Malice and unexeptence

[Ob1one]

I actually have two questions.

First of all I have a problem with myself in a way. I have the desire to hurt people badly when I know I shouldn't. I get this evil feeling come over me and it feels great although I know its wrong. I also get this focused intention on hurting someone though I can control myself. What I'm really concerned about is if someone pushes me too far and I go into a rampage. I know the consequences thats why I resist the feeling though like I said I'm worried if I lose control. What should I do.

Second is also one of the reasons that gives me this malice is that no one understands me in the slightest, I am but an enigma to them. They don't Understand me because I think differently from a normal person which I prefer.I guess you could call me wise which people don't understand. When someone says they cut themselves and want someone to talk to a lot of people I know would forsake this person and label him a freak or emo, I think why does he cut, how can I help, should I help or will I make it worse, Am I a suitable person to give advice or should I just let him vent. And I say this very generally to what my experience with people has been.

I think of a million reasons to do something and if I find it logical to do it I do it. For example I practice iron fist which is a kung fu hand conditioning training. If I hit something many times my hand will get calised and will make me a better fighter. What people see is a freak punching something that hurts himself for no reason, even when I tell them a reason they still don't understand. (sorry for making this thing so long to read). Generally people think of me as a freak and forsake me from society, some people wont even talk to me just because they think of me as weird.(yes they aren't scared of me, I can see it on their faces and eyes what they think of me, you know what they say you can see a persons soul through their eyes). I don't want to fit in with their society if I have to change because I see this as giving up who I am and I'd rather die then change so some fools will accept me, I want them to accept me and find out they're find me a great guy to be with if they accept me and find out who I really am. I really need advice on how to deal with the emotions that this generates which is malice, anger, and depression and also how to help people see who I really am instead of them just forsaking me.

[jannew]

Hi there,

I read all you wrote really carefully. Once or twice in my life someone I consider intelligent and genuine has taken the trouble to love and understand me and that's been amazing. But a lot of people are shallow and judgemental. Just look at the way they're fooled by advertising and celebrities' behaviour and tastes... I think a lot of people have the potential to be cruel and bully others, be destructive as you describe. When I get that urge, I usually just think of the consequences for that person. They will get hurt. Also for myself. I know I have a strong conscience and it will gnaw away at me afterwards. My conscience is stronger at times, weaker at times. I have to watch myself when it's weak. It's best to keep away from people who irritate or anger me when I'm feeling volatile. I value my freedom and my rights - why should I value someone else's any less? We all have equal reality, equal rights.

Hope that helps. All the best (sorry for the cliches),

Jannew

[Anonnymous]

why is it so important that people understand you? How does their not understanding you make you angry or think devilish thoughts? Its normal to have angry feelings from time to time but most people get over it fairly quickly. Why do you cling to your anger? If you don't mind, lets talk about your anger a little more.

[Mark]

I have the desire to hurt people badly when I know I shouldn't. I get this evil feeling come over me and it feels great although I know its wrong. I also get this focused intention on hurting someone though I can control myself. What I'm really concerned about is if someone pushes me too far and I go into a rampage. I know the consequences thats why I resist the feeling though like I said I'm worried if I lose control. What should I do.

Anonnymous (below) thinks we should focus on the source of the anger, and I agree that could be useful to you. You seem not so aware about why you are angry, except to say stuff like

I don't want to fit in with their society if I have to change because I see this as giving up who I am and I'd rather die then change so some fools will accept me, I want them to accept me and find out they're find me a great guy

which makes it sound as though you are both lonely and angry. Its not clear whether you want an adoring audience (in the fashion of a person with narcissistic issues) or whether you'd like actual friendships.

It's not clear at all why feeling lonely would lead to such feelings of rage as you describe, however.

You say that you are concerned that someone might push you too far, but the overall thrust of your communication seems more like you want someone to push you too far. You are hungry for an excuse to attack someone. and, if this is true, you aren't aware that this is the case. You are working on making yourself into a weapon with your iron fist, but out of the ohter side of your mouth you say that you are concerned that the weapon might go off. These are two inconsistent positions to hold which is where I'm getting the idea that you secretly desire to be triggered. If you are truly concerned about your potential for violence, then one reasonable thing to do is to stop working on ways to make yourself into a weapon.

Why is it important to be a weapon? Why is it important to be so hard; so capable of inflicting pain on someone else? Do you feel so fundamentally un-powerful that the only way you can have some self-esteem is to show another person that you are more powerful than her?

You are too young now (you're 13, right?) to understand this yet, but no matter how bad-ass you make yourself, the society around you is going to be several orders of bad-ass more than you. If you see violence as a way to achieve your goals, the likely outcome is that you will end up doing time in jail.

Anger will not solve your fundamental desire for acceptance. You fundamentally cannot get people to like you if they fear you. People doing what you want becuase they fear you is not the same thing as people liking to be with you.

[kaudio]

Hi ob1one, I agree with what's already been said here. I myself once had strong feelings to reject some of the views of other social groups, but not to the extent of using violence as a means to do so. One of the reasons why I thought this way is because people are all born and belong to a family or community of some sort. As the family is a social structure, each of us forms a small part of society. By simply being yourself and following your own interests, you contribute to that social system.

There is no such thing as a monster - a human who can exist independent of society. The moment you are born is the moment you are inexorably joined to everyone else. Thus, many of the people around me of whom I respect denounce the use of violence save for defending oneself from harm. Even when violence can be justified for the purposes of self-defence, the act is still seen as failure because the circumstances were allowed to develop to such an extent.

That said, I suppose my point is that the issue is not about conformity or acceptance, but a willingness to work with others. You don't have to change to be a part of society. You are a part of society the moment you were born and a mere individual or group of individuals cannot reject you from society by calling you names and being unfriendly. On the other hand, even if you feel you do not wish to have anything to do with society, the only freedom you do not have is the choice not to participate. You are a part of your family, your community, and the greater society, whether you wish to be or not. When people label you - be it as an emo, a freak, or whatever - that's their business. If that is how they want to behave and how they want to see and treat other people, let them be. They have no choice but to accept you in the same sense that you have no choice but to accept them. However, only you have the power to control how your behaviour and how you view the world.

So, to me, control is all about choice and commitment. You choose certain social values to abide by that you think will make you happy and you commit yourself to them each and every day. But, by commitment, I mean when you wake up each day you think of nothing else. When you eat, when you sleep, think of your answers to this question: I will let myself do anything I want BUT.... What? I have to do my best? I cannot use violence for my own sake? I cannot bully or tease others? Your answers to this question and your commitment to them will determine your playbook. Should you find yourself in a difficult position, your playbook will guide you.

Also, Mark raises good points about making yourself into a weapon. Society will impose a higher standard upon you and your conduct. The onus is on you to create and stand by your own standard that either matches or exceeds the one imposed upon you.

[Anonnymous]

Obe1one,

Here is a man that lived and saw what violence can do to people and a nation. Anger and hatred are not what gets people to accept you but standing up for people less able to stand up for themselves, standing up for yourself and doing whats right and just can get you the admiration you seem to desire but the price one has to pay is mighty high. Please, take the time to view this link and try to envision a world without violence and you will see how far we have to go to get to that world.