having a breakdown....(triggers)

[nancyannee]

I told my husband and older daughter (she's 21) that I am NOT coping with my Mama's death. I also told them that my paranoid feelings are much worse. The voices are yelling. I see faces in everything. menacing faces. my thoughts are telling my to quit thinking about suicide and "do something" usually, I just have the thoughts of suicide. now my mind is actually thinking of ways to do it. specific plans...who would find me. how can I accomplish it with the least amount of mess. maybe, I could go somewhere that a stranger would find me, so my family would not have to suffer that...pills, gun, a razor to the wrist. anything to stop the voices. the ugly thoughts. the feelings of being under a microscope. all my thoughts from being monitored. how can they understand what my thoughts mean? they can't, they just interpret them the way they want to...

I KNOW NOT to do it. I DON"T want to do it. It feels like the calm before the storm.

I told them I wanted to go straight to the hospital and tell somebody. get back on meds. get back in therapy............they would rather I "wait" I am not that bad. "we have too much going on" "wait until we get moved" a host of reasons not to go....

they can't understand what it is like. living this way. they see me go day to day. I know if they really really understood what was going on in my head they would agree with my going to the ER ASAP.

it feels like a constant adrenaline rush. my heart won't stop pounding, my head is swimming, I can't think straight.

I dont' want to die. but this is NOT living.

[journeyupward]

Oh Nancy, my heart goes out to you.

Is it possible to go to the ER yourself--drive yourself? Or take a taxi? You need help now and obviously your family and friends don't have a clue about how serious your condition is at the moment. You have to find a way to get help now.

I know what you are feeling is not only mentally and emotionally painful but it is physically painful in a sense too. Please, please remember that this awful phase is temporary.

I've been where you are right now but without the screaming voices. But my mind was screaming so I can relate to a small degree what you feel.

Please keep in touch as much as you can. Writing about what you feel and knowing someone cares on the other side has kept me tethered to the here and now a number of times. So many people here care about you, including me. Please let us know how you are.

JourneyUpward

[nancyannee]

for so long. I have managed to maintain relative composure for my whole life. My heart seems to be about to burst with loss of restraint. My 21 year old daughter is just like me. We are going to clash. It won't be pretty.

[paula]

Hold on nancy, your doing fine!

[nancyannee]

each time I look for encouraging words, there they are. Paula, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you find the time to respond and reach out. It means everything now.

I know before I lose it completely I will seek out emergency care, I just have so much to do before I can let go. we are going to move to a smaller, cheaper place to live and I need to clean out all of Mama's things and pack everything else. Once my mental checklist is complete and I know my family is going to be settled I will finally seek the treatment I so desperately need. experience has shown I need more than willpower to survive. I might as well resign myself to medications to even out my moods and therapy to help heal my thinking.

nancy

[paula]

Hi nancy

nancyannee each time I look for encouraging words, there they are. Paula, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you find the time to respond and reach out. It means everything now.

I know before I lose it completely I will seek out emergency care, I just have so much to do before I can let go. we are going to move to a smaller, cheaper place to live and I need to clean out all of Mama's things and pack everything else. Once my mental checklist is complete and I know my family is going to be settled I will finally seek the treatment I so desperately need. experience has shown I need more than willpower to survive. I might as well resign myself to medications to even out my moods and therapy to help heal my thinking.

You will not lose it if you get help now! Listen to me nancy, do not wait till your mental state takes over! It is better to seek help asap. Trust me nancy, I know what I'm talking about!

I gather the financial part is playing a big role in your life right now, as well as the stigma you are getting at the moment. Forget about the financial side the best you can, along with the stigma. Make an appointment to see your doctor asap and explain how your feeling!

Ask for help and when you are offered it, accept it, please! The way you are carrying on, you are going to be in no fit state for anyone, let alone moving house? You are wearing yourself to the ground!

nancy, please promise me you will seek help! If it's only for yourself, please!

