Breakdown

[ManyFaces]

I was in nyc when the towers came down. I was young then, only 13. I never thought I could be affected, but I don't think I ever really believed that. Since 9/11 I've been a substance abuser. In light of this I was affected by 9/11, I guess denial is sometimes ones only coping mechanism maybe. I wont go into specifics but I've had some very dark times in my life even pre-9/11. the summer of 06 I was turning 18 and I thought I was cured. With the help of a shrink I quit a lot of substances, I got an N/A degree thingy and was on my way. I was doing good, then my shrink said that maybe we should dig deeper then just the surface of my problems and get to the root of it. Things from there got bad. I stopped going to see him but he had opened the floodgates and it was too late. then 9/11 rolled in again, and with it the holidays and everything that I had balanced in my mind fell to pieces.

Since then I've considered going to see professional but I guess maybe I'm a bit scared. I'm pretty unbalanced now, but I don't want things to progress the way they did the last time. I'm aware of the whole, "its darkest before the light" and all that nonesence and I guess it true, but I have so many issues. It took me a good 6 or 7 months to rebuild myself the last time i went to see a shrink.

Every year it seems 9/11 brings up things I just don't know how to deal with. Not just in terms of what may or may not be PTSD, but it sturs up everything. I mean I've rehashed the events, their meanings, how I suspect they've affected me but it makes no difference. As soon as 9/11 comes around everything seems to crash. I don't even know if it is PTSD or what. But from 9/11 I just feel pained.

Usually its begin with loss of the will to do things, ie find a job, go to school, wake up, etc. when I was younger I always assumed it was natural to feel like that. Summers over, everything begins to die, ya know, a bit of season depression nothing serious. but some of my friends notice the difference. they know its it now me they're talkin to, but a shadow.

Over the past couple of years or so I've started abusing substances as a way to hide from this thing that takes over around this time of the year, among other things, but I somehow don't think its improved my condition. Then the general paranoia begins to set in. At first the substances helped keep me, well for lack of a better term mellowed out enough to deal, but now that seems no longer to be the case.

With the paranoia comes the rush of thoughts that I simply can do nothing to control. Everything from suicide to signing into bellvue to joining the armed services pass's though my head.

in the past 2 years, I've began having problems distinquishing between myself and the faces I show everyone. I feel as if I've splintered my personalty. I mean, each group of my peers knows me by a different set of morals/ethics, likes and dislikes, reactions, jokes and whatnot, though I suppose this could simply be a product of my imagination.

Since 9/11 the only time I've really felt happy is when I am under the influence. That is not the only time, there are occasions when I just feel happy because I am. But for the most part especially in social situations I simply mimic the mood around me and hope no one notices. When I do have emotions now, be it happy or sad, or whatever, it just overwhelms me. I freeze up, it just shuts me down, and it scars me.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel like just giving up, but that aint an option. I guess life is just one big struggle right?