Help?

[Girl1983]

I’m tired, so tired I really want to just give up. To be honest I’ve not been doing to badly on the sleep front. I got almost 6 hours last night and about 8h the 2 nights previously. The week before I was getting less sleep, but then again I didn’t feel as tired as I do now.

I don’t think I’m tired just because I didn’t sleep enough. I find it difficult to say some things, mostly because I’m ashamed and I don’t want people to see the horror that I am. But I don’t know what to do.

I’m going to try and be honest, and really blunt. I haven’t had sex, ever. I’m in my mid 20’s and I know this isn’t usual. I haven’t had a relationship ever either, and it’s not that I don’t like men, it’s just that I put up a wall. I don’t let people in, don’t let them get to know me. It’s subconscious and conscious, because I really don’t want to be alone, but when I’m talking to someone and they flirt or there is any reference to us being more than friends I get separate. A part of me steps back and views the conversation without taking part, cold and emotionally distant. I feel uncomfortable and want to escape. I don’t have any close friends for the same reason.

I’m overweight, this is a fact, but for as long as I can remember I always thought I was fat, well before I began putting on weight at 13 or 14. I’ve seen the pictures of me at primary school and I was skinny and yet even then I was convinced I was fat. I also felt that most of the class didn’t like me, I had a handful of friends those were generally also looked down upon by the rest of the class, or at least that’s how I saw it. I felt distanced from them all back then.

There’s something wrong with me but I don’t know what it is. All my sexual fantasies centre around the same thing. Being sexually abused as a child. I don’t have any memories of anything like that happening to me when I was a child but my memories from before I was 7 seem vague and I don’t recall that much, although I do have the odd very sharp memory.

My parents are still married after nearly 30 years of being a dysfunctional family, my sibling and I were submitted to emotional, verbal and physical abuse by both parents, we were not beaten but great fear was instilled into us both. I tried to get help through my national healthcare service, but that proved useless. I get anxious and jump for stupid reasons, I get tense when I hear footsteps and I can’t see who’s approaching, and doors closing make me jump. Last night I turned the lights off to go to bed but couldn’t walk too close to the bed because, although I know it’s irrational, I was scared about something grabbing me from under the bed. So I did what I’ve done for too many years, jumped onto the bed from a distance.

What do I do now? What kind of help should I be looking for, because I know I’m screwed up and I’m fed up with it all.

(wasn't sure where to put this)

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Girl1983,

OKay, it is possible that you could be suffering from two things: 1. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the emotional and physical abuse that you experienced from your parents when you were a child. The abuse does not have to have been sexual in nature so do not worry about that. 1. You could also be suffering from Depression.

However, I cannot make a diagnosis from afar like this. All I can say is, "it sounds like it might be..." You need to be seen by a psychologist or clinical social worker and by a psychiatrist to be properly diagnosed and treated.

How to do this?

Many hospitals have psychiatric oupatient clinics that provide psychiatric services to the community. There are also some non profit agencies that do the same, such as Catholic Charities, and you do not have to be Catholic. The Salvation Army might provide this service, too. You need to do an Internet search for your community.

Now, here is the thing: Either the hospital outpatiend psychiatric department or the not for profit agency can help you apply for Medicaid services or for temporary Disability: SSD, and that would pay for your psychotherapy. This is done all the time. Also, many of these agencies will either charge you just a few dollars until you get medicaid or medicare or will see you and wait until these take over.

What do you think about this?

[Girl1983]

I think it's probally good advice. But I'm not in the US, I'm in england.

i have had couniloring through the national health service but once that ran it's course I was basically told that there is a huge waiting list for that kind of help and only the people who can't cope receive it. Implying without too much subtly to my mind, I can cope so shut up and deal with it.

Actually I may have twisted that slightly and reiterated it slightly more negativly than I should. However, I took your advice and looked at the free/charity help avalible in the UK & my area and it all pretty much seemed usless. Their assistance seemed to be for people who had got to the point where their life had stopped.

Mines still going, I'm just still sinking. I think the only way to get referals is through your doctor and I don't qualify.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Girl1983,

You may be minimizing the amount of trouble you are in when you speak to these people. You stated that you "are so tired that you just want to give up." That sounds extremely serious to me and gets very close to suicidal thinking. I believe that it's important that you let the relevant people know this when you speak to them. You should be at the top of the list.

In the UK there are many mental help services available. Are you sure you are exploring all of them?

Allan:(

[Girl1983]

I don't like relying on anyone but me. I don't trust anyone , well I do but I limit my expectations, I figure most people have an unterior motive for anything, infact probally everyone does.