[nancyannee]

to seek help as soon as I can. I have not been to a regular doctor in years and years. Last year I spent 5 days in patient and landed myself a therapist and med doc....needless to say I was cut lose from them for being a no-show to ONE lousy appointment.... I am going to square a few things away, and then I will go alone if I have to. I plan on walking into my local ER and asking for help. My county has an in-patient facility that will hopefully get me back on track with meds and therapy.

As stupid as it sounds. the one thing I dread the most, is when I walk in and have to talk to the people at the front desk...that ask..."do you need a doctor?" and then the inevitable....."okay, what is your problem?" I would like to be able to tell them as little as possible at the front desk....petty I know, but once I get to the back and in a room, I will be alright....I have many things written down to help explain what I am going through....

Hopefully before the weekend I will be ready....I will let you know before I go so you will know why I am not around for a while...

nancy:)

[paula]

Awe Thank you nancy, I really appreciate what you are doing truly!

You say you are worried at what to say to the receptionist when you arrive at the emergency room. Could you not also write this receptionist a letter explaining your thoughts and how you find it hard to express your feelings to people like herself, exactly how your feeling? Also, explain that you have written it in a letter as you don't want others to hear of your problems that are waiting in the waiting room? Just a thought!

I must tell you that I am going on a program on Monday 11 May 2009 for my Dyslexia. This program is going to take me away from home for 4 days so... I will not be able to connect to the web so... I am not ignoring you, I will be back home on Thursday 14 May 2009 (Tea time, around 6ish of the evening)

Well I wish you well and hope you get sorted. It's just a pity that I live so far away, otherwise, I would of come with you to lend a shoulder to cry on!

You take care now nancy and I mean every word I have said!

[nancyannee]

paula your words of encouragement and advice mean the world to me. I have thought about writing it all down...that is a good idea...keep your fingers crossed.

good luck with the program for Dyslexia. I can also relate to that. My husband and older daughter have a form of it as well...although they do nothing to understand it more...

I believe you when you say you would be here for me. that means alot.

nancy:)

[paula]

I will always be here for you nancy. Don't ever forget that!

[tracey.f]

Hold on in there for me, i'm fairly new around here but how your doing at the mo!!! That's not new to me at all, over the last week, if i'm honest(and i am, very!) i have talked myself out of taking things to that level. My head has killed me, i have wanted it all just to stop.just stop,to the point that how it stopped didn't bother me anymore! Thats when i knew i had to do something. I know what it's like when hospital is your only grace! Not the choise you want but need, i'm waiting for a bed in london, but if i have to go local in the meantime,it's something i'll do! Think and do that for me, if it's what you need at the mo, you do it ok!! And i will be here i promise you, as long as i can keep it up, we can do this. Keep in touch, i'm never far away at the mo!

I'm treading water,just! Tracey

[journeyupward]

Glad to see you are going to seek help. I hope you keep posting until you actually leave for the ER.

You're going to make it--hang on.

Hugs, JourneyUpward

[nancyannee]

the last and only time I sought out help, it took me about 2 weeks to talk myself into it. I am working on it now. Since my Mama died I have been a mess. We are also in the process of moving to another house. So I have had to go through her things and that was so hard. at this point I am having a hard time understanding spoken words. this is a first for me at least to this degree. very strange and unsettling. makes even harder to express myself without rambling and jumping from thought to thought...i am just gonna try to go to bed.

thanks everybody for your support. when i can get my head straight hopefully I can help someone like you have helped me.

[journeyupward]

The rest will do you good. Losing a loved one and the tasks that go with that causes a great deal of anxiety.

Not processing spoken words is another layer of symptoms to alert you that you need help now. As Paula said, you won't be any good to anyone if you can no longer function.

Our pride in our ability to cope causes us to postpone getting help. But the proverb is true: Pride goes before a fall. I've been there & it's not fun. So please, please take Paula's and my advice & get yourself to the ER asap.

Hugs & prayers, JourneyUpward

[tracey.f]

Hi ya, i hope you have got yourself some sleep! I wish i could get some more at the mo!

