My Pop is dying - how others project a way for me to deal with it.

[seaj]

My Pop (mother's father) was taken to hospital for a suspected urinary tract infection about a fortnight ago and instead they found cancer in his lungs (an aggressive tumour) and a cancerous tumour on his kidney. He went downhill from when I first saw him in hospital, to about four days later, really fast. I didn't see him much for the first week as I had a bacterial chest infection. My doctor told me though not to worry, just to go see him when I wanted/could, that I wasn't going to make him any more unwell.

I spent yesterday evening with him (with my Nan - she goes every day). Fed him a little, did other things, put some photos up around his room for my family to feel like they're there when they aren't and for him to have the people of his life around him in images (should he have any moments of lucidity) and helped my Nan start to accept that the Pop we know and love is already gone and the person laying there in pain will soon be gone too.

I've accepted that. I've accepted I never got to say anything to him before he shifted to 'dying', to say goodbye or anything like that and now he's not mentally able to follow anything. But that would only serve me, not him, and I really only want him to know he can let go, we don't expect him to hang on in so much pain. Before he lost his mental capacities, as much as could be done that could leave him at ease about how hiw wife will be when he's gone, and his daughter and grandchildren was covered.

I have no regrets. I always told my Pop how much I loved him and what he meant to me. He's the only real father figure I've had. I cherish everything he's taught me, and in every way he's impacted me - well those are character traits about myself I never question as being positive ones. I spent time with him learning about his love (horse racing - as he was a jockey) and would make trips to a big confectionary warehouse to buy a variety of sugarfree lollies for him as he was diabetic and I didn't want him to miss out on the treats in life. I set out his weekly medications, I studied all about his meds to help him be in the least amount of pain; always trying to find new things to help him. I told him I loved him every single time I said goodbye to him in person or on the phone.

I'd drop in to see he and my Nan to have dinner with them multiple times a week (less in the last year as my brother moved in to live with them) and often rang when near their place during lunch time or breakfast to bring them meals.

I don't need to be in his room in the days leading to him dying, to prove to myself I love him. I suffer a lot of physical pain, so it's almost not possible for me to do that - not that I won't visit when I feel able. But my mother said I better visit him every day now. I feel like she (and other family members) will think I'm cold (or already do) if I don't feel the need to be there every day. Like I've never appreciated what he did for me. But I know my Pop knows I adore him whether I'm in that room or not.

I already have big expectations put on me by them for after he dies, but for now I am just grieving and that will continue and deepen I'm sure when he does die. But I definitely feel like I'm being treated like I don't care like I should, in the way I should, how much I should because I am accepting that he's going to die and the man we know is already lost to us.

Do I sound wrong? Or is what I'm doing okay? I realise those are massive questions. The only time I feel bad about how I'm coping is when someone contradicts what I'm doing or how I'm feeling and I feel like they really want to push a guilt trip on me. Any ideas on how I can stop letting them make me feel so guilty?

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go"

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[seaj]

And you know, it could also be that by focusing on the way you're handling this, it's giving them a distraction from something they want desperately to avoid. Dealing with death is something no one enjoys but like you said in that quote, it's something we have to deal with whether we like it or not. You may find that the reason others put the focus on you is because if they don't, they have to look at themselves and see that they aren't prepared; that they maybe didn't have the kind of secure relationship that you had with him; that maybe they DO have regrets and now they're transferring that to you because they can't bear to see it in themselves. I could be wrong; very often I am. Just pointing out a possibility. Very often, we tend to project onto others things about our own lives that we don't want to face.

Anyway, know that we're hear for you in this difficult time.

John

Thank you for your support.

Thank you the paragraph I quoted. I'm very aware that the people who are pushing things on me aren't prepared. It makes me sad for them, as I see them so afraid to consider losing him, to let themselves cry, the need to "hold it together" so to speak to get through to the next day. The need to spend every second they can with him. It's different to how I'm dealing with it, but I refuse to judge how they're coping as right or wrong, as it's clearly right (at this time) for them.

