Ms. Nobody

[Ms. Nobody]

I’m sick of my life.

I’m sick of everything.

My mom thinks that she owns me, that my time belongs to her. When she says jump, I’m not even allowed to ask “How high?” I just have to do it. She tells me that I’m going here or there with her, and even if I don’t want to, she makes me. If I tell her that I don’t really want to go, she gets completely pissed off and has an attitude. I could be tired from working a week straight, and I still have to go places with her. If I tell her I’m tired, she just throws back “Well I’m tired too.” But she’s the one that wants to fucking go!!! If I asked her to take me somewhere right after she gets off work, she gets pissed and yells that she’s fuckin’ tired, that she just worked all day.

I feel like I have no life beyond what my family wants.

This shit isn’t normal.

I’m always expected to be the bigger person, I’m expected to give and give and give even if the person doesn’t give a shit about my giving. I’m told to keep in contract with someone who doesn’t want to keep in contract with me, and I end up feeling like a fool -- and it’s all because my family pushes these things on me. They can turn me down when I need something, and then in the next breath ask me for a favor.

It’s all a bunch of bullshit, and I can’t take it anymore. I’m only here to be their fuckin’ slave, their servant -- and I can’t take this anymore.

I’m nobody, I don’t matter.

I’m so fuckin ready to cut, all I need is the opportunity.

[Mark]

Hi Nobody. Glad you found this community. Hope we can help support you a little.

Certainly you are one pissed off person. It sounds like you are the side car on a motorcycle - you are attached to this other thing that does the steering and you have to just go along where it goes. That works for an infant, but not for an adult.

It would help greately if you could provide some context. For instance how old you are. You suggest you work, so I'm guessing you are a youngish adult living in the family home, maybe in your 20s? But you could be younger than that, I suppose, or older.

What circumstances make it so impossible for you to do your own thing without being controlled by your mother? How much freedom do you have, actually? It would help to have this context.

Regarding the urge to cut yourself. Lots of folks here share that urge. As a community we are set up to try to help people contain that urge. It is a coping mechanism, for sure, but not a productive or life-affirming one. Are there other things you can do when you feel the desire to cut?

Mark

[Ms. Nobody]

Hi Mark, thanks for replying.

I’m 22 years old, and you’re example of a motorcycle with a side car attached sums up a lot of what I feel. That’s a good analogy .

What makes it impossible is the fact that if she wants to go somewhere, I have to go. I’m not sure if its hard for her, or she just doesn’t like it, but she hardly goes anywhere without someone with her. Recently I’ve been getting a bit of a break,, only because I’m at work, but when I’m not I have to go. I didn’t mind so much when I was younger, but when I got into my teens to now -- well it just about drives me up the wall.

It’s aggravating. I’ll tell her “Ugh, I’m so glad I have today off, I don’t want to do anything.” and she’ll say she doesn’t either, but then in the next breath she just wants to run really quick to here and there -- But it will be fast. Until we get there, it’s never just in and out like she makes it sound.

I don’t think I’d mind to much if this wasn’t an all the time thing. I’m not saying that I don’t completely have my own time, but say I plan to go to the beach and I’m having people meet me somewhere to eat first and my mom wants to get something from Wal-mart, she’ll tell me 10 minutes before I start getting ready that she wants me to go with her really quick. [Even if I don’t have enough time to do what she wants and be there on time] If I complain or say I don’t want to, she’ll get an attitude, get mad, and guilt trip me until I give in. And I do because I hate my mom being mad at me, or sad because of me. I don’t know really, I just feel like shit if my mom isn’t happy. So in order for me to have a good time, I have to please her so I know she’s happy.

She also has this thing with volunteering me to do things for her friends, or people at her work, even family members -- without asking me to do it. She just says “Oh Amber will do it.” Or she’ll come home from work and tell me, “oh so and so asked me if you’ll do this or that for them, and told them you would“, and then if I don’t do it before she expects it, she gets mad. One time she came home from work, promising someone that I’d make a CD for them by tomorrow. She got mad because I didn’t do it when she wanted, so I broke down and did it that night, and the next day the person she wanted to take it to didn’t show up. I’ve been volunteered to make tons of CD’s for her friends, and when I tell her “Well mom, the CD’s do cost money.” She just says “Oh I know.”

She complains how she hate similar things my aunt does to her, but then she turns right around and does it to me. Yesterday my aunt came over, and they were taking me to work and my aunt says “So and so got this CD I want to buy.” and my mom tells her “Just borrow it, and Amber will burn it for you.”

I don’t know if I’m over reacting but it really bugs me. There’s a ton of other things she does, which I don’t have time to get into -- but that’s a bit of it.

So yeah guess I do have time for myself, once I’m finished making her happy. Ugh, I get stressed just thinking about all this, so I’ll shut up know.

[Kalima]

Dear Nobody,

is it possible your mother views you as an extention of herself? Perhapts that's why she treats you as if she owns you, I have a similar relationship to yourself with my parents so I can relate to your fustration.

