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Don't even know where to start here...


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Well, my husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. We were only dating for 4 months before we hopped a plane to Vegas and got hitched. Things started going downhill about 6 months into the marriage. He constantly complained about sex (because it was ONLY 4-5 times per week and he wanted it everyday). That continued for several months and we failed to find a common ground on the subject. About a year and a half into the marriage, I caught him setting up profiles on online dating sites aimed towards matching individuals looking for no-strings-attached sex, as well as perusing what I find "disturbing" pornography website. I was very angry and confronted him about it and he promised it would never happen again if I just let him stay in the home. So I did but password protected the computer so that he wasn't able to do those things. Looking back, that didn't help anything--especially rebuilding trust. A few months later, he asked me the password because he "needed to do some things for work" so I gave it to because we depend on his income. My birthday rolled around and he didn't get me anything...not a cake, or gift, or even a card. He was off work that day so I knew there was no reason for it. So the next day when he was gone to work, I got on the computer and checked out the history and again...he was up to the same thing. That time, I was furious. I went to our bedroom and started throwing his things in garbage bags. When he got home, he agreed that he would leave the home so he carried a few bags to the car and sit in it for hours...likely trying to figure out what he was going to say to his parents when he showed up at their house. He slept in our driveway that night and when he got off work the next night, he came to the house. He said he didn't want to move in with his parents and that he would stay in our guest room while we tried to work things out. So I let him. He stayed in the guest room for about 6 months before I felt comfortable enough to let him back in mine. During this time, he attended ONE counseling session and then quit. Between then and now, I've caught him several more times signing up for personal ads and what not, most recently a couple of weeks ago. At this point, I don't even get angry anymore because it's something I've come to expect from him. Also, about a year ago, he transferred jobs within the same company and moved to a new office. Our first cell phone bill after the move was ridiculously high so I investigated further and found that he was calling/receiving calls from a woman at his old office. Again, I confronted him and he denied that there was anything going on. I got the whole, "We're just friends" spill so I let it go for the time being. A few days later, a text came through on his phone while he was sleeping so I looked at it. It was from her and was very obsene and unclassy. :eek: I knew a little about her history, so I sent a text back that said, "Wow, that's very unclassy. If you're sending messages like that to married me, I can see why your husband left you for another woman while you were knocked up." Probably not the most tasteful thing I could have done but I was mad as hell. She texted back, "Which message are you referring to?" That's when I blew a cork, and stomped into the bedroom where he was sleeping with a box of trash bags in hand. Longer story short, he denied, denied, denied...Said he didn't know why she would send something like that to his phone, she must have had the wrong person, everything he could think of to cover his butt. He even sent her another text telling her he was devoted to his wife and that she needed to leave him alone. Don't know why but I let him move back into our spare bedroom again. In addition to his sexual indescretions, he's become very insensitive to my feelings. He was a total jerk when I had a death in my immediate family and he had to miss a day of work because I couldn't stop crying long enough to care for our daughter. In being totally honest, I haven't been happy in this marriage since the first time I caught him. Over time, not only have I lost all of my trust in him but I've lost all of my love for him too. While I care for him because we have a daughter together, I can look at him and feel nothing romantic what-so-ever. I've made no secret of it though--he knows that I'm no longer in love with him and I would like to take our daughter and move out but he keeps saying that with counseling, we can work things out and I'll be able to love him again. Not trying to be pessimistic here but I just don't think that's going to happen...it's too late for me. This has been a long time coming, if he had any intention of making things work, he would have quit doing those things the first time, 2 years ago! He says that he didn't realize this was damaging our relationship and my love for him...what did he think it was doing? Helping? UGH! He says he still loves me as much as he did when we married and we just have to find a way to get back to where we were. So Saturday night, he told me he would delete all of his profiles and that he wanted to start over fresh. Naturally, I checked to see if he was sincere. He got online in the middle of the night, chatted on Adult Friend Finder IM for 2 hours, and then deleted his profile. From there he went to several other websites and set up NEW profiles. WTF? I guess that's what he meant by starting over fresh. So I'm at a loss now. I feel like there's nothing left to work on. He's made his priorities very clear and I don't have the energy and dedication to stick around and try to make things work. I've been so worried about his doings for the last 2 years that I've worn myself completely out. I can't even worry about what he's doing anymore--it takes to much effort to care and I only end up disappointed. We rarely have sex anymore...maybe 4-6times last year, and I have to have a few drinks (of the alcoholic kind) to relax enough to even try...probably not a good thing. I've been tolerating his behavior for so long because I'm in school (still have a year left). Because of our financial situation, it would be very hard for me to make ends meet on my own. I have our daughter to think of so I'm contemplating moving in with my parents at the start of summer and switching into another nursing program to finish out my last year. It's not my "ideal living situation" but is probably the best. Our state requires marriage counseling before you can get divorced so I know we're going to go through it but I have no intention of putting tons of effort into it because I really don't feel like it would change anything. Does this sound salvagable? Do people really fall back into love with each other?

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Hi Justnotthatintoit

I wouldn't give him the time of day! A leopard will never change its spots! Stick to your guns and get rid of bad rubbish! You have given him ample of warnings! What does he take you for, a complete fool!

What is going to happen when your daughter gets a bit older? It would be better doing it now and leaving him, than doing it later!

Good luck!

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  • 1 month later...

Is the marriage salvageable, I wouldn't think so but strange things do happen sometimes and it's all up to what you want to do.

You however are salvageable. What you need to do is make sure that the 3 1/2 yrs you have spent with this man do not scar you too deeply. No reason to hate men just because of this one.

I cannot imagine going to nursing school while living in a house and life with that much stress and unhappiness in it. While I can't imagine having to move back in with Mom and Dad at least there you will have assistance in caring for your child, cooking meals and more time to study. 50% of all people who start nursing school drop out, how you ever made it this far in your situation is beyond me.

Whatever you decide to do, take care of yourself. You have a long and bright future ahead of you and a child who needs you.

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Hi justnothatintoit, I'm all about forgiving and moving on but it just seems like you have given him sooo many chances and it really doesn't seem like he's gonna change. Not that I'm sticking up for him, but this may be something he just can't control, an addiction. He might love you and want your marriage to work but that's just not enough. Obviously that's up to you but I'm sure it hurts you everyday just knowing what he does, so for your self and your daughter you may want to consider moving on.

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