The main two people are my mother and oldest brother. He though, until last year, hadn't lived at home/even in the same state for 12yrs. And a lot of that time too was spent overseas working. He hasn't had the relationship and simply just the amount of time I've been blessed with having with my Pop and I think he has to go as often as he can because I think he does feel a sense of regret. I try and be here for him, 'cause I can't imagine how that must feel, except for the rare moments he bursts into uncontrollable tears and I can see his pain, but then he regathers himself so quickly, as just like my mother, he can't let himself "fall apart". But I still see his pain and fear.

They're the two who are around my Nan every day and her grief had been stifled I noticed. I was being told that she won’t deal with it, she won’t let him go and that she refuses to accept what’s happening and things like that. When I spoke with her last night, she talked to me about a lot of what she was going through with some prompting from me. Even about his funeral, how she’d like it to be. I realised then that she just needing to talk with someone who could handle speaking about the tough subjects right now. But not someone who was going to fall apart on an equal level with her, but rather a caring sounding board if that makes sense.

This morning the doctors said it will likely be a matter of days and that was hard for my Nan. She’d really hoped for longer, even though she doesn’t want to see him suffer. I just spoke on the phone with her then and discussed a few things. One being that she can buy as expensive a black dress for Pop’s funeral as she wants and she will be beautiful on the day, dressed up for him. Then I calmly spoke with her and said essentially this, “Nan just hold his hand and tell him whatever you want or need to tell him. It’s natural you don’t want to let go; you’ve been married 58yrs. But he is going to go Nan. You are a beautiful person Nan and I’m sorry you have to go through this, but know that we will all be here for you, you will not be alone; we love you so much.” And she started to get tears and a bit of a cry again. And when she does it sounds so cathartic for her.

So I understand what you said John and realise they were doing the same thing to my Nan for being the opposite of me. And it did stifle her because she's not in a frame of mind to understand why they're being hard on her. But now I can understand why they are doing that to me. I think that will help dissuade the feeling of yet another guilt trip.

Thank you again. And I'll definitely have to come back for your advise on understanding where my Mum/brother are coming from in the requests they've made of me for when Pop's gone. Again it's massive guilt trips and I don't know how to approach giving them the answer they don't want to hear - but understanding them better, may help.

** I should note, my therapist would normally be on hand to help me with any of these issues, except not only is it the weekend but she's also away till Thursday (when I see her) and then she has a short holiday coming up soon and I wanted to find somewhere I could turn for support and understanding. I think I'm going to have to be there for my mother and brothers and Nan and feel I need somewhere I can turn. This place really seems to offer that.

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[notmary]

I am sorry that you are going through this. The loss of someone so important is a horrible thing to bear. My experience with this is that you have to do what makes you the most comfortable. You can't do what others expect you to do if it won't work for you. I recently lost a dear friend. Isat with her and told her how wonderful she had been and how much she enriched my life. I had said those things before, but I hoped that maybe she could hear me and that it would bring her comfort. I will say a prayer that you will find peace...

[lacyjay87]

…I know you already know all these things God promises us, but sometimes it’s hard to see the light within the storm.

“What a wonderful God we have-He is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does He do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians1:3-4

…And this is my way of passing on to you the same help and comfort God has given me.

“To everything there is a season, a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born,

a time to die, a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal, a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Ecclesiastes3:1-4

…I know it must seem as though God has left you or abandoned you. I am sure you are only able to see one set of footprints in the sand, I bet you are thinking, “surly if God was by our side there would be two sets of footprints.” However, there is only one set of footprints because God is carrying you through this hardship and every hardship you will encounter.

“No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm-I will come to you.” John 14:18

…Try not to lean on your own understanding for there will only be confusion and pain.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:6

…let go and let God carry your sorrow for you.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.” Psalm 46:1

…God will take care of your family.

“He heals the broken heartened, binding up their wounds.” Psalms 147:3

…Your family will find comfort in the Lord Jesus Christ!

“Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

…The memory will never leave the mind, but the pain in the heart will lessen. Like an open wound you will heal, yet you will forever be reminded by the scar. I hope this letter is comfort to you in this time of sorrow. I am here for you forever and always.

“I have told you these things so that you will have peace of heart and mind, Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows, but cheer up, for I have overcome the world,” John 16:33

…With love and sincerity,

…Lacy Jay Beckelhymer-WEBB

I do not think you should have to be in that room every moment. It does not matter what anyone thinks accept for GOD, YOU, and POP. You do what you have to do honey. He knows you love him. I think he would understand if you’re not there all the time. I do think he would probably like to see you every now and then. Do what is right for you, do not do what you think others expect you to do (that’s easy for me to say, but I have the same problem).

