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Schizotypal personality disorder

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I have this disorder. It's taking every ounce of willpower I have in trying to seek help. I can't work because of my feelings about other people. I can't sleep because my mind never turns off enough to let me sleep. I have phantom pains that come out of nowhere. It's coupled with Dystimia so I can never really feel happy. I hate it. I hate feeling alien to everything around me. I hate wishing to be something else. I scared my mom other the other day. It's the only reason I'm here. The internet feels safe, nobody can see me or hear me. They don't know I have problems. I never have money because I can't work with people. All I want is help. Free if possible, there's no way I can afford anything. My mother finally learned about my problem. She's worried it's going to turn into Schizophrenia. I call her once a month, she says that's what worries her. I cut myself off from everyone, even the ones I love. It's lonely and cold. I'm always cold. I tried telling a doctor that I didn't feel right. I don't think she understood the severity of the situation. It's gotten bad. Every time I hear the Gangster next door playing his loud music, I want to hurt him. I want make him stop. I want him to go away. I know I can't think like that. It hurts now, the tears come but my head never stops hurting. I was given Amitriptyline to help me sleep and to make the headaches go away. It's been a month. it worked really well for a month. Now it's not working anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't trust anybody to really talk to someone face to face. It's hard. Not being understood. Called many things because I don't dress like them. I don't talk like them. I tried going to school. I finished but it was a disaster. Spent 10,000 dollars to go to PIMA to be a Veterinary assistant. then they wanted me to work for minimum wage. I didn't go to school for that. I didn't sit through classes tortured by the normal girls to work for minimum wage. I was smarter then them. I knew better. Ignoring them didn't work. My mind would take care of all the things they might have said or didn't say. My imagination works really really well. Sometimes almost too good. Hallucinations aren't normal. I"m not supposed to see things that aren't really there. I want it to stop. I want to me. Not someone with a psychosis. I just want to work like an intelligent person. I want to work in a zoo or with wildlife somewhere. but i'm afraid. I don't know who to talk to. All I see are places for alcohol and drugs. I'm not a druggy. I know better. I stay away from it. I don't touch it. It might make things worse. I don't want it to be worse. I want somebody to talk to. But they all want money. I don't have money. I have a good memory. I remember a lot. it hurts when I remember I don't have money, so I can't pay for help. I'm here cause my mom wanted me to get help. This was the only place I could post something for free. where I didn't have to pay. Maybe someone can be kind enough to help me. Or point me in a direction I can go.

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It sounds like you are in a lot of pain right now and could really use some help to sort everything out. I encourage you to continue reaching out to this community and find support here. However, I also think it's crucial that you see a mental health professional face to face. You seem to be describing some complex issues that deserve in dept assessment and treatment.

The first thing you should do is go back to the doctor that gave you the Amitryptyline and discuss what is happening with you. I would also ask him or her for a referral to a mental health professional that has what's called a "sliding scale" fee- these therapists offer low or no cost sessions to people that cannot pay. Or, if you are uncomfortable doing that, call the nearest community mental health center- and ask for similar recommendations for therapists with sliding scale fees.

If you feel severely out of control (particularly if you feel like you are in imminent danger of harming yourself or your neighbor), you will need to call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. The health care professionals there should able to hook you into services that have sliding scale fees. You will likely also need to talk to a social worker, who can help you figure out a plan for living and working.

It may sound overwhelming to do these things, but you have taken a brave first step by reaching out to this community. Now, you just have to keep moving forward.

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