sinking deeper

[texasgirl]

Talking in this forum seems to be doing me no good, not surprising. I'm tired of being this way, I go for weeks without clawing then here we go again. Someone told me to talk to God, yeah whatever once again he's no where to be found.

I'm so tired of this crap...

[Mark]

It's just a difficult situation you're in. You've been traumatized, really. This is not self-help stuff that you can easily learn to deal with it on your own. Maybe by taking a concentrated course in meditation or some skill for developing acceptance. What works for trauma and abuse are things like EMDR and exposure therapy. What works for self-injury tend to be self-soothing and acceptance/mindfulness strategies. Drugs can take away symptoms but will not address the trauma really. You've maintained that you simply cannot possibly access the sort of help that will likely benefit you, and I can't disagree with you becuase you know what you can and cannot do best. the fact that you are so ashamed and can't really deal with this stuff in public is very very understandable, but just makes it more difficult to address. Really, you need specific kinds of therapy for the best possibility of seeing results and there doesn't seem to be an easy way for you to get it. What is left for us here is to try to comfort you and support you. We can't fix you, and we can't do the work for you. We can just help support you. I truly wish it was possible for us to do more but it just isn't.

You've told me before that you didn't want to talk to me and then you came back to talk some more. So, I think that you want to talk despite the fact that you are so frustrated and tired. I'm glad for that, becuase talking can be a lifeline.

Maybe something to talk about is mindfulness/acceptance. there are things in the world that can't be changed easily, and when such things are present in your life, it is better to work on accepting them rather than insisting again and again that they become different. I know you are having intensive flashbacks that must be awful. this is hard stuff to accept! I'm not so much talking about accepting any conclusions you might have about your worth as a result of being abused and traumatized; I'm not talking about learning to accept that you are not a worthwhile person, but rather, that the flashbacks and such occur - that these storms happen in yourself and you have to learn to deal with them (given that you've concluded that you can't get to the therapy that might help like EMDR).

Does this make any sense to you? I know you're angry and upset. I hope you can see past the anger to something we could help you work on.

[texasgirl]

I don't want to hurt anymore Mark....

[texasgirl]

I'm tired of hurting Mark, I don't want to hurt anymore.

It's just a difficult situation you're in. You've been traumatized, really. This is not self-help stuff that you can easily learn to deal with it on your own. Maybe by taking a concentrated course in meditation or some skill for developing acceptance. What works for trauma and abuse are things like EMDR and exposure therapy. What works for self-injury tend to be self-soothing and acceptance/mindfulness strategies. Drugs can take away symptoms but will not address the trauma really. You've maintained that you simply cannot possibly access the sort of help that will likely benefit you, and I can't disagree with you becuase you know what you can and cannot do best. the fact that you are so ashamed and can't really deal with this stuff in public is very very understandable, but just makes it more difficult to address. Really, you need specific kinds of therapy for the best possibility of seeing results and there doesn't seem to be an easy way for you to get it. What is left for us here is to try to comfort you and support you. We can't fix you, and we can't do the work for you. We can just help support you. I truly wish it was possible for us to do more but it just isn't.

You've told me before that you didn't want to talk to me and then you came back to talk some more. So, I think that you want to talk despite the fact that you are so frustrated and tired. I'm glad for that, becuase talking can be a lifeline.

Maybe something to talk about is mindfulness/acceptance. there are things in the world that can't be changed easily, and when such things are present in your life, it is better to work on accepting them rather than insisting again and again that they become different. I know you are having intensive flashbacks that must be awful. this is hard stuff to accept! I'm not so much talking about accepting any conclusions you might have about your worth as a result of being abused and traumatized; I'm not talking about learning to accept that you are not a worthwhile person, but rather, that the flashbacks and such occur - that these storms happen in yourself and you have to learn to deal with them (given that you've concluded that you can't get to the therapy that might help like EMDR).

Does this make any sense to you? I know you're angry and upset. I hope you can see past the anger to something we could help you work on.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Texasgirl,

Of course you are tired of hurting. Yes, you can be and are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the terrible things done to you by your mother. There is help for this: there is medicine that can help you sleep calmly and without flashback dreams, there is medicaton that can reduce the flashbacks during the day, and there is psychotherapy that can help you get on with your life with a lot less pain. One of those is called EMDR and has helped people reduce the effects of major trauma in their lives.

You have been in pain for so long and have kept secret the terrible things done to you that you do not know how to feel hope.

We can only give support by letting you know we care but this is no substitute for therapy. Go for help. We are all rooting for you.

Allan

[texasgirl]

Allan,

There is more to why I can't get help, It's not the lack of desire to want help. I can not for now, I know this forum or any forum will not be the kind of help I need, It's all I got to hold on to for now.

You can call me Kate

[texasgirl]

If I could go get the help I need I would, It's just not possible to do that. I know you all can not help me thats fine, should never have thought you could. I get the feeling I'm being brushed aside out of the way, a feeling I am well acquainted with.

Guess I'll go back to dealing with this on my own.

Bye.