GOD BLESS YOUR FAMILY!

[seaj]

Lacy, I haven't read what you've written, but will when I get home today. I have my Pop's funeral in 3hrs, but have to leave in 2.

Every now and then beautiful angels appear cleverly disguised as ordinary human beings: a better man we will never know.

I proofed the booklet and printed it out yesterday, and that's beautifully written on one of the four pages and it finally brought me to some tears - I hadn't really cried yet. I expect too today. He died Wednesday (Australia's Wednesday) and I hadn't cried.

I plan to come back here and share how it happened. For me, it turned out really beautifully - like someone was pulling strings to ensure things happened how they did.

And my eldest brother has just informed me he and my other brother and his fiance are on their way over to use my place to get ready and now expect me to be ready in an hour. The car to pick us up doesn't leave for 2hrs from one suburb away and I have a migraine I need to cure first. About to have a an injection of Diazepam, rather than Tramal (which I had last night), as it makes me need to vomit so badly and I don't want to use up my only Zofran. I might just take some OxyContin too to be sure.

[seaj]

"Every now and then beautiful angels appear cleverly disguised as ordinary human beings."

... this is the quote I selected and was chosen for little one page handouts you get when you're walking into a funeral.

Hi everyone who has been kind enough to post in this thread for me, PM me about what I’m going through and to even just read this. I wanted to let you all know that my Pop passed away on Wednesday, but also the events that led up to when and how it happened.

I had been asked by my mother (who had been staying at the hospital round the clock for a few days by this point) to be at the hospital by 9:30am* Tuesday (stay till noon) so she, my brother and Nan could go and meet with my ‘cousin’** to make arrangements for when Pop did die including funeral (not totally specific) and obituary, things like that. They were due back at noon and I had Foxtel due at Nan (and Pop’s) house at that time to install 2 more points, which was originally in case he could be home for a few days before dying, so he’d have all the t.v. stations he’s used to in his bedroom (well now every room in the house).

*-I have been suffering from near constant bad migraines since I got a bacterial, bronchial chest infection & my swine flu shot + a pill to cover my Implanon playing up, so I will not go to sleep till a migraine is treated or I wake up with it even worse, needing at least a Dr.'s treatment. So I had about 3-4hrs sleep .

**- actually my mother's cousin, but my brother's age, so we call him cousin. He was helping with arranging it as he used to work at the Funeral Home we were using. His grandmother (our great grandmother) also used to work there, and the man who founded them (they're very well known in Brisbane) actually ran the ceremony when my great grandmother died when I was about 15.

I did ask the Foxtel guy to push the job back one so I didn’t have to leave immediately as I was enjoying being with my Pop and once I left I knew I’d not be able to come back, but if I stayed, I could stay as long as possible. Knowing that my brother ended up offering to go and take care of Foxtel as he’d been able to spend so much more time up there with Pop and he’d be able to return afterwards.

Last time I was there I’d re-written what was on his whiteboard so I could fit as many photos up as possible (took in the two photo albums I did up for myself many years ago) and it turned out that showing in the room were 4 photos of my Nan, 3 of my Pop and Mum and 2 of my eldest brother and I but only one of my younger of my older brothers and none of my nephew (wanted to get one of him up) and just one of Michelle (their long time neighbour they’d many times taken in with her mother at all hours as the father abused them, so she’s like the 4th grandchild he never had – which I wrote in the eulogy ... but I think she even sees him as a father much like we do too). And I say “never had” as my mother’s 2nd child, a girl, died not long after being born. Mind you, had she lived I’d not have been born as my mother wanted a daughter and after having me (which was an accident, so I even know my conception date) she had her tubes tied.

I knew I had 2 great photos of my other brother in my diary and found them right before leaving home, one was with my nephew so I put it up and all seemed right with 2 of each grandchild and 1 of Pop’s only great grandchild. Plus all but one photo was from a special occasion. However, after I saw how much Michelle was being impacted when she came to visit that day I went into my album where I knew I had a great young photo of her and put it up as well – so 2 of all the ‘would be’ grandchildren . She noticed it later and said it was her first ever medal (she was a world class runner), so another special occasion photo.