I tried to tell my dad the other day that I 'didn't want to build thewebsite' for him but his stock reply was 'but I want you too'. We were rather childish and went back and forth saying the same things until I gave in. Not the best way to handle it.

You need to be your own person. You are an individual, you have your own thoughts, feelings and wants. Your life does not (despite what anyone may believe) belong to anyone but you.

I think you need to try and set some bounderies. If your mother tells you that she has volunteered you to do something you don't wish to, you could try saying: 'I'm sorry you've done that, you should have asked me first, I have other plans'. Try not to sound exasperated or annoyed but be reasonable and stay calm (unlike me).

"I don’t think I’d mind to much if this wasn’t an all the time thing. I’m not saying that I don’t completely have my own time, but say I plan to go to the beach and I’m having people meet me somewhere to eat first and my mom wants to get something from Wal-mart, she’ll tell me 10 minutes before I start getting ready that she wants me to go with her really quick. [Even if I don’t have enough time to do what she wants and be there on time] If I complain or say I don’t want to, she’ll get an attitude, get mad, and guilt trip me until I give in. And I do because I hate my mom being mad at me, or sad because of me. I don’t know really, I just feel like shit if my mom isn’t happy. "

Of course you want you mum to be happy, you love her, but isn't she behaving like a child with you mothering her? How long has there been this dynamic? Who's suposed to be nurturing who?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Ms. Nobody and Kalima,

Ms. Nobody, I think that Kalima has given you good advice. To an extent, this is a matter of setting boundaries.

In addition, what makes it so difficult for you to say a small two letter word: NO?

Something stops you from the NO word and the question I am asking is what stops you from using that word or why can't you use it?

By submitting to the dictates of your mother against you will you are left feeling angry and frustrated. Then, you turn your anger and frustration against your self by cutting your self. Does this sound correct?? Please explain.

Allan

[Ms. Nobody]

Kalima -- I’m sorry you go through the same things that I do. Parents can be so overbearing to the point of making you want to scream. I’m sure that most of the time my mom does consider me as a extension of herself. She has always been overbearing and protective -- close to the point of smothering. Like I said when I was younger I didn’t mind, but now it just makes me life harder. She doesn’t understand when I try to talk to her about it, I feel like nothing will ever change.

I think you need to try and set some bounderies. If your mother tells you that she has volunteered you to do something you don't wish to, you could try saying: 'I'm sorry you've done that, you should have asked me first, I have other plans'. Try not to sound exasperated or annoyed but be reasonable and stay calm (unlike me).

I know that if I told my mother that I’m sorry she did that, but she should have asked me first she would get pissed and take the assumption that I’m being a smartass by saying “I’m sorry you did that.” Plus I get so pissed when she does that I don’t know if I’d be able to convey that message without some sarcastic bite to it.

Ugh she’s so frustrating.

I did tell her no about tomorrow -- but lets just see how ok she is about me saying no tomorrow. I’ve been working a lot recently, normal I work part-time so I don’t have many hours, but this week I’ve been working full time without a day off until tomorrow, and I’m soooo tired. Well yesterday she asked me what days I have off, and when I told her she said “Oh good you can go with me to the sale their having and such and such place.” She finished off with saying that we would have to get up early. Well I was planning on sleeping in tomorrow -- so I told her no way I’m not going, I’m tired and I want to get some rest. She’s on vacation so it’s not like she’ll have to worry about working, but I do.

She complained a little about me not going, but then kinda dropped it. So far so good … lets just see tomorrow what happens.

----

ASchwartz -- It’s hard to say no because she’ll get mad at my and her attitude and things she says makes me feel like shit. I’m also a very emotional person, and when I know someone’s sad or upset it affects me as if it was happening to me.

I don’t know how to describe what I feel or how my mom’s reaction to my not wanting to do something makes me feel. Here’s an example:

She wanted to go to K-mart and I didn’t. Like before I had told her that I wanted to rest all day, and didn’t want to go anywhere because I wasn’t feeling good. 10 minutes later she says she wants to go to K-mart. When she says “She wants” that means I’m included in that. When I complained by saying I didn’t want to go, she tried convincing me, when I still complained and say I didn’t want to go, she got pissed off yelled “Fine” and shut up about going but for the next few hours anything I said to her, or asked her she had an attitude, or some kinda of remark that made me feel like shit.

It emotionally hurts me both way, when I have to do something I don’t want to because I’m tired or don’t feel good or have plans -- and when she gets mad because I tell her I can’t, wont, or don’t want to.

Most of the time I don’t say no because I find it’s easier then fighting with her about it. It’s easier to just do what she wants, then for me to feel like shit until she gets over it. But then again it sucks to do it when I don’t feel good, or am sick.

I don’t know I feel like it’s a double edged sword. I just can’t do anything right.

Edited June 21, 2008 by Ms. Nobody