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My long story of abuse - PART 3 **TW**


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****Parts of this story could be triggering, please be careful****

She was 22 at the time and I was 12, almost 13, when it began.

I didn't think anything about it was wrong. I thought that because I liked it and she liked it, it was ok.

After that my friend and i began meeting her during lunch break at school. She would give us alcohol and pills sometimes. I can remember going back to class and being drunk or high and nothing was ever said to me. I can remember sitting in math class one day and i was still feeling the effects of the pill i had been given at lunch. The teacher asked me a question and i had no idea what had been asked or what the answer should be. One of the boys behind me whispered "the answer is 57", so that is what i said. It was only when everyone in the class laughed that i realised that the other boy had told me the wrong answer on purpose. I was so out of it and yet the teacher didn't even say anything to me except to scold me for not paying attention.

The times spent with Sarah became all i ever thought of. Our sexual encounters became more frequent and more adventurous. Sometimes both my friend and i would be together with her, sometimes she just wanted us to do things to each other. She told us that she loved us and i really loved her. I wanted to be with her all the time and would do anything for her.

Near the end of the school year my friend came to me and told me that he was going to tell someone what was going on. I begged him not to. I didn't want it to stop. I couldn't imagine going back to the way things had been for me. I didn't want to lose her. What I didn't know was that he was being made to do much worse things than i was. He was much stronger than me so she had him doing other things with Sarah and her "friends". I never found out about that side of things until after he died.

Things continued with Sarah when I moved into highschool. My friend and I had continued our contact with Sarah in the summer before highschool and she began asking me to do some of the things my friend was also doing with her friends.

The night of the first highschool dance I told my parents i was going to it but instead i met Sarah in the school parking lot. We drove across town and picked up my friend. We were taken to a party where we were shared amongst Sarah's friends. We were made to do things with whoever wanted us. At the end of the night, Sarah drove me back to my school and I waited for my mother to pick me up like I had been at the dance the whole time.

Sarah would wait for me when I got out of school for the day and we would hang out. Sometimes she would wait for me on my street and pick me up after school. This was just normal for me.

At the end of my first year of highschool we moved into the summer and things got more uncomfortable for us with Sarah. I didn't like what she would make me do but i still thought she loved me and i loved her so i just did it.

My friend was struggling. We argued because he wanted out and wanted to tell. I begged him not to.

He wanted to tell someone and i didn't want him to and we argued about it several times but we both kept doing whatever she wanted us to do.

We both made it through the next year and my friend would come to me from time to time and tell me he didn't want this anymore. I just couldn't give up this relationship, no matter how bad it got. I loved her too much.

My friend died that summer, between grades ten and eleven, July 28, 1989. He died in a house fire. He was sleeping downstairs on the sofa in the livingroom and the fire broke out on the same floor. He was last seen at an upstairs window by neighbours but he never came out.

I have always believed that he didn't want out. He didn't want out because he was so desperate for things to stop. I kept talking him into continuing. I kept talking him into more abuse from Sarah. I have always blamed myself for his death. There aren't many days that I don't think of him still. it's been twenty years and I still blame myself and I miss him everyday.

After he died, Sarah became more demanding of me. I got a real taste of the things that Sarah made him do.

I still thought i loved her so i did anything she wanted. Anything.

When I was sixteen, Sarah told me that she was pregnant and that I was the father. I was scared but she seemed really excited about it and said she wanted to keep it. I was working part time but making ok money so I thought it would be okay, that I could still work and help pay for everything. Sarah wasn't satisfied with that so she began making money by selling me to her 'friends'. I hated it but really didn't think i was worth much anyways so i did it for her.

One day i couldn't meet Sarah where she wanted me to. I had to be with my family. SHe stopped talking to me for a little while and I missed her everyday.

When she finally did begin talking to me she told me that because I had let her down, she decided to get rid of the baby. She said that it was my fault because she did it. I was crushed. I mean, I know now that it would have been hard but i was sure at the time that I would have been a great dad.

At the end of high school I left town to go to school and severed ties with Sarah. I moved to a bigger city and began school at the age of seventeen.

Money was tight but i decided to go downtown and try and get into one of the clubs for men. My fake ID got me in the door and soon enough I had a man hitting on me. I told him I was all his if he had enough money. He was the first of many such men that got me through school.

At the end of my second year of school i was raped by two men in the locker room on campus. Thinking about this doesn't really hurt as much as it used to. It didn't really bother me at the time, it just re-enforced the fact that i was lower than dirt.

My last year of school was much the same as the first two except i began working a legitimate job.

Between the drinking and drugs i made it through school and i even got a full time job in the field i had studied.

I owe a lot to my second boss. He helped me get cleaned up and focus on my job. I got off the drugs and with the help of my boss got into my first condo by the time i was twenty-four.

I started struggling again around the age of twenty-six. I got fired from my job and sold my condo.

I stayed unemployed for almost two years and lived off the proceeds of my condo sale.

I have been working off and on since then. I struggled with the feeling that the end of my life was just around the corner. I still think the worst is going to happen no matter what. I drive over the same bridge everyday on my way to work and every time i drive across it i always think and hope for it to collapse into the river below.

I moved back to the city i grew up in a few years ago. Everything had been going okay until early this year.

I got up one morning to find a greeting card had been slipped under my door. When I opened it I found pictures of me and my friend that Sarah had taken all those years ago. She had also included some naked pictures of herself and a she asked if i missed her because she has missed me.

I'm not sure how or why, but she has found me again and has been blackmailing me into being with her again.

I have been giving in to her but i have also tried severing the ties with her again. It has worked for short times on two occasions but she is now back in my life.

My Doctor knows about her and has been trying to help me get away from her.

Things are pretty rough right now. My memories are bothering me and im really hating myself and my life.

Anyways, I know that was long. If you've made it this far, thank-you.

I am a member of a support site for survivors for rape and sexual abuse and i find it has helped me.

I also find that im looking for answers about my own thoughts and mental state so hopefully now that i'm here i can benefit from the insight shared here.

thanks for reading,


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