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Spouse who is a bully/abusive


Dee1963

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Hi everyone,

I am new to the community. I stumbled across the site in my search to try to figure out how to handle my home situation. I seem to be married to someone who, I believe, has a personality disorder and is verbally, emotionally and in the past, physically abusive.

He is no longer physically abusive as I told him that if he ever tried it again, I would have him thrown in jail and he would lose his job. He told me at that time that no one would believe me and it would be my word against his. I explained that with a 16 and 21 year old in the house, that it was three words against his one, and sorry - he loses. The physical abuse ended abruptly then.

The emotional and verbal abuse continues though. Right now he is in an extreme passive aggressive phase. He does things like take the pipes apart under the kitchen sink and let it flood, while watching my reaction, never saying a word. I didn't react other than to clean it up and reassemble the pipes. (I'm a very handy person! :)) He isn't speaking to anyone right now, and that is actually a good thing. The more he retreats into his victim stance, the less drama we have in the house.

I need a break anyway, after 15 years of this, I am rather tired and I tire a little more quickly with each drama phase. This last drama was brought on by one of my sons coming back from Iraq. The focus was shifted entirely on him, family-wise, and that was just too much for my husband to handle.

I have told him to get help. I seriously doubt that he will though, as he vehemently states that he doesn't have a problem. Everything is apparently my fault and to hear him talk, I am pretty much evil incarnate.

He seems to truly enjoy egging family on to try to get someone to hit him. He keeps threatening to take whoever hits him "out". Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) for him, I raised my children better than that, and they usually just shake their heads and walk away from him. He also will get in everyone's face (literally - he is about an inch from someone) and scream at them. Corded neck muscles, beet red face, shoulders thrown back, etc. He says it's "action-reaction". That if we didn't "attack" him verbally, he wouldn't react that way. Attacking him consists of "I already took the garbage out today" and other such things that are mundane and have nothing to do with him. He also loves to call names. I constantly feel as if I am dealing with a very temperamental two year old.

So the effects of the abuses over the years is, I am flat out exhausted. I do not love my husband at all and am working on extracting myself financially from him so I can boot him out. All I feel for him is contempt. I have spent the last 15 years helping my children understand that he is sick and it is not their fault and not to put any weight into the tirades he has and to never, ever believe the names he calls them. All of my children have been through counseling and it looks like they are going to be okay. I am pissed off that my children have had to go through this. I am pissed at him and at myself. I have already sworn off ever getting remarried. I obviously pick poorly. This is my second marriage and there will not be a third.

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Hi Dee

First I wanted to tell you that you are very strong and it is very good that in all of the chayos that is around your home you were able to seperate yourself from your husbands attacts emotionally knowing that it really is HIS issue and NOT yours. I think it is good that you comforted your children are realined there thoughts back to reality, and that you got them support in counseling too and that makes you SUCH A GREAT MOM! I think it is GREAT that you are seperating yourself financially and so you can take whatever steps you will need to be strong (kicking him out or whatever)

I feel sad that you have had to endure this and I'm sure that the strenth you have now probibly comes with alot of pain that you had to go through. I think that sometimes emotionally people can shut down in this situation.

How were/are you able to be strong emotionally when under such attacts?

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If you're describing accurately (and I'm always suspect of one-sided reports even when they appear to be reasonable as is the case here), there is certainly some diagnosable problem that your husband is dealing with, although it is difficult to say what it might be with any precision. It could be a long standing depression, manifesting as irritability rather than melancholy; an anger problem, what is thought of as "intermittant explosive disorder" (an impulse control disorder), and it could be a personality disorder too. The externalization could be a sign of the rigidity characteristic of a personality disorder, or it could be a facet of depression. It is certainly abusive whatever else it is.

Is it only money that is holding you in place here?