You do better than i do, it usually takes me longer than 2 weeks 2 make myself go into hospital,i'm proud of you! I'm hopeing that the increase in lamotrigine will keep me out for now but who knows. I try to have hope anyway,i try to remember that i was a little better a couple of years ago! I could do more, smile more,not always easy to remember though, is it?

I have a concentration problem at the mo, that makes speaking to people hard! I either find it so hard to stay with the conversation, or i suddenly forget what i was going to say because my mind is just going too fast to stay on 1 subject, then i feel really embarassed!!!

The trials of life, we can do this. I'm trying to tell myself that anyway.

[nancyannee]

The trials of life, we can do this. I'm trying to tell myself that anyway.

I tell myself that too tracey. I try to stay positive. It just seems like everything hits at once. I am packing the house today. (trying to anyway) hopefully I will get things taken care of before I snap. I know, I know. I should drop everything and run to the ER....but until I can get certain things straightened out I would be worried about it instead of taking advantage of the help I need.

[tracey.f]

I wish i was the type of person that could drop everthing when i needed to too but i'm not either!

I have 3 children, 2 who have problems. They come before me, they come before everthing!

My eldest is suffering from depression and low self confidendce, he doesn't get on well with his youngest brother,infact they fight constantly.he is seeing someone about his troubles, made sure of that!. My youngest looks like he has mild autistim and is also being seen! His needs are such that they can affect our whole household,boy does he have strops. I can't afford to be ill,or not be here right now. So for their sake for now, i fight everyday, i take everyday one day at a time,1 hour at a time. I do know, as i'm sure u do,that if it gets to the point that i have no reserve left,feel i have no fight left. Then for them and my husband, i go in, but for now,for them i fight hard!

I want to thank you all and everybody on this site, it has been a life line for me in the last week.it has given me somewhere to talk and find info. Hope your move isn't too stressfull,i'm at the end of a computer,anytime.bye

[paula]

Hi Tracy

I would also like to state to you like I did with nancy, don't wait till it's to late? If you feel things are getting on top of you, you must get to your local ER. You also need all your strength like nancy to look after your children.

I wish you both well and I will be thinking of you! I am here anytime any one of you need me or anyone else?

Take care!

(((HUGS))) :-)

[nancyannee]

finally getting some real packing done. the laundry all caught up and most of the drawers cleaned out... *inhale one two three, exhale one two three:rolleyes:

i can do this. it just feels like a race, my heart is racing and my adrenaline is roaring...i just can't get my body to keep up. my mind is having a hard time processing sounds around me. everything has a certain distortion and my depth perception is way off.:confused:

Tracey, Paula, Journey your support is most welcome. I need all I can get right now.

my thanks

nancy:)

[journeyupward]

Hi Nancy,

I don't mean to be pushy, I'm just concerned so here's a quick question:

have you been eating? If you have, has it been nutritious food? Have you been eating at regular intervals or have you been going more than 6 hours without eating?

The reason I ask is I've learned from other people and from my own experience that at 6 hours or more without food many people start to get dizzy, ears might ring, spacial perception becomes distorted, feel lightheaded and it gets really hard to focus.

So that's why I ask, are you eating well and regulary? Just worried about you hun. I don't mean to be pushy.

I'm in your corner--hugs,

JourneyUpward

[nancyannee]

you are not being pushy journey...i appreciate your concern. unfortunately eating has never been a problem for me. I probably eat too much....i try to eat plenty of veggies and the like...just eat at the wrong times...late at night....

my family is clueless...it looks like if I get help it will be alone. they see me living this way every day and don't understand why it is worse.HA. when I tell them I can't cope anymore they just ignore me and tell me to get over it. they would rather I suffer in silence at home than leave them for a few days to get straitened out......I am a mess.