Anyway, I’d wondered how I’d fill the time while I was there for the morning as Pop couldn’t really be interacted with. I mean we weren’t allowed to stroke his hand and he couldn’t wake up, he just lay with his eyes closed and I just buzzed for help whenever I felt his breathing became evidently more difficult and painful and they needed to give him more pain relief. I’d written to you about one thing I’d wanted to say to him, but didn’t want to with everyone in the room, so interesting I got to be alone with him. And I also paid attention to those of you who told me he could well hear what I may say and talked to him almost the entire time they were gone. I did get funny looks from a few nurses every time they walked passed and I was in the identical spot, still looking at him and still talking.

I ended up laying on the couch in the room, hugging a teddy bear I’d left there that’s always with me just staring at him and talking everything to him that I thought may fall into the realm of anything important he’d want to know. Then I tried to say anything that he might want to say – so speak on his behalf and try and cover anything he might want to say if he could speak, so he knew that his feelings and thoughts hopefully none would go unheard or not considered.

Just before Mum and co. got back the Palliative care team came in to talk about Pop and first asked who he was to me and when I said “Pop” the man gave me a funny look as if to say, “wow, you’re very young”, so I then clarified he was my grandfather. He asked me if the family knew that he was dying and I let him know where they were, so that was clear. He then let me know it could be a matter of hours, maybe days but not likely any more. I let my mother know that as she returned with them there and I was just checking to make sure it wasn’t blood I could see in his urine (in the catheter). With that I think she made sure my other brother really was coming to visit that day. He was bringing my nephew and I felt it was important he see Pop like he was as they’re very close and it would be terrible if he just thought Pop disappeared from his life.

Nan ended up staying ages waiting for him, so she watched Pop a long time and asked me to take some photos. I helped my nephew with how “weird” I knew he’d be feeling, as I knew how I felt when I was young and family started to die. So it turned out that everyone, all the close people to my Pop were there at the one time; his wife, daughter, 3 grandchildren, great grandchild and Michelle.

I was going to get Mum dinner when I left (some time after the others) but we didn’t want to leave Pop so we ordered Pizza Hut to the Palliative Care ward. And I didn’t want to leave as his breathing dropped and I talked to him for a while, letting him know it was okay to let go. Then let my mother know that maybe she had to let him know. Then she remembered my brother left a 9min recorded message for him. I couldn’t put it in his ear, so I held it at his ear to listen to. He raised his eyebrow as it started.

It then occurred to me how very scary it probably is to let go. How hard it must be to take your last breath. So when my mother walked back in, I just said out aloud - was just telling Pop how he could muster all his courage and be the brave man we know he is and then he’d be out of pain and at peace. I wanted to be there for my mother and tried to stay as it just felt like he was going to go.

But some time before 10:30pm I left. But the boom to the carpark had been broken for days, so when I’d come in that morning I couldn’t get a ticket to park. By the afternoon it had been fixed. So I had no ticket to get out. And funnily enough also, the soul of my shoe all but came off on the way out also (I’d usually go to my Pop to bond with him to fix my shoe too). So I went and pressed to get a ticket and it said, “you aren’t in a vehicle” and I thought, der, no shit, my car is parked. I pressed for help, but the help button was broken on both the entry and exit. Then a nice man drove his car up to the boom and got me a ticket and left. I put it in to pay and it said, “backed out” (meaning the car backed out). So I still couldn’t pay to get out. And I couldn’t get back in the hospital as the doors lock at like 9pm I think. Then a security guard came by doing his rounds and was gonna let me out with his swipe card and IT didn’t work. So he called for another guard with a key to unlock the boom.

....read on in next post.

Edited November 24, 2009 by seaj
- label it "part 1"

[seaj]

I said to him, “never mind, this really feels like a MASSIVE sign”. The other guy came and unlocked the boom for me, but I said I am sure this is a sign. So I rang my Mum and she came and let me back in (you can unlock the doors from inside) and I shared the fold out couch with her. Funny enough also, my Pop has been using my 2 microfibre blankets for over a year now (he loved them ‘cause of how lightweight they were while still being warm) and Mum had one of them there and a queen was plenty big enough to share, and me being like I am, I had a change of clothes (I’m always prepared) – but I had such a fever from the infection I’ve had that my G.P. had said not to worry about my Pop catching, that I slept with my pants rolled up, just my singlet and no blanket in the air-con I had such a hot sweat happening.

