down-in-oz Posted June 16, 2008 Report Share Posted June 16, 2008 Hi!Here is a little background on me - I am 36, I live in Australia but I was born in the US. I have 4 girls ages 13, 10, 8, 3. My husband is Australian.When I was little my father did bad things to me. My parents were divorced and my mother abused me physically and mentally. When I was 14 the only stable influence in my life - my grandfather, died. My brother was killed when I was 19, and there were some other traumas around that, e.g. my father and my mother both behaving in an unbelievable manner (even making allowances for their grief). I had several years of therapy to try and recover. I have never been into drugs or alcohol.After a few failed relationships I married my husband and we have been together for over 11 years. He is genuinely supportive and tries to be as helpful as possible.Now for my problem - I hate it here and I am unhappy. The kids stress me out and sometimes I feel like just walking away. I try to make time for myself and go to the gym but I am tired and unmotivated. The things that inspire me and motivate me have been placed on the back burner.I feel like I am constantly running around doing all this stuff to manage the lives of my kids and husband (grocery store, helping with homework, etc.) Two of my kids have Autism and I am always taking them to specialised therapy or meeting with their teachers at school.I don't know if it is winter blues or just a phase but I can't seem to find my focus. I am not suicidal but I am down. I don't want to hurt anyone or myself I just want a break. I feel like I would be letting everyone down but I really just want to leave. It's not so much the house or the kids its just every little thing adds up.I am so tired of all the people in my life (friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc.) who are rude or mean because they can't see past the nose on the end of their face. They have made it much harder too because people like my "best friend" are going through job losses, etc. and are wrapped up in themselves.I really need someone to talk to. I feel lonely, isolated, and I have no one to share all my stressors with except my husband and he is too busy picking up all the balls that I am dropping to really stop and listen. I sometimes just yell at the kids and can't stay calm. I lock myself in my room when I can't deal with them or need a break for a minute. Now I want to move out of the house. I know running away isn't the answer. People tell me its all part of life and I should be thankful. But you know what? I am but some of it I can't be thankful for. How am I supposed to be thankful for Autistic children? How am I supposed to be thankful for being constantly stressed? How am I supposed to be thankful for not being able to do the things that I want to do?I don't know if I am suffering from some sort of depressive episode or if I am checking out mentally the way my parents did (my mother is Borderline Personality and although my father never had a formal diagnosis he was very mentally ill as well). The doctors here won't listen to me. My regular doctor was away and I saw a different one in the same practice and he told me I should wait to see the other doctor when she is back! I am stressed out, tired, and afraid to leave my house because there is stress every time I leave the door. Here is this doctor telling me to come back when it took me a week to work up the courage to go to into the office!The doctor I saw asked me "so what's your problem?" When I told him everything he shrugged and said "you sound fine to me, it sounds like you are a mum with 4 kids who is trying to cope". But am I? I don't know, I don't think I am coping so well.Suggestions, ideas, anything would be of help.Cheers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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