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Thank you forgeting for your compliments!:) How I stayed strong through out was with support from family and friends as well as counseling for myself. When going through something like this you do question your judgment a lot, so I would talk to make sure I wasn't in left field and the counseling helped a great deal with tools to try to make things better. Early on I used time out when things got heated. My husband didn't ever like that and fought it, so I stopped saying the words and suddenly my bladder became very weak during our conversations. :D I really had no choice but to be strong as I had children who were depending on me. I also found joy where ever and when ever I could find it and kept my sense of humor. I would do things just for me like walk around the lake (which I really love!), or we might go on a family hike or picnic or to the beach etc. One thing about my husband is, in public he never behaves badly, so at least family outings were not stressful.

One of the other things, is through out the years there have been times that he actually listens and I can see the struggle going on in him. He really just can't connect the dots, he wants to, but can't. At those times I feel like I am trying to describe the color purple to a blind person.

To answer your question Mark, yes it is only finances that keep this going at this point. It's extremely expensive to live in Alaska, and moving is not an option. I do have a full time job and currently I am working on getting the back child support owed to me from my first husband.

Though for many years, it was the hope that things would be better that kept the marriage together, that and the fact we have a daughter together and she adores her father. We had gone to couples counseling, which was ended by my husband when the counselor wouldn't back my husband up with saying I was unfit and the counselor suggested that he might need to change some behaviors. We then tried family counseling, which was actually ended by the counselor. She told me what my husband was doing during the sessions was unhealthy and unproductive and she felt he wasn't likely to change. She continued to see the children though and suggested that I continue counseling on my own to be able to have the tools to be supportive for the children and for myself, which I did do.

I do understand about this being one sided. I try to be objective, but I am human and I am in the thick of it. :)

Sheesh! I talk a lot!:D

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Guest ASchwartz

Hello Dee1963,

In my opinion, you do not talk a lot. In fact I find your description of your situation very compelling. Do you tell your self a lot of negative things like that (ie: "I talk a lot")? It would not surprise me. Living in an abusive relationship for many years makes the strongest people start to believe the terrible thing the abuser is saying.

Allan:)

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Hello Dee1963, my name is Kris and I want to commend you for your patience and love for your family. I recently came to this forum to find help or suggestions for my anger problems that I take out on my wife. I have gotten some good advice and I am also seeing a counseler about my issues. I just want to say that after reading your post I am terribly sorry for the situation you are in. Your post hit me very hard and makes me wnat to fix myself so I can fix my marriage and be a better husband and father, so THANK YOU. Once again I am sorry for the situation and I hope you keep doing what is best for you and your children.

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Sorry it took me so long to get back to you Allan. Life got in the way.:)

To answer your question, there is a self-depreciating humor in Alaska which is a habit I have picked up from living here. I really don't talk negative much. I actually have quite a positive outlook on life and on myself, all things considered. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that life is just too short to spend unhappy all the time, so I choose to be happy. I find fun and laughter wherever I can. For instance this weekend I was shopping with my daughter for items she needed for a class camping trip this week. I was forcefully informed that fanny packs were "uncool" and that it makes "everyone" look at your behind. She had the defiance that only a teenage girl can get when they think a challenge is about to be issued. Now I could have taken it as a challenge to my authority, or just teenage defiance, but instead I just looked at her and asked if she thought that I was subconsciously wanting everyone to look at my behind since I liked fanny packs. I received a very self-satisfying eye roll and a "Gross Mom!" just before she turned away so I couldn't see her smile...:D The rest of the shopping trip was fun, though both of us are rather puzzled over the concept of freeze dried ice cream. :confused:

I wish you well Kris! It is heartening to read that you want to make things better. I firmly believe that as we each improve individually, we all benefit as a whole. I don't wish for anyone to wake up to find themselves walking alone in this life with their only company being the "if only's". Just remember we are all human and make mistakes. What makes us better people is our ability to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and say "I will do better next time". I truly wish you the best for yourself and for your family as well.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Dee1963,

Wow, your description of your self and you humor is great. I can almost hear you kids saying "gross mom" and all of you laughing. What a great attitude you have towards life. I wish that everyone would read your post. All I can say is "Way to go, Dee1963."