We listened to Pop through the night and at one stage I had to get up and buzz the nurses to give him some relief. Then they came other times to give him more without needing prompting. Then let us know his breathing had dropped very low at maybe 4am, but it was like it had been a lot of the night before going to bed and a lot of the day. Just before 5am I woke up and rolled off my left side to my back and said to myself, “wow, usually my bursitis doesn’t hurt on that side, but on a shitty pull out sofa it sure does”. Then I was just letting my fibromyalgia settle while I listened to Pop breathe before I rolled over. As I rolled over it made a noise and I then needed the blanket for a moment and that made a noise. ** I comment on the noise, 'cause for that short moment I couldn't hear Pop and nor could Mum. Then right after that the nurse let us know he’d stopped breathing.

We both flew out of the bed and my poor mother then let her tears flow, though they were mostly for him being at peace. His face even looked peaceful, now free of the pain. She really worried she’d done something wrong by not hearing him stop breathing, or not getting up when the nurse told her about it – I felt she hadn't and assured her of that. I think if she had sat by his side at 4am he’d have just kept holding on. I think he stopped breathing when we couldn’t hear him on purpose. That’s my Pop; dignified right till the end. My Mum’s says he was sneaky and I think she’s spot on.

I then called my brother and then Mum spoke to him and he and Nan came up. And then I called Michelle, feeling she deserved to know when he passed and as I thought she would, she too came up to say goodbye. Sadly for my Mum my stepfather was in a hospital on the other side of town as earlier that week his pacemaker had gone out of synch and he’d had to have much the same heart surgery my Pop had had (shame it was a different hospital), but he was there the day/evening before the funeral and there Friday for the funeral.

I’d say all has been okay, but I still haven’t had much of a cry. My psychologist doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with me though for that though. Asked me why I was worried there was something "wrong" with that and confirmed for me there wasn't anything wrong with it. I looked after my nephew Friday night and yesterday morning until I got a phone call asking (but not really asking) I go be with everyone. That I was missing ... though I really think my Pop is who was missing, not me. But the morning of the funeral I woke at 5am, horridly sick with a migraine and took everything I needed to get through that day. When my brother and other brother and his fiancé came over the morning of the funeral to where I live to shower and get ready (since everyone else was at Nan & Pop’s house with just one shower), I’d commented I was really sick, the younger of my two brothers asked if I'd eaten and tried to help me basically. My eldest brother however told me exactly this; “you can’t be sick today”. I’m afraid that’s not something I can control – but I sure did everything needed to be well enough for the day. Which ensured I’d be very sick the next day (yesterday). So by the time he asked, I didn’t even get a chance to say after I get better here I’ll come over, I got told I could be sick over there (not possible to get better there and that’d mean a night in the E.R. for me) – but we all had to be together. That it’s the day after the funeral, that only one of those days will ever be and I’ll regret something. I'm not sure what, ‘cause by then I was rather confused that family had to come together the day after the funeral as well – I’ve never heard that one. In fact even my 7-yr-old nephew said something like, “are there 2 days ...... ?” Asking like if there were 2 days of funerals.

So despite my brother being a total arse to me, really abusing me for not being considerate of them ... when interestingly enough I’d not called them earlier in the day as I didn’t want to wake anyone up and into the real world of pain, in case they were sleeping in. I didn’t ask anyone to take me to the Dr. or to even come get my nephew so I didn’t have to look after him while trying to get well.

Soon as the phone hung up I got my nephew’s stuff together as I knew they’d come get him then. I wasn’t wrong, my mother came to get him immediately as my brothers were going to take him to the diving pool. I let her know which pool HE wanted to go to. Incidentally he'd been talking to me the night before and that day about me taking him again one day to this pool, which had slides and other 'fun stuff' I'd taken him to in the past. He'd even wanted to use the pool in the complex where I live, that would've made him sufficiently happy, I just wasn't well enough to go and supervise him. However, by going to a diving pool I felt they were trying to take a jab at me (again, probably subconciously, 'cause I'm the one who used to be an elite diver and I couldn't go participate). Only imagine neither brother came to get him, too immature to be around me without abusing me; but I could be wrong. I confronted my mother and asked why they didn’t call me earlier and she said, “you shouldn’t have needed to be told to come and be with us all”. Here I thought everyone had a right to deal with things their own way. And then had the audacity to tell me that I hadn’t cared about or supported anyone through any of this. That really hurt and was enough for me to cry so much I then needed a Dr. to come out to the house, but also to know I wasn’t going over there, even if I did get better.

