Seperating

[Genxm5]

It seems every hour of every day right now I'm roller-coastering through all the stages of grief -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression. The last "stage" is acceptance, and today, as I write following a retreat with some very loving, understanding colleagues and friends, I'm starting to feel some acceptance.

It's my fifteenth year of marriage. We have two daughters, ages 10 and 7. My spouse and I are both turning 40 years old this year. She has taken this as her cue to finally leave me after years of our being friendly but just functioning in a facade of having a fully intimate marriage. There hasn't been any abuse and we've spent thousands of dollars and much time in therapy. But it's led her ... and me ... to conclude that it's over.

I'm not sure I would have given up and cut the tie as she is doing (we are presently discussing the next steps for separation). I may have just stuck with a loveless marriage for the sake of keeping the family together. I'm a very spiritual person, and so this family configuration works best with my beliefs. Well, save for the fact that I don't believe in a God who wants suffering, be it quiet or overt. She and I have been wrestling and suffering for too long. It really is time to get this shift going.

I'm sad. For myself being in this position, and especially for our girls -- who, because our facade was pretty healthy looking (save for the lack of affectionate word exchanges and physical displays of affection), really don't know what's coming. They know mommy has been out almost every night, and when she is home, daddy either stays in his office at home or also goes out. I'm fearful of the fallout. That said, I do strongly believe great peace and authenticity will come some day in the future. In the meantime, I really need to keep reaching out for the company of others who understand. And begin in individual therapy for additional constructive mental health work (I have an appointment this Monday!)

I'm hoping to find a place to lean on here in this community, and to be a place to lean on for others. My background as a child of an alcoholic and the 12-step Alateen work I've done reminds me how powerful support groups are.

Thanks much for reading/listening. I feel strong at the moment. Many more hours in the day to come, though ...

[Loneranger]

Sorry to hear about your brake up. These things always sadden me. You seem to be doing well - hope you can keep going in the right direction. I wish I had the faith you seem to have about a peaceful future. I struggle to believe anything that can’t be proven to me.

Regards

LR

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Genx,

I am also sorry to hear about the ending of your marriage. On the other hand, it must be awful to contemplate a loveless marriage. Life is short and even though this is traumatic and depressing (marriage always is) it also offers you opportunities for a more fulfilling life in the future. It may not feel that way now but, I can tell you from my years of private practice that people bounce back and live good lives again, or even better lives.

As for the children, they are usually resilient and able to cope as long as both parents remain in their lives and as long as they know that the divorce is NOT their fault. In fact, I would tell them now. Also, never criticize your wife to them (and vice versa). You and your wife are separating but you will always have a connection thru your children and they need both of you.

Allan

[Loneranger]

Allan! Did you just say that marriage is always traumatic and depressing?

[tracey.f]

Allan! Did you just say that marriage is always traumatic and depressing?

Hi guys, i'm not wading into this one but i am interested in the answer?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Loneranger and Tracey and everyone,

Allan! Did you just say that marriage is always traumatic and depressing?

No, that is not what I meant but that is very funny. No, what I meant is that Separation and Divorce are always tramatic and depressing.

Sorry for the unclarity. Is unclarity a word???