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In need of understanding...


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I have spent today locked up in my own head. On one level, I know that my raging hormones are attacking my more rational self and somehow allowing me to create part of the problems I feel i have. The thing is though, I the things that bother me today are just more naked than usual. Maybe I would be crying more often if I hadn't taught myself so well to ignore my less desireable emotions.

To be less cryptic I think my problems are as follows - First of all, I have spent almost 2 years hoping to get pregnant and start a family with my husband. He always said he wanted to finish his master's degree before we started "trying" I had to push for a sooner timeline. I know that a majority of the conflict we have over this is my doing. I should have respected his timeline more. He will finally be done with school in may of this year. The thing is though, we hardly ever have sex. I am only 31 and I have a completely irrational fear that I will never have my own biological children. So many of my friends have gone through difficulties, and I don't want to be another one of those women who have to try so hard. (I'm sure they didn't either).

Compounding the problem of my fear and my husbands leukwarm feelings toward "trying" to conceive(he says he just wants nature to take its course) is any additional effort on my part even in a no-pressure way -ie initiating sex more often - is met one of two ways -- he either shoots me down entirely for whatever reason - bad day at work, too tired, still working from home, etc OR, more than half the time we do have sex, he can't climax which does nothing to improve his desire to have sex more often.

I am reaching my wits end on this topic. Everytime we discuss just being intimate more and trying to create an environment where we have more sex I feel great about his willingness to try, but it ends up in the same place everytime. I am frustrated and he either won't talk about it, or honestly doesn't see it as a problem.

My friends I'm sure are sick of hearing about all this, and I really just want the opinion of a third party. I tried counseling for myself last year, but quite honestly after 6 weeks the person I was seeing seemed disinterested and frustrated with me and I decided to stop going.

SO, if you were brave enough to read my whole post I would appreciate some constructive advice or anything else anyone has to say to help me get off this emotional merry go round.

thanks. jm

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Guest ASchwartz

I am sorry that you believe it takes courage and bravery to both read and respond to your plea for support and advice. You have been open and honest about your problems and I do not fully understand why your friends seem to lose patience with you.

What strikes me most about the situation you describe is your husband's difficulty in completing the sexual act with you. In other words, it is not just that he does not want sex but when the two of you are intimate, he fails to ejaculate, if I understand correctly. That is a serious problem because not only do you need to have intercourse to get pregnant but he needs to ejaculate to make pregnancy possible.

I have no idea why he is having a problem. I tend to think that problems in your relationship are a lot more serious than you describe or than he has let you know. What do the rest of you think?


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What I'm hearing is that you've had experience with infertility through friends and this has terrified you. You're wanting to really hit the project of getting pregnant with a systematic attack as a reaction to this fear, but your husband is not cooperating with you. Why, I can't say.

At age 31 you are not yet in the danger zone for an inability to conceive. For most women that doesn't really start to kick in until about 35, but really you don't have time to waste. Especially so if you want to have more than one child. The conventional medical definition for infertility (at any age) is no success after one year of regular trying. If you are older (which you are not yet) then the cutoff point is six months. At that point it is a good idea to start working with a fertility clinic so as to raise up your chances of conceiving. Fertility procedures can get very expensive, but the simplest stuff is not so bad. They can teach you how to time your cycle so as to be able to have intercourse during the time you are most fertile. They can do artificial insemination at the best moment to help raise up the chances, etc. You may want to read more about this stuff in our Infertility topic center.

There is some sort of problem between you and your husband if he is not taking your fears seriously. My thought is that all the infertility treatment in the world won't do a whit of good if you and your husband are not on the same wavelength with regard to wanting to have a family. he may be ambivalent about wanting a kid for instance, and not really having thought it through (or simply not able to tell you directly). It would be really good perhaps to have a heart to heart with him and try to talk about what each of your goals are with regard to children. Because you clearly want them and he seems more like he could take it or leave it. And you don't have a lot of time to waste with him if he is going to not take it seriously. That's not a reflection on whether he is a good man or not, but if you end up really wanting kids and he doesn't or can't commit to it, then you have a more pressing dilemna than getting pregnant. You have to decide whether to stay in the relationship if that means possibly never having children.

Don't mean this to be a bummer, but realistically, you are on a timer and this is something to take seriously. This has to resolve in the next 5-6 (preferably 3-4) years or it will get increasingly difficult to make it ever happen. Hope this helps more than bums you out ;)


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  • 3 weeks later...

My own personal experience is what I am gong on. Your husband has only a little bit of time to go to finish with his goal, give this to him and support him- be excited for him! Then work on repairing the love between the two of you. You can become a source of stress- kind of like a dog with a favorite bone - yopu want what YOU want NOW! that can be stressful on a man when he is focused on fishing what he started on years ago.

AS for you are becoming pregnant if you are stressing and worrying about it this can cause you NOT to be pregnant. Anyone I have told to chill and love your mate instead, has become pregnant when life became happy again for both of you.

Just as personal note I had my first child at 31 my second at 33. Then after divorce and then found a wonderful mate- who by the way was fixed in his 20's and is now a father at 47- no he did not have it reversed! At 39 I had my third child. she is now 2 and life is as it needs to be. The plans happen when our focus is on making those in our hearts happy. Our desire have to focus on thing that are not on the selfish nature and thing just work out.

Go and be the happy supporter that you were before you focused on becoming pregnant. life has a great way of giving to those that give!

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  • 2 weeks later...

JM, it sounds like you already know your spending way too much time in your head with your thoughts. What about taking a mental vacation? One idea that comes to mind is to take a few moments or as long as you like and breath, focus on your breath, asking yourself what it feels like, breath some more and ask yourself what it sounds like to breath in and out, listen, then ask yourself what it smells like to breath the air in. Your breathing is the difference between life and death. Let your mind wonder to what it is about your life you are grateful for. Ahhh...a few more breaths and just relax for a few moment in your vacation from the mind chatter.

In this moment what is really important for you?

In this moment which by the way is all you have, how do you want to show up and be?

Much love and light to you!


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