have tried to be strong and to support her through this and the situation with her family. I have also found it hard at times and haven’t really spoken to anyone about it. None of my friends knew she was pregnant and I’ve not spoken about how I’ve been feeling with my family other than to say we are coping day by day.
I have also not had a single day off since the loss of our child except for the day we got married and work has been quite stressful at times doing concurrent late nights to meet deadlines along with trying to find the time to exercise and set up some additional income streams as financially things are very tight.
No one at work knows what has happened and as I am in a new country I have also been trying to be social and make new friends and network at work.
I have for the first time in my life felt suicidal and spent a couple of weeks constantly vividly fantasizing putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. These feelings have subsided now thankfully but I didn’t communicate them to my wife as I didn’t want to put more stress on her and make her feel that she is the cause of the stress because I am supporting her. 2 months after losing our baby we started trying to get pregnant again, despite my wife really not wanting to be intimate or feel good in any way. We have tried over 2 or 3 months around her ovulation time. In October we were trying daily and after 2 days in a row I was struggling to be as hard as normal. On the 4th day trying I couldn’t perform and this made my wife feel really bad for reasons I understand. I told her it’s likely because I had just been playing sports and was quite tired as I couldn’t even lie there and arouse myself. I have since then noticed that I have really not been getting aroused at all ever. Like nothing is getting me in the mood. I kept this to myself as I didn’t want to add to her fears and upset. But when we came to try again this month we were starting and I was Ok but she wanted to use her vibrator first without me being involved due to the intimacy fears she had since the loss of our baby.
During this time waiting for her I lost my erection and couldn’t get it back and feel this is partly because I was always thinking about trying not to lose it. This made her feel terrible and she is now convinced that I am not attracted to her anymore. This caused an long argument and me then telling her how I had been feeling suicidal and that it was likely everything we have been dealing with that has caused me to loose libido. She didn’t believe me and is convinced I’m not attracted to her. And says she has felt I haven’t been attracted to her for a while as I hadn’t been kissing her like I used to. I told her this is because she had asked me not to be intimate with her and so I had sort of pulled back from kissing her passionately etc. She is now saying she wants a divorce and has even contacted divorce lawyers and is not speaking to me and I am sleeping on the sofa and having to spend my days out of the house so she can be apart from me. She doesn’t want to talk at all and I have tried but she just says she doesn’t believe a word I’m saying and that even though I may have been impacted by everything that has happened she also feels I’m not attracted to her. And she is an idiot if she stays around waiting for me to realise one day I don’t want to be with her and then she is too old to have a baby with anyone else whilst I am still able to. (We are both in our early to mid thirties). I know and understand how it must appear to her and how much pain it causes as she wants to be pregnant again so badly.
I just don’t know what the hell to do. I don’t want to break up and whilst we have lost some of our intimacy due to everything and also some longer self confidence issues she has around her body and so being shy sexually I want to work through this and spend the rest of my life with her and have a family with her.
I’m trying to figure out what is causing my libido issues and I’m working out most days and eating well but I’ve not noticed an improvement and the stress of this all is not helping. What can I say or do to try and get her to understand.
We are meant to be flying home in 2 weeks for the holidays and stay with my family and so I suspect she is going to refuse to come back now. I don’t know how I could explain all this to my family or if I should go back at all now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...