Autumn Rain Posted October 4, 2009 Report Share Posted October 4, 2009 I just found out (maybe) the real root of my bullying incidentsIs it possible that a person shaped by several unrelated events and the result is a personality that attract bullies?In the past, I thought everything starts from the moment in my 7th grade when a group of girls picking on me.But tonight I found out a shocking development that makes me rethink the whole thing over.Everything (maybe) starts from within my own circle of family, and the truth really hurts. I don't know if I can cope with this.......I never realize this before but can someone tell me please if this is for the best for me to cut over my own family? And by family here I meant it as more than one person, and I don't want to make my mother and father sad if they realize their children have a fight but I couldn't take this anymore.The thing is, my father and mother's marriage is not something accepted by my father's siblings. And his siblings hate my mother with all of their passions and heart of hearts, and finally their hatred also put my mother's children on the same page with my mother. I find it extremely childish and hurting, why? Why they're so childish and stupid, they hate me and my brothers simply because we are our mother's children?My whole childhood, my whole extended families are crazy with a lot of events coming from the fact that they hate my mother.As my mother bore children, and several of my father's siblings also bore their own children, the hatred circle started. They raised their own children to be their accomplice in the hatred group. Or maybe it's a cult that exist only within family, wow they establish an elite cult that no outsider shall ever able to join, impressive. It's them against my mother (and her children). My paternal cousins, all of them, are taught since childhood to hate my mother and her children. They're taught to always be in competition with my mother's children, and the end result is a set of cousins who never think of me and my brothers as cousins in the real term. I mean, sure they are aware that we're cousins by blood, but because they're groomed in that certain way, it ends up clear as a day that my father's children will never be on the same page with his siblings' children.But it's not just our cousins. I mean, these elders also hate, and they're quite childish in their way to show this hatred. I imagine, it must be hard for them to love me and my brothers simply because we are the bloodline of the woman they hate. But the ugly truth is, they are still valuing male more than female thanks to their old way of thinking.Male offsprings, however difficult for them to love, is still "more acceptable" than female offsprings.So the worst situation is reserved just for me, the only female offspring of that villain woman (AKA my mother).My brothers share the same sin with me on the fact that they're my mother's children, but they're males and they can be considered family name-bearers too no matter what happens. I, on the other hand, not only I carry the "original sin", I also carry the additional sin of being a female. A female who if she marries, she won't be family name bearer,so she has double sins here.My whole life, I have to deal with this hatred. Eventhough recently they start to warming up to my brothers, they still treat me the same way they treat my mother. Ofcourse, because I am my mother's only daughter. When they start to smile for my brothers and start to warm up to them, I still casted asside like usual. Or maybe I just started notice this, that although they're hating my brothers all these times, it's not on the same level of hatred they show to my mother and me.Once when I was a toddler, one of the aunties tried to brainwash me and my little brother to hate my mother (by claiming she loves my bigbro more, that bigbro is her favorite). Well, there's no point in denying the truth, it's true that my mother's golden child is my bigbro, everyone including friends and family friends know. But then again, it's humane for parents to have favorite right, so the real crime here is the part of the brainwashing attempt.What kind of auntie is this, trying to brainwash her own niece and nephew to hate their mother?But that's not all.In my case, I spent my entire childhood listening to them telling their family friends who come by to the grandparents' home(both are dead long before I'm borned) that I am the most stupid kid out of my father's three children. I struggle alot with this......and there is nothing more sad in my childhood than a bad grade, and the hard truth is the fact that my grade really the lowest among us three. But then again, my bullying incidents started repeatedly during my school years when grade suddenly important for future education, so I have more weight put upon my shoulder. Not only about grade, I also have bully problems to think about. My parents try their best to help me cope, but they're busy and most of the time, I remember spending my school years feeling so lonely and all by myself.That as a girl, comparing to all of my female cousins I am also the ugliest, the fattest, the most unwomanly. That my name is used alot by whores (this is one uncle's wordings, that my name is common for whores, especially high-class whores. He stated it when I was just a child maybe 7 or 8, and he even laughed after saying it) and when I was a teen and told my father, my father confronted him and he denied ever said it. But if nobody ever said about it, then how comes I have memory from my childhood days when I look at my name and hate it with every shred of me and wish I have other kind of name?And many many more I don't know, maybe I bury a lot and make myself forget those things.And I have a paternal auntie, she is famous in our town as the real wicked witchess. It's embarassing but it's the truth, she is one of those people that makes you question the notion that "everyone is good person in their heart" that Anne Frank stated. She can damage your self-worth if she starts to speak and target you, let alone if you're her family. No wonder everyone in my paternal family consider her to be the family's black sheep, one of the top in the Things That Shame Our Family booklet (I wonder if my mother and her children also up there somewhere). She never get married, and end up having to depend on my father's charity for her whole lifetime. Also one of the top embarrasment for the whole family. What can I say, they're old generation after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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