I'm not sure I've explored all the avalible options no, but appart form the charity stuff the only way to get free help is through a GP and then onwards, referals etc. I've been to the GP once and got a referal but I was scaring myself, I was having suicidal thoughts. I'm not there at the moment, I hope I dont reach that point again. I don't like talking, explaining, I'd much rather sit in silence and ask a question when I dont understand than have to try to explain how I feel.

I do feel like giving up, giving up interacting, just crawl into bed and stay there. But it's not an option that I am going to take at the moment, because I cant afford to do that and I dont want to disapoint other people.

Not intentionally anyway. So I'm trying to cope on my own, but I'm getting fustrated, the jumpiness is, well it makes me angrey at myself and then I feel overly emotional, and before I wasnt very emotional. I seem to alternate between feeling empty and feeling incredibly sad, isolated and just generally depressed.

A friend of mine kept insisting I read a book called Toxic Parents, I read it, insightful I guess. I 'm floundering.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi,

I am not surprised to read that it is difficult for you to trust others. In fact, it makes me wonder just how bad the abuse was while you were growing up. What I mean is that I sense it was a lot worse than you have written about so far.

Reading books like Toxic Parents is a good thing but, without psychotherapy, it will be of limited benefit.

You are in a difficult situation: It is hard for you to trust others and, yet, you need the help of others (mental health experts) in order to recover.

I know that you have been hurt. However, we human beings are social in nature and were not meant to be isolated. We all need one another and we feel better when we are relating to each other. You have to find enough strength within your self to go and get help, using what little trust you have to move towards full recovery.

Whether it's through charity or through your Medical Doctor, what about taking the first real step towards help??

Allan:)

[SuziQ]

I looked up some places that might help. Samaritans 0845 790 90 90.

Saneline 0845 767 8000. This line is open noon to 2am. You might look on mentalhealthcare.org.uk.

It sounds as if you have some real fear of closeness. I have a lot of that too. I fake it pretty well and am very old---and still have no real info on why. I think my weight is related to my fear. I was slender until I got in my early teens. Having help made it easier for me. I hope one of those numbers can get some help for you. A lot of my fears have subsided over the years, but I am still not great with physical closeness and tire when I have to be in close contact with one person too long. I still sleep in clothes rather than nightclothes. I used to sleep on the couch so I would have my back against something, but I don't anymore. I send you my love---and since it is from a distance---it is safe to accept it.

SuziQ

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi SuziQ and Girl1983,

Girl1983, I hope you have read what SuziQ posted to you because I think it's right on target.

SuziQ, terrific and great.

Can you each talk about the fear of closeness and why it might be a problem?

Allan

[Girl1983]

Thank you. I had a look at the website, I guess I still need to go back to the Dr and go from there.

I don't know if it is closeness as such thats affecting me. Feel like I'm comming and going from different angles.

I see my situation as a problem, because it is affecting my life too much. I like solving problems and thats how I have been looking at myself, as a problem I need to solve. Usually if I can't solve a problem I'll work around it, but thats not possible.

SuziQ mentioned sleeping with her back against the sofa. I know that feeling. But I do other quirky things that I can't explain. Quite often I will not be able to relax and will have to sleep on my back, that way I can see anything comming. The other quirks with I have from time to time (2-3 times a week) is to do with my wrists. Either I have to have the underside of my wrists pointing in against my body or under the pillow towards my body or into the matrise. (I used to do the wrist thing when i was a teen but stopped doing it when I went away to university, since I have been back (4 years), I've been doing it again).

Whilst I might feel hot and want to throw my arms over my head I cannot sleep this way, it's too exposed. I tuck the bottom of my covers under my feet so nothing will grab them and as I stated before, sometimes I can't get near the bed because I'm worried something under it will grab an ankle.

I can see how my growing up in my family could have contributed to being jumpy and to finding it difficult to trust. Both my parents have at various times gone from being nice affectionate and rational to angrey and abusive in a matter of seconds. But that doesnt expalin the other stuff.

I am an emotional person but somehow I've switched off. If I see a female friend crying I don't know what to say or do and usually call someone else to deal with it. The only people I am truly comfortable sharing that kind of closeness with is my sister and young children - they are non threatening.

My parents hug me but I feel like im faking it. Even when I was a child and my mother would sob and tell me how horrible my dad was to her my responses were automated. Felt robotic. I would hug her tell her it would be okay etc etc. Like I was just going through the motions.

I have been very depressed, I'm honestly not sure if I wasnt depressed when I was a child and just able to hide it from myself better. I am coping, I'm not on the verge of suicide, I havent even si very much recently. I am coping but if I allow my life to continue as it is right now, I will always be depressed and i will be alone.

"In fact, it makes me wonder just how bad the abuse was while you were growing up. What I mean is that I sense it was a lot worse than you have written about so far."