Allan: with a big and happy smile :)

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Like tiger, I also felt your post hit close to home and I thank you for sharing with us. I agree that being stuck with "only ifs" is a tough way to see things. It's very inspiring to be reminded that a positive outlook is the better way forward and you've done just that for me as well.

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Guest ASchwartz

Kaudio,

I agree. The "what ifs" of life are impossible. It is more important to just move on with our lives and waste time sobbing over "what if," or "if I only had," etc.

Allan :):)

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So - you can't go any faster than you can go in life. If you need time to transition to a situation where you can be self-supporting, then you need that time. The questions then become:

1) what can you do now to make your life more tolerable in the meantime?

2) what concrete steps are you taking to move yourself along to the financially more independent place you have decided is vital for the life you want to lead?

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Thank you Mark. Those are the questions aren't they? It has given me a lot to think over. I had already started by getting a separate checking account in my name only, and I already have a full time job that basically pays the bills, no extra though.

But... I paint. I paint for relaxation and release of emotions. I paint what I feel and how that looks to me. I also have people who want to buy my paintings. So, I guess my first step is that I need to re-establish myself as an artist again. That would be an answer to both questions. It wouldn't be easy, as I live in a town filled with artists, literally. It's hard to compete with world famous artists, one of whom even has art hanging in the Smithsonian. I have been told that my art makes people feel things, rather than just pretty pictures. Can you tell I am already working on talking myself into this?:) I already have the oils and the canvas, so I just need to get to it. I've attached one of my paintings, just for everyone to see. It is the first in a series I was thinking of doing. I guess I will just do them. :)

post-293-13388650062204_thumb.jpg

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:)wow Dee

I really like your painting, It is interesting hearing what others see and feel in your work espeshally if you are able to create some sort of meaning for them. I would love to see more!!!:)

Post it if you are able.

thanks for showing and I agree with what Mark said. The woman does look very confident, content, and peaceful but misterious at the same time.

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  • 2 months later...

Hi Dee, nice to meet you. In my opinion, your husband sounds not only passive aggressive but has anger issues as well. As someone said, it is very easy to start believing everything our abuser says to us.

Does he have some sense of entitlement? Put you down to make himself look better?

Many times bullies do this. Peer Abuse and bullying is a learned behavior and he has probably learned this behavior elsewhere.

Hang in there, you do not deserve this whatsoever....

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Guest Megan

Hello Dee! Thanks for sharing. I admire your positive attitude and outlook! I see that you haven't been here since May. I hope that means things are better for you. :o

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  • 3 weeks later...

wow! i ALSO STUMBLED ACROSS THIS SITE looking for help or advice or at the very least, comfort.

My situation is very similar to yours. Frightenly so...

I have been married for about 4 years and the verbal and emotional abuse started about 2 months after we wed. I was shocked. My husband seems to have an anger issue. He seems to be spontaniously explosive and I never know what will set him off. Like your husband, mine goes bizerk, screaming inches away from my face, pointing and shouting, about very 'dumb' things.

I am glad to see you have some kind of plan. i AM WORKING ON PLAN B which requires me to save up a little bit of money. Unfortunetly i HAD TO CALL THE POLICE THE other day because the situation got out of control. My husband was issued a no contact order (he was irate when the police arrived and they issued the order). We have 2 chldren, one is his and the other from another relationship (my eldest was from another abusive relationship).

My husband strangled me when I was pregnant and i only stayed because I was pregnant. I swore if he ever touched me again I would call the police. I pretty much lived the past two years in a reclusive manner. I have been walking on eggshells.

A few days ago, we got in a heated argument because I took a shower and he did not take care of the baby. she barfed on herself and he did not clean her up. He told me I was neglectful because I took a shower. I was infuriated and told him that I should not have to 'ask' to bathe myself. He proceeded to get in my face (like your husband) and started calling me useless and worthless and so on and so forth. I just snapped and I slapped him. I know it was wrong to do so, but how much does a person have to take before it becomes too much? hE THEN punched me in the face. I called the police and he was taken to jail. Don't get me wrong, i TOLd the police I hit him first, and I explained why. He was so irate and non coherent they booked him. he blames me for his anger.