[Guest ASchwartz]

I know this forum is all the help you have right now and that is OK. Please do not misunderstand, I am not suggesting that you stop posting, not at all. You are NOT being brushed aside. But, please help us understand the reason or reasons why you cannot get help now??

Allan

[texasgirl]

Dosen't matter anymore.

[Dee1963]

Hi Kate,

It does matter. YOU matter. You have already experienced the underbelly of humanity and survived! The amount of strength it takes to do that is a testament to your will to survive. You are still standing and should be proud that you are. I am sure that you are tired, and you have every right to be. You have been through a battle for your mind, body and soul.

Please don't let them win now. If it feels overwhelming to talk about all of it, pick one area to talk about. The people here do care.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Dear Dee1963,

I fully agree with you. It does matter and we do care!!!

Allan

[texasgirl]

I know this forum is all the help you have right now and that is OK. Please do not misunderstand, I am not suggesting that you stop posting, not at all. You are NOT being brushed aside. But, please help us understand the reason or reasons why you cannot get help now??

Allan

Allan,

There are many reasons I can not get help right now, some of the main reasons. I have no money no insurance no resources to afford help in any way right now. I have a very I'll husband , we are trying to survive on my measly pay check .I have 84 year old mother in-law who is wheal chair bound ,I take care of. Her health is declining fast, and because of stupid Texas laws. We are trying to keep her at home at all cost. It's just not possible right now.

Kate

[Mark]

Kate,

That context does help.

So - you are a caregiver for both your husband and for your mother-in-law, both of whom are needy. Plus you are working to provide the sole income for the entire family. That is enormous pressure on you. It would be enough to make anyone feel out of control.

Have you ever read about Abe Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs? Though you have immediate psychological needs, you are faced with a situation where there are more emergent Belonging and basic safety/shelter needs that are interfering with your ability to address those psychological needs. That shifts my sense of what might be important for you to address from managing the chaos in your head to managing the family needs you are faced with. If some of the pressure can come off you family-wise, it may help your head and heart too.

Can I ask how ill/disabled your husband is? becuase you too are ill and in need of care. It occurs to me that it might be important to know if you feel he is actually disabled, and incapable of contributing to the family welfare, or if you feel he might be taking advantage of your willingness to be the sole provider. Cultural and family attitudes often push the wife to become caregiver as opposed to the husband, but that isn't a fair distribution of responsibility in some cases. Even if he can't work to bring in income, is he incapacitate to the point where he can't help care for his mother?

My larger point is that in any care-giving relationship, it is important for the caregiver to herself get rest and support. If she can't get that, she breaks down to the detriment of all those who depend upon her. This isn't happening for you and you are breaking down.

Have you looked into community resources that might help to support your caregiving efforts? There might be eldercare supports out in the community, probably in grass-roots or church supported formats. Is there a senior center in the area you can call for advice or programs? I don't know just how rural your setting is. Many suburban settings and even many small towns will have something of this nature to offer.

Are there any other family members you can call upon to help you do caregiving? Such as members of your husband's family who maybe could help even on a temporary basis to provide you with some respite.

I'm maybe rambling here a little (been known to do that), but hopefully this provides you with something to think about and respond to.

[texasgirl]

Mark,

My husband is ill and feels very bad but not disabled no he is not taking advantage of anything. His illnesses limit him to what he can do,he also has the strain of feeling useless right now. It is very frustrating for him ,it is also very hard for him to see his mom this way , she is not his mom anymore. I do not think of myself as ill, crazy but not ill. My mother in-law has home health come out three times a week, my husband and our teenage son help with her too. I moved out of our home into my mother in-laws house when she came home. She broke her hip and went to a nursing home for a few months, I offered to move in with her so she did not have to stay at the home. Our houses are next door to each other. However I do sleep alone for now. There is no other family we are all there is, my family and I do not speak 4 sisters 2 brothers and my mom.

I tend to ramble too, one of my disliked qualities.

Kate

Kate,

That context does help.

So - you are a caregiver for both your husband and for your mother-in-law, both of whom are needy. Plus you are working to provide the sole income for the entire family. That is enormous pressure on you. It would be enough to make anyone feel out of control.

Have you ever read about Abe Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs? Though you have immediate psychological needs, you are faced with a situation where there are more emergent Belonging and basic safety/shelter needs that are interfering with your ability to address those psychological needs. That shifts my sense of what might be important for you to address from managing the chaos in your head to managing the family needs you are faced with. If some of the pressure can come off you family-wise, it may help your head and heart too.

Can I ask how ill/disabled your husband is? becuase you too are ill and in need of care. It occurs to me that it might be important to know if you feel he is actually disabled, and incapable of contributing to the family welfare, or if you feel he might be taking advantage of your willingness to be the sole provider. Cultural and family attitudes often push the wife to become caregiver as opposed to the husband, but that isn't a fair distribution of responsibility in some cases. Even if he can't work to bring in income, is he incapacitate to the point where he can't help care for his mother?

My larger point is that in any care-giving relationship, it is important for the caregiver to herself get rest and support. If she can't get that, she breaks down to the detriment of all those who depend upon her. This isn't happening for you and you are breaking down.