So, the way I lost him – well it was like someone pulling strings to make things the way they needed to be and it was beautiful. Since then, coping seems to make me a hated person – I imagine subconsciously, but it hits me exactly the same, no matter how it’s occurring for them.

Edited November 24, 2009 by seaj
** added why I spoke of rolling over and added a few comments.

[lacyjay87]

im so sorry everyone is being so inconsiderat towards you.....may peace be with you..and may love and caring come to from them and all of us!

[Jetliner]

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Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
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[seaj]

John thank you so much for everything you shared. I won't even try and imagine how difficult it was for you, but I appreciate you sharing to help me. It means a great deal, that you'd go back through such difficult times to help someone you barely know. I can't thank you enough.

I also understand the point you conveyed. I trust now that emotions will occur for me when and how they are meant to. Like you I cried most for when I had to put my cat down a few years ago. I even asked my Pop to watch over my dog of now as she's 16 and I'm not ready to lose her yet (she was taken from me for 12yrs and in over a year of being back with me she's returned to better health than she had and I can only hope being in my environment prolongs her life, a quality life, as much as possible).

Also like you, I thought I'd not survive losing my Pop. I loved him more than anything and even at his and my Nan's 50th Wedding Anniversary during my speech I out and out said to them that they couldn't die for at least 10 more years 'cause I still needed them and loved them way too much to not have them around. You wouldnt imagine, I don't think, the looks on the faces of the people from their generation when I did say this, but it wasn't anything shocking to my Nan or Pop as they knew me very well and accepted me always for exactly who I am. He gave me 8yrs - but then I'm also doing the best I've done in all that time ... and I'll take 8yrs any day. When this aggressive cancer took a hold though, I thought I'd never survive losing him (it took him in 2 weeks) - it's still surprising me how well I am coping.

The biggest cry I've had was the other night when I realised I've lost the only male figure in my life who accepted me for who I am and was proud of me for just being me and could see when I achieved things, no matter how small they were and was proud of that too. I will really miss that. You don't often get a Nan & Pop who accept that your gay, let you talk about it, meet your partners and treat them well (like family) and accept that you have debilitating psychiatric problems (as well as physical problems that rival theirs, if not are worse) and follow your progress with your psychologist and G.P. How many 77yr olds are that cool?

I've also been sleeping on one of my sofa beds since my brother moved back to live with my Nan (so I live alone again) because I feel less alone there, for whatever reason ... and I'm gonna keep sleeping there till I'm ready to go back to my isolated bedroom and I don't care what anyone else's opinion is. I still think everyone has a right to cope in their own way and I also think no-one should even have to justify it to people in their life.

I was supposed to go through my Pop's belongings today to select what I wanted and it's just too soon for me. My brothers don't have to. One has my mother choosing some things for him and my other brother is really tiny, so wouldn't fit anything of my Pop's. My mother wouldn't wear anything of my Pop's which leaves me as the only person who has to go through that emotional experience and a week to the day he died was too much for me and I simply refused. So I have his hankies (most of which actually are mine - my Nan many times mixed them up, or I bought him) and the threat that if I didn't go and choose now, other people (like my Nan's brother - who doesn't want anything for sentimental reasons, just for saving money reasons) would get first choice and I'd miss out. Heaven forbid they have to wait a few extra days.

I supplied her with the boxes she needed to pack everything up (by making a massive mess of my stuff in my garage by emptying boxes), so I can't see why the boxes can't just be put aside for a little while till I'm ready - is that really asking too much? The boxes with the nicer stuff in it, and just t-shirts/polos and jumpers, as I'm not going to wear any other sort of mens stuff. I have enough clothing, just a few sentimental items, even the things I purchased for him would be nice.