[paula]

Hi nancyannee

Sorry not bn on lately but just got back from a 4x day program for my Dyslexic. A long story!

my family is clueless...it looks like if I get help it will be alone. they see me living this way every day and don't understand why it is worse.HA. when I tell them I can't cope anymore they just ignore me and tell me to get over it. they would rather I suffer in silence at home than leave them for a few days to get straitened out......I am a mess.

I wouldn't suggest this usually but... If your family are as much use as mine then... Get rid! There only extra baggage anyway! Baggage you can do without!

Go it alone nancy, you will be better off!

[nancyannee]

Go it alone nancy, you will be better off!

the sad fact is that you are so right. I see my children as my creation and my husband and extension of me. co-dependence does not begin to describe how interwoven we all are... by my hand. living with mental illness has taken its tole on all of us. I just wish I could not see so clearly as to how I have screwed up my girls.

here again I can't think straight and get my thoughts in the order needed to express my thoughts. my heart is racing. still. although I feel like I am going to explode it is seemingly very calm...all i can do is not allow those closes to me to be the object of my destruction when I blow.

[paula]

Hi nancyannee

the sad fact is that you are so right. I see my children as my creation and my husband and extension of me. co-dependence does not begin to describe how interwoven we all are... by my hand. living with mental illness has taken its tole on all of us. I just wish I could not see so clearly as to how I have screwed up my girls.

This is what I'm trying to tell you, you have not screwed up your girls, if anything, you have brought all of you closer together! This is why I say 'go it alone!' They are your daughters through thick & thin! This is what having a direct family (daughters, sons,) is all about. They have stood by you whether they have liked it or not. you are there mother for christ sake! They are your blood!

One thing to remember... Mental illness isn't anyone's fault! All you can do is accept the fact that you will always have it? Treated with Medical help, it can be controlled. Treat it the best you can and go on. It' not the end of the world. It's just a new start to a new beginning!

[tracey.f]

Hi nancy, i haven't caught up with you for a bit, sorry your not doing too well either.

When it comes to family and them understanding, i have a mixed bag!

I think my husband is the most understanding,supportive,kindest soul you could ever hope to meet. Even though i wasn't always this unwell when we first met, he always assures me that even if i had been like i am now, he would still have lovedme as much and would have still married me!

He says my illness is just one part of who i am! And who i am is a really lovely,kind and loving person, that i am more than just my illness!!!!!

I also have a wonderfull aunt who i can spend time with, i can be very honest with her too. It helps to talk when things feel like they are geeting out of control. i'm sure you know what i mean!

BUT THAT IS WHERE THE UNDERSTANDING ENDS!!

I have a mother who has told me my whole life that she always knew there was something wrong with me! That didn't stop the mental abuse that i have had the whole of my life, i don't think she can help herself. I dealt with this along time ago,she is just who she is, she can't/wont understand my illness. You can't change somebody, i just accept her for who she is. Even though she can't afford me the same courtesy!

I think she loves me in her own way but as a person? She doesn't like me much, i haven't turned out to be the person she wanted me to be! That is something that will never change and i gave up trying to do that a long time ago, that is her problem to deal with, i guess!

She can still be quite nasty at times but i just don't go there, i wont justify who i am. I don't feel i need to anymore!

My mother in law is just as bad, can be quite nasty too, Especially when i have been in hospital. I can't change her either, though my husband and my mum have had words with her before. ( my mum,ironic aye !)

Infact my biggest problem is how i see my self. I feel like i have let my children and my husband down so much over the last so many years. I try to protect my children from illness as much as i can,i don't like them to see me cry or when i'm too aggitated but i'm realistic. children are smart aren't they?!?

I also worry about when i feel like i'm getting to boiling point, the feeling like your about to explode or have a complete breakdown!!!

I take myself out of the situation if i can and try to take myself somewhere safe and quiet. I know that isn't always possible, i've hid in my bathroom for 5 min before!

It doesn't always help alot but i guess sometimes it gives you 2 seconds to try to get prespective.

When people can't or wont understand, it can hurt. I KNOW!

Tracey

Edited May 16, 2009 by tracey.f