Struggling in pain!!!

[confused101709]

I really hope I can find some useful help to cope with my life shattering situation. I was to marry the absolute answer to my future happiness, 10-17-09. Now that's not going to happen. I went to residential treatment to address my substance abuse issue that I was not able to beat by myself, in May of this year. When I came home my fiancé was super verbally abusive and consistently putting yelling at me and/or saying mean things to me. I understand he is mad that I had been hiding an addiction from him for at least 6 months of our amazing 21/2 year relationship, but I only made this drastic move to be the best wife and mother possible. I really took my recovery seriously and was determined to not be one of the statistics. Both I and my fiancé are in the mental health field so I was astonished by his reaction.

I was unemployed when I returned from treatment and was on our computer consistently with employment finding. One day I came across something by accident that was earth shattering, Porn. He lied about this and said that he just looked at if after a friend sent him an email. Upon further investigation, my fiancé had been viewing this daily, and this meant morning, noon, and night. Even coming home in the middle of the afternoon from work the day after I returned from treatment to view this crap. This was not just porn, but extremely horrible short movie/film clips that were just mortifying. He had been doing this since before our relationship even began. I had a melt-down due to his severe resentment toward me with my addiction and saying that I was never to be trusted.

We started going to a therapist that specialized in both substance and sexual addictions. One night when going to bed I asked him why he was still getting things sent to his email etc. He got so angry that he dragged me out of our bed screaming pulled me by my hair and neck and threw me in the computer chair denying everything. He had gotten physical in the past, but never like this. This story is long and complicated. I was very close to his mother and told her about this. She said to stay at their home for a break while they were on vacation.

One day when I had just began my new job he called when I was going into an important meeting. He was not able to go to work and was crying and needed to talk. I told him that I could not miss this meeting and it was a very good new job. Two hours later when I got out of the meeting, I listened to my messages. He had tried to call me several times while I was in the meeting. The voice mail said , you are right, I know I should not of done those things, I love you so much, and I will do whatever it takes to get help, I’m so sorry.

By the time I could get home to talk to him, he had all of things packed in my new luggage that we were to use for our already booked trip to Hawaii. He had everything that I owned and basically kicked me out. So I am blown away, I do not understand what happened???? He said it's over...

Someone please help, i have lost everthing, and barely have an appartment. i mean i just got my first check when he kicked me out!!!! RECOVERY!!!! please, this is so fucking hard

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Confused101709,

You have every reason in the world to feel upset about the way things have turned out. And, there is no question that you are going through a shocking and painful period in your life. Yes, there is a "but" coming and here it is:

What you describe as so very ideal was never really the way you were thinking about it. Here is why:

1. Each of you were keeping a secret from one another. It was not only your addiction that you kept secret from him, but his addiction to porn that he kept secret from you. I do not like to generalize because nothing is true of "everyone" but, I have found in my practice over the years, that if one is holding a secret, the other one is also.

2. What I find very troubling about what you have written is that this man has "gotten physical with you" before. Not a good sign. If you work in mental health then you must be aware that his behavior is abuse, both physical and emotional. In other words, what you describe as "getting physical with you" is violence, plain and simple. All the years of my experience tells me that if he has been physical with you now, he would get worse in the future.

3. He is in a huge amount of denial, viewing himself as the "victim" because you were not honest with him, while overlooking the fact that he was not honest with you, either.

I would like to hear from our other members but, speaking for myself and with my background, I believe that you are lucky to learn all of this now, before you married this man. It would have become much worse and much more "messy" to marry and then learn all of this.

Caution: What you need to be careful about is to avoid relapsing because of this. In fact, I have to even ask (for you to ask yourself) is if you went to rehab for your own health or for him. I hope you did it for YOU. Your sobriety (whatever drugs you were using) is what is most important. There are other men and better relationships for you in the future. I know it may not feel like this now but it will. I also believe you need to allow yourself to feel a good and appropriate amount of anger AT HIM.

Please use all of your support systems to get you through and, of course, we are part of that. Do you attend AA meetings?

Allan

[Guest GingerSnap]

As someone who has two bad marriages, I only wish I could have had a preview of what was to come as you have. The only answer to your future happiness is YOU and what YOU do with your future. I think that each of us in responsible for our own happiness. My son has Down syndrome and functions like at the 3-year old level and with such limits, I see him everyday give 200% to what he does and I watch others with unlimited potential give 25% which is a constant reminder who is control or not in one's life. And,what A. Schwartz has said: "I do not like to generalize because nothing is true of "everyone" but, I have found in my practice over the years, that if one is holding a secret, the other one is also. (sorry) - I am one of the exceptions to what you have found. I am still concerned that you feel a man, any man, is the answer to your future happiness. With my experience with my first husband, he was physically violent but it took awhile into the marriage and then he became physically and verbally abusive to our son, at that time a sweet, well-behaved 3 year old who my husband wanted to "act like a man", so I kicked him to the curb. My second and current husband came into the marriage keeping a secret (sexual fetish which he was aware of), said he thought getting married would take care of the issue (marriage really doesn't work to take care of any "issues" and neither does having children) but it didn't - he is now classed as "too sick to ever love me husband" and that is 27 years wasted. I know you don't feel lucky but some day because of finding this out now, you have the chance to find someone (take some time doing this) that will love you and not abuse you. I suggest Dr. Phil's "Love Smart", if only I could have read that years ago and also a book I think I found from reading an article on this website called "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Some day you'll be looking back at this saying "Sure glad I dodged that bullet." Hang in there.