I dont think it was that bad. I feel like I'm over reacting, like i should get a grip and just get on with it. My parents are the way they are because of their own childhoods. I understand where they were comming from in some respects but that doesnt make it right or all better.

I am the edest of 2 children, both girls. We are of mixed heritage, my mother is white english and my dad is mixed 3/4 Indian (india) & white. My dad came over from india when he was 5, he was the eldest of 5 siblings. Both his parents only spoke English and are Catholic. When he arrived in the UK his family were very poor and remained so for a long time.

My mother is white English and the eldest of 5 siblings also. Both my parents families ended up divorced before they were adults. My dad from the age of 10 looked after his younger siblings. My mother's father was physically and emotionally abusive, he left her home when she was 15.

Throughout my life my parents have been very controling, have pushed me to achieve accademically, however, both my sister and I are dyslexic. So although I have impoved greatly and my dyslexicia doesnt really cause any problems, when I was at school I was a C grade student. this would ahve been fine in another school, but my parents had sent myself and my sister through private education.

My sister and i spent more time at school than we did at home. We were there 12h a day Moday thru Friday and 4.5h on saturdays. Although our home life wasnt perfect, needless to say this felt like abandonment.

The majority of the phsical violence has been directed at my mother by my father. The verbal abuse, belittling comments and outright verbal attacks were mostly aimed at my sister and myself. I think was because my mother seemed too easy a target. She would start to cry straight away and he would walk off discusted.

Before I went to university I was a very light sleeper. So irrespective of the time I would be the one who would comfort my mother after each and every fight. There were signs that our family was dysfunctional that I can now see but at the time I didnt connect.

My younger sister used to wet the bed until she was 9. It was only when she was alseep, for some strange reason she would manage to ignore her body's message that she needed the bathroom. We had to go to social services to get this sorted but I think it was assumed that this was just late development.

When my sister went away to university she began to have seziures. The doctors said these were caused by stress and were not a physical ailment. Perhaps another sign?

In anycase, I cant see how being scared there is something under my bed is connected, or how my issue with my wrists is connected. It makes me wonder if maybe I'm ill in some other way. :/

[SuziQ]

I looked on the website I sent. I had no idea that mental health care is so hard to get under your system. Here, we just call and go into mental health. What is the carers system?

My remarks about closeness came from your first post about having no male friend or girl friend. I am far more concerned about that than I am about your jumping into bed because you are afraid. I think many women have fear that they will be attacked and have little rituals that make them feel more secure. Unexpected abuse as a child does make one jumpy. My mom got mad when she got mad and we never knew when that would happen or how we might prevent it or how to prevent being hit. My brother did not speak to her the last 17 years of her life. I cared for her as her mind slowly slipped away and found a forgiveness I did not expect. She became my pitiful child and lost all her power to frighten me. My parents were divorced when I was 10 and when I was twelve my father grabbed my breast as he hugged me and I chose never to be alone with him again. My aunt told me it was not intentional, but I kept my distance anyway. I only lived with mom one year after I was 10 and with my dad not at all. I think I felt sort of relieved instead of upset.

It is hard from such a distance to help. I wish you were closer. There are several things--you will need to talk to get the help you want and need. You are not the problem--you are a young woman who has some problems.

When you talk to your GP, you might want to focus on your inability to get close to people and your loneliness and pain in that area. You deserve a good life ---go for help and insist on help so you can have a good life. My love and good thoughts across the ocean to you.

SuziQ

[SuziQ]

Hi

You might want to read Kalima's post. Her story is very similar to yours. She has managed to get some help in UK.

[qtzdue]

Have you ever held a door open for a senior couple? What motivated that. You have to know that some people stand in and help because they have been helped so it is not a debt to be paid it is pure giving from the heart and everything can be seen in this simplest form. It is giving a dollar to the childrens hospital the motive is change a better out comes for any child or family. What would you get from that? It should be the same as if you gave one milllion dollars. So, yes their is always motive in doing anything and asking the person who is trying to help will be enough to let you know. You have a golden oppertunity in front of you all it takes is determination and just by the actions you have taken already it shows your strength and courage. Now you just need to trust yourself to know.

[paula]

Hi all

I understand perfectly where girl 1983 is coming from

Regarding our Mental Health Service, I remember writing a post for Natalie once describing the way our N.H.S works.

I explained that in deed you have to be literally on deaths door to get any form of mental help. Again, you do have to be referred by your G.P or infact be suicidal to get/recieve Psychiatric help. And then there are means test.

I find you lose all your pride on becoming mentally unstable. Well I did anyway! There is no way you can keep it a secret. You only have to go to ur docs for something completely separate and its there on your records. If you go for certain jobs its there on your records so you've nowt down of keeping it a secret?

Good luck girl 1983