Have you looked into community resources that might help to support your caregiving efforts? There might be eldercare supports out in the community, probably in grass-roots or church supported formats. Is there a senior center in the area you can call for advice or programs? I don't know just how rural your setting is. Many suburban settings and even many small towns will have something of this nature to offer.

Are there any other family members you can call upon to help you do caregiving? Such as members of your husband's family who maybe could help even on a temporary basis to provide you with some respite.

I'm maybe rambling here a little (been known to do that), but hopefully this provides you with something to think about and respond to.

[texasgirl]

Mark,

Please don't misunderstand, I'm not asking for a medal or whining. I was simply trying to make y'all understand why I can not get help right now. I know what I do is appreciated, I'm am shown and told that I'm appreciated. Some times it can be a bit overwhelming, especially when I don't sleep.

Kate

Kate,

That context does help.

So - you are a caregiver for both your husband and for your mother-in-law, both of whom are needy. Plus you are working to provide the sole income for the entire family. That is enormous pressure on you. It would be enough to make anyone feel out of control.

Have you ever read about Abe Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs? Though you have immediate psychological needs, you are faced with a situation where there are more emergent Belonging and basic safety/shelter needs that are interfering with your ability to address those psychological needs. That shifts my sense of what might be important for you to address from managing the chaos in your head to managing the family needs you are faced with. If some of the pressure can come off you family-wise, it may help your head and heart too.

Can I ask how ill/disabled your husband is? becuase you too are ill and in need of care. It occurs to me that it might be important to know if you feel he is actually disabled, and incapable of contributing to the family welfare, or if you feel he might be taking advantage of your willingness to be the sole provider. Cultural and family attitudes often push the wife to become caregiver as opposed to the husband, but that isn't a fair distribution of responsibility in some cases. Even if he can't work to bring in income, is he incapacitate to the point where he can't help care for his mother?

My larger point is that in any care-giving relationship, it is important for the caregiver to herself get rest and support. If she can't get that, she breaks down to the detriment of all those who depend upon her. This isn't happening for you and you are breaking down.

Have you looked into community resources that might help to support your caregiving efforts? There might be eldercare supports out in the community, probably in grass-roots or church supported formats. Is there a senior center in the area you can call for advice or programs? I don't know just how rural your setting is. Many suburban settings and even many small towns will have something of this nature to offer.

Are there any other family members you can call upon to help you do caregiving? Such as members of your husband's family who maybe could help even on a temporary basis to provide you with some respite.

I'm maybe rambling here a little (been known to do that), but hopefully this provides you with something to think about and respond to.

[Mark]

I'm glad to know that your home situation feels fair - even if it is completely overwhelming. I'm glad to know you have home health and some support from your other family members. It may not be much, but it is something.

About the term "illness"; I mean to suggest that you are very likely emotionally ill with something akin to PTSD happening. I can't know for sure, but that is the ballpark based on what you've been describing. If you are carving on yourself as a stress relief and having flashbacks and dissociative episodes regarding past abuse, that is likely a diagnosable clinicially significant illness. It happens to be a "mental" illness, but it is quite a legitimate illness just the same. No illness is anything to desire, but if you are only calling yourself "crazy" that is a putdown. If you can think of it as the illness it is, maybe you can feel less negative about yourself. There is no good reason to put yourself down here, is what I'm driving at.

[texasgirl]

The carving/clawing happens during my nightmares, I wake up doing it. I get very little sleep, it's like I fall asleep quickly but it's not for long or a restful sleep. I have tried everything, mood Cd's, aroma therapy, warm milk, I'm half Cherokee I even hung a giant dream catcher above my bed as a last resort (suppose to catch the bad dreams). Ive been so tired that my husband gave me a sleeping pill, I didn't wake up that I remember but the next morning I found the back door open I know it was me because my mother in-law can not get to that part of the house. So apparently I was still sleep walking, I afraid to take another one. I have gotten use to little sleep .

It's just sick Mark , what I do to myself. I hate it, I hate my dad! I hate my brother! I hate my 4 sisters, my other brother, my mother for doing nothing! Most of all I hate me!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Dear Texasgirl,

Please, please, please do not hate your self. Yes, you have some problems and it's fine that you hate the people you mention, at least, in my opinion. But, I want you need to Love yourself.

It is possible that the sleeping pill lead to sleep walking. It is never a good idea for anyone ever to take medication without the guidance and advice of an MD. If you have an MD perhaps he or she could recommend medication to help you sleep. With a disorder like PTSD it is very difficult to sleep, yet, it is vitally important to sleep as a way to start to recover. This is why I urge you to see your Doctor.

I can "hear" your frustration through your postings and I feel for you. Be patient with your self. Can you speak to your Medical Doctor?

Allan

[texasgirl]

No I can not.

[Guest ASchwartz]

OK, but, why not???

Allan

[texasgirl]

Just Can't

[texasgirl]

have no money allan

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Texasgirl,

If you have no money there are ways to get help. Have you applied for Medicaid or for Disability or both?

Are you sure you are not using the lack of money as a way to stop your self from getting help. I fully believe you when you say you have no money but the government does provide support programs for people who qualify. Is it possible that you know this but are fearful of getting help??

Allan