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I am feeling hunted....


nancyannee
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When I was about 10 or 11, I was attacked in the woods by several teenagers. The only memories I have of this time is running home scared I was going to die that day. Another boy (a brother to one of the attackers) came upon us stopped whatever was happening and told me to RUN home.

I remember looking out the window for hours frantic that they were coming to get me. They may have only teased me, I don't know because whatever happened, I have completely blocked out the memory and only remember feeling hunted and terrified. I have tried therapy in the past to remember what exactly happened. When I get close to remembering I go into instant panic attacks and in some cases black out entirely. I may never remember what really happened...

However, the feelings of being hunted and terrified never leave me. It is this time of year it happened, and it is this time I year I suffer the most. Normally, in the past I would self medicate.(i.e. get high and numb myself) I am struggling to stay clean and sober but it is getting harder to live with.

I just wish these feelings would stop. it is terrible and incapacitates me completely.

I find some comfort in these forums because I am able to just express myself and get it off my chest...it does help some.

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the panicky feelings only grow stronger. all I see is the stupid window as I look out just waiting on them to come and finish me off. nobody is at home except maybe an older brother to busy with his life to notice me. Even if anyone noticed me, I would not tell them. My young mind thinks if my family knows I am unhappy, they will send me away. after all, they chose me. they can choose to send me back.

I always hide my feelings from them. never letting them see me unhappy. from as early as I can remember, I monitor my actions so as not to upset them or show them I am scared, lonely, angry....anything.

by the time I am 13 or 14, I realize I am not going anywhere....that is when I start acting out. letting all the anger go. of course, that got me nowhere....

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It is not too uncommon for a memory to haunt a person. This can effect their every day life, and how they deal with situations. This can cause irrational fears, And emotion or mental break downs. I know that many people here are haunted by memories of something horrible happening to them, myself included. So you have come to the right place.

My only advice as to move passed this, is to walk through it. Relax your mind and your body and move through every scene that you can remember and see if you can find new and relevant information. This will be difficult, and you will be unwilling to go through with it, but in the end if you succeed you will be better for it. You must face your demons, because if you keep running away, they will keep hunting you. If you face them, the hunt will be over.

- Anonymous

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thanks for the input Pseudonym....I have tried many times on my own and through several kinds of therapy to bring back these memories...to no avail. I have even tried contacting the boy who came upon us and stopped whatever was going on...(now a man of course) to question him..he would not take my calls and then he changed his number...

All I do remember is that morning, I was playing in my Mothers room. putting on her stockings and grown up panties. I took off the stockings, but left on the panties. I then went outside to play in the woods.... three or four older boys came upon me and started making fun of the panties. so I can only reason they took off my pants or shorts because I never wore skirts or dresses. I remember running home terrified, and days later finding the courage to go back in the woods to retrieve the panties. they were still in the woods....

what happened I don't know. and not for the lack of trying. regression therapy. CBT, the works. My first memories of this incident only came to me in my 20's along with my first diagnosis of bipolar....

I can go months sometimes years without this bothering me...lately the last few years it is all I can think about....

I first started therapy in my 20's because I have NO memory of my childhood. My earliest memories started when I was 13 years old.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Nancyannee,

I am pleased that you find it helpful to post here. Please keep on posting.

I have a couple of questions if that is OK.

1. When you say you started to act out when you were 13 yo, what do you mean? Can you explain?

2. I may have missed an earlier post but what do you mean when you say that you were "chosen" by your family and they can send you back? Were you adopted?

Please remember that any woman who has been attacked, whether sexually or not, blames themselves for that attack even though it is not their fault.

Allan

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Yes Allan, I was adopted...I started showing my true feelings for the first time...anger and sadness mostly. for years I put on my mask as I call it to hide my true feelings, because I thought if they thought I was unhappy they would send me away. No, they NEVER gave any indication that they would. Also, I began to act out sexually. Now I know looking back it was a cry for their help. for years I just thought I was bad.

we had everything we needed financially minus the emotional support. I learned early on that children blame themselves for things beyond their control, but unfortunately "knowing" does not translate to "accepting".

I wanted my big brothers to "ride to the rescue". I put myself in many dangerous situations to see if they would be there. They never were...I know logically, they could not give me what I needed because I never asked. but in my heart I believe if they thought of me as their true sister, they would have been there for me... to this day I long for their support and acceptance. it will never come and I wish I could turn off the feelings of wanting them to care for me.

Edited by nancyannee
correction
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  • 2 weeks later...

this day is much the same. riddled with fear. unable to express my actual thoughts. they are too many. I blindly go through the motions, being strangled by my emotions. I just push the feelings to the back, trying to stay on track. how long can the human mind bear the constant strain, when its under constant drain.

nancy:o

it is tiring not being able to convey what I am thinking. it comes out messed up somehow. especially when I am talking. words and sentences find themselves mixed up and/or interchanged. *sigh*.

everything I write and then read back sounds contrived...it sounds wrong, but it is what flowed out of my mind, the part I could capture and put words to...

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