Also, he is a closet alcoholic.this is alos'my fault' hE DRINKS about 9 beers between 7 and 11 pm. He never drinks at weddings or parties, and nobody beleives that he can be such a monster. I was told I was wrong to have called the cops, he could lose his job. i have no support, that is why I searched online.He is a white colar, respected comunity indivdual. nobody beleives me. i have been made out to be the bad guy. actually, the only ones who beleive me are the police. they saw it first hand. and my eldest, she saw everything. she is only 11 and is in therepy. he insisted that she goes to therepy because threre is something 'wrong' with her.she is a normal pre teen, and the therepist agrees that it is him who has the problem.Right now i don't know where my marrage stands. If he goes to aa and anger mangmt and couple counsel, I might stay for now until I can save up enough to leave. I am working on my bachelors degree and work full time so I really am stressed beyond the max. i would kill myself if it wern't for my children.

anyway, not that i am glad to see your post was similar to my situation,i HOPE FOR YOU ALL THE BEST. i am releived that there are people out there who may not think i am the bad guy.

also, I am typing on a laptop that i am not used to, and i am dyslexic, so sorry for the typos.my cap lock does not seem to be cooperating!

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Hi Sweetmama

Your post seemed to have got pushed aside a wee bit. Never mind.

Back to your post! I sympathies with you and Dee. The pair of you must have the patience of a Saint! I know I haven't.

Am I right to believe that what you are saying is, that your Husband is a man of the church. In the U.K we call them Vicar's, Clergymen, Priest. I am right in thinking that, ain't I?

If this is true, then you'd think he should know better! How dare he punch you in the face! It doesn't matter that you slapped him in the face first! You was being Ridiculed! ANY MAN WHO HITS A WOMAN IS A COWARD!

I think you did the right thing in informing the Police. God knows what would of happened if you hadn't? And he supposed to be a man of one of Gods preacher's.

Personally, I think he's one of Satan's preacher's if you ask me. He's not worthy enough to be a man of the Church! The sooner the community know of his sin's, the better.

I'm not doing bad to say that I don't practice Religion, am I? I am a Catholic though. I just don't go to church. It doesn't mean to say that I don't believe in the Lord. Because I do! Enough said. It's turning into a Sermon! Ha! You've got to laugh haven't you? Otherwise you'd cry!

I think your a real brave woman to put up with what you have! And in just a short space of time too!

Take care! Just like to mention that your not on your own in being Dyslexic. I'm Dyslexic too!

Paula x:eek:

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  • 1 month later...

Dee1963,

Your hasband is from what I read able to distigush when and were his behavior is safe for him to use. I have never known any person with any illness to have the ability to control themselves in that manner unless they have been successfully going through conciling. You did not metion any counciling he had been in. knowing that he only behaves the way he does where he feel s safe says to me that he is just a batterer. I know this kind of behavoir because I have been going through the neccessary change in my life to stop what I have been doing. I could be wrong but the fact that punnishment stopped the physical violence also points to it being his deccission to behave that way. Emotionally ill people especially the ones who use violence do not consider the effects of thier actions or what the punnishment might be other wise pleading insanity would not be considered a viably legal plea. He is chossing his behavior it is not a product of anyting but choice. I know that I am greatful for what I have learnt about myself I used to think I had a mental problem but it was not it was me making the deccission to be the way I was.

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  • 2 months later...

I haven't been dealing with it nearly as long as you, but I went through the same thing with my soon to be ex husband. He is also very passive aggressive. If I did something (unknowingly) to make him mad, he would completely destroy the house and then get mad at me even more for not cleaning it up. I would ask him repeatedly to just talk to me if I do something he doesn't like so I would know not to do it again and he never did. Instead he would always do things that he knew was going to make me mad or upset. I know how it makes a person feel, and I strongly recommend getting away as fast as you can. That's what I'm trying to do.

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