awareness shocked me

[roamer2]

i am 35 and have had the symptoms of bipolar all my life. sever depression, sleep disorders, time lapses, constant multiple obsessive thoughts, extreme manic states, lack of concentration, easily distracted, jumping from 1 subject to another, compulsive behaviors, exc.

i have almost destroyed my body through obsessive work. i did manual labor for 22 years and would get " energy boosts" after 6 hours of intense physical labor. i would have so much energy no one could keep up not even 2 or 3 people. i completely ignored pain, broken bones, fatigue, basically all the limits of my body. now my health is a mess and im dealing with the effects of that and the mental aspect that i have always carried.

i compulsively hold on to things such as agreements, commitments, relationships, sex, exc. i hold onto problems obsessively trying to hammer out solutions. (i do problem solve incredibly well) i " multi-task" i can do several things at 1 time and have even several more thoughts while doing those things.

because of all the thoughts that run in my head at one time i have the ability to be incredibly imaginative. once spurred my imagination seems to flow with 1000's of thoughts instantly. my since of humor seems endless but is not always a clean acceptable thing.

i have learned the some of the pros and cons of this disorder. the major thing to achieve is balance. for that i have started meds and mental health treatment. they are helping a bit. i still struggle with many things but on brief occasions "middle ground" something that has never happened before in my life.

im finding slowly that this is not all bad. though the depressive side will tell me it is. this is just part of my perfect imperfection that makes me human. the goal is to get these things into balance.

i have spent a lifetime destroying me. and hurting others at the same time. being aware of this is a huge step in the right direction. maybe i will have an opportunity to have a lifetime of piece through understanding, treatment, and love. a burden has been lifted.

i wrote this in hopes that it would at some point be a help to someone just like me. because we are not alone in this. there is hope.........

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Roamer 2,

It takes time with medicine and therapy to recover. You need to be patient with yourself and give it time. There are often medication adjustments, also. I urge you to read about Bipolar disorder so that you can learn as much as you can about it. It's important that you find ways to reduce stress in your life and become more mindful of your body and your mental health.

What do you think?

Allan:)

[roamer2]

i think you are right. lately the smooth road has disappeared. severe depression has its grip still. i am waiting on med coverage. still have very limited resources. my life is still a complete wreak and more is piling on daily. i applied for disability in feb 08.. have been unable to work since dec 07. child support enforcement is taking measures to put me in prison. just when i get a little hope something crushes it. i have lived in hell long enough. i just want out. i dont care how. i just want out. from where i sit dieing would be a blessing. i dont want to kill myself but wish i would just die. i have endured more than most people could fathom. things continue to get worse no matter what i try. what is the use of living a life that always gets worse?

[I_Am_Me]

I've felt this so many times. I was pregnant and felt like this, overdosed on contraceptives and diazepam, causing me to self-abort the pregnancy. I too have done so many things I regret, because of this disease. I am much, much younger than you, and no doubt have seen alot less than you have. But I can understand how this feels, because my brain talks to me like this too. From what you've said, your a lovely person, and you DO NOT NEED TO DIE. Your still young too!! You have so much life ahead of you, why let the disease get the better of you and ruin it?

Why are the child support people after you? Sit down, and write a list of whom you owe money to, and when for. Then all of the money you have coming in. Then call all the helplines available, until you find somebody to help you. Mind, the mental health charity, do a hell of alot of financial support. This is one of our biggest problem areas.

Please find someone to talk to, or just post again on here, let it out. Life wont always get worse, even though sometimes it might seem it, but there's that saying 'you can only truly appreciate the peak of the mountain, after you have stood at it's feet.'

Hope your okay, hope to hear from you soon x x x

[roamer2]

i applied for disability feb 08. the last time i was capable of work because of multiple physical injuries was 12/07. i have no income and everything i owned is gone. theres nothing i can do because im waiting on treatment for my problems i cant work and hve tried to work with the support division but the constant reply i get is " thats not our problem just pay " i payed it until i was not capable. they have allowed nothing to improve because im traped. i cant afford a lawyer so they do what they want. the only reason im not in prison is because if i go my disability case ends and my disability lawyer wants paid so that litterly saved me.. the past few years have been just like this in most aspects of my life. more bad news to the caliber of prison pushes my depression to the most extreme lows.. i know i cant take more things like that. there has been to much.