( TRIGGER ) Old habits are hard to break

[texasgirl]

I have fell into my old ways, clawing my flesh to shreads again. I just want the pain to go away.

[Mark]

Kate,

Thank you for marking this post with a trigger warning. That was the appropriate thing to do.

I know you are in a lot of pain. I know you are coping as best as you can. I truly hope that you have not harmed yourself too much and that whatever wounds have occured are superficial.

Please hear what follows in the spirit of constructive criticism.

I don't know if it is only in my own head, or if it is "real", but I perceive a pattern with regard to your behavior. You solicit help, support and suggestions, and then essentially shoot down what help, support and suggestions sent your way. Maybe not all of it, but a fair amount of it. You give as your primary reason that you have no resources and that you are demoralized and simply can't pursue any lead. Nothing changes in a positive sense for you - it's impossible to pursue help based on what you've told us - and then you post a post like this one, which I'm not even sure I understand the motive of yet. Is this another form of cry for help? I'll treat it as one for the time being.

So - the way I see it, we're all (or maybe it's just me) in an impossible situation - unable to help you, and watching you self-harm. This is very painful to witness, and very painful to experience too I'm sure. This pattern is not going anywhere healthy.

I'm fine for you to continue posting here and hope that you will do so as it is clear you are in need. But I want to point out clearly that the burden of obtaining help is on yourself. Even if you don't have resources to spare; even if you are afraid to challenge things at home - it doesn't matter. Until you find a way (some way) to obtain some professional help for yourself in some fashion - and I'm staying with my recommendation for Dialectial Behavior Therapy and/or EMDR - it seems likely that you will remain in pain, and continue to self-harm. I'm not trying to be harsh here, and I hope that much comes across. I'm stating the case as I see it. The responsibility for getting help is yours. All we can do is to encourage you to seek help, and perhaps help you think creatively about how that could happen (as you have to be creative when you have few resources), but you have to do that work or this is just going to continue.

Hope you are feeling better today.

Mark

[texasgirl]

Mark,

Not sure what to say, I have not been here for quite a few weeks and I was not prepared for your response. Although you are totally justified in what you said, and I understand.

I saw the Doc, been sick but I'm better. Been praying ALOT, and making some changes ALOT of changes. Things are not only better at home, but with me too. I am walking 5 mil every day, and I have decided to open the shades and not stay cooped up in the dark anymore( so to speak) My real father ( God ) and I are spending a great deal of time together.

I'm think instead of what happened to me being a bad thing, maybe it can be used to help someone that has not even begun to see the way out.

Some of the girls I work with talked me int getting a my space . I have felt the need to write some. I wrote to my dad, then went and read it to his grave then burned it. But I've wrote a blog or two on my space. I'll copy and paste it here for you

The anger towards my dad and family is just gone, i wish them no harm. They are human and made mistakes.

I'm sorry I haven't been around before now, things have been better and I have been real busy. The nightmares have stopped so have the flash backs, and I'm sleeping all night for the first time in many months. I can not tell you how much good that does

I thank you and Allan for your patience and time , here are those blogs I wrote.

Katie Mae

Admiration,

I have great admiration for any child that has not only gone through abuse, but that has become a survivor. I have realized that where or what you come from, does not make you who you are. I grew up being told this saying "The apple does not fall to far from the tree" That may be true, however. That apple can roll away from the tree, be picked up and dusted off and made clean and beautiful again

I am that apple ! I am a survivor !

Forgiveness,

Such a simple word but not a simple act. But the act of forgiveness I have found is the key to the dark place where I keep the bitterness and pain locked up inside. The road to forgiveness is a long bumpy road, one I struggle to walk everyday. There are days I don't want to forgive and the hatred towards my family for what they did or didn't do creeps up on me, and boy Satan can bring all that back in the blink of an eye. Those are the days I spend extra time with my real father, I realize I'm only feeding the power of thoes that hurt me. With holding forgiveness will never change what they did, it will only continue to harden my heart and keep me from my goal.

Forgiveness, I'm getting there

Kate,

Thank you for marking this post with a trigger warning. That was the appropriate thing to do.

I know you are in a lot of pain. I know you are coping as best as you can. I truly hope that you have not harmed yourself too much and that whatever wounds have occured are superficial.

Please hear what follows in the spirit of constructive criticism.

I don't know if it is only in my own head, or if it is "real", but I perceive a pattern with regard to your behavior. You solicit help, support and suggestions, and then essentially shoot down what help, support and suggestions sent your way. Maybe not all of it, but a fair amount of it. You give as your primary reason that you have no resources and that you are demoralized and simply can't pursue any lead. Nothing changes in a positive sense for you - it's impossible to pursue help based on what you've told us - and then you post a post like this one, which I'm not even sure I understand the motive of yet. Is this another form of cry for help? I'll treat it as one for the time being.

So - the way I see it, we're all (or maybe it's just me) in an impossible situation - unable to help you, and watching you self-harm. This is very painful to witness, and very painful to experience too I'm sure. This pattern is not going anywhere healthy.

I'm fine for you to continue posting here and hope that you will do so as it is clear you are in need. But I want to point out clearly that the burden of obtaining help is on yourself. Even if you don't have resources to spare; even if you are afraid to challenge things at home - it doesn't matter. Until you find a way (some way) to obtain some professional help for yourself in some fashion - and I'm staying with my recommendation for Dialectial Behavior Therapy and/or EMDR - it seems likely that you will remain in pain, and continue to self-harm. I'm not trying to be harsh here, and I hope that much comes across. I'm stating the case as I see it. The responsibility for getting help is yours. All we can do is to encourage you to seek help, and perhaps help you think creatively about how that could happen (as you have to be creative when you have few resources), but you have to do that work or this is just going to continue.

Hope you are feeling better today.

Mark

Edited June 30, 2008 by Mark
cleaning up white space

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Texasgirl,

It seems as though things are beginning to go better and I applaud that. I did not realize that you were staying locked in your room in the dark. I am pleased that you are now getting out into the fresh air. There is nothing better and more therapeutic than sunshine, fresh air and long walks. I hope you are near a park so that you can enjoy nature. It is the healthiest thing in the world.

Keep us informed about how you are doing and stay with us, we are here to help.

Allan:)

[Mark]

Katie,

This is good and welcome news that you are feeling better. I'm really glad to hear it. It's a little suprising, given how low you were feeling just a little while ago, but very welcome. I hope it hangs around for a good long time.

You suggest that you are making some changes, praying more and getting out more. All good things. Going for walks is free and actually very good for you. Regular exercise can have an antidepressant effect, plus it is just fun to move around.

I'm curious, what do you think has helped you to feel better? Or rather, what pushed you to be motivated to make these changes you've described? It seems to me like it has come out of relative nowhere, and I'm wondering what it is that has been helpful.

One of the things I love about online community like this is that the problems of one person are visible to other people who might read them and say, "hey - that's the problem I was dealing with" and get inspired to help themselves. People almost always hear helpful suggestions better when they come from peers rather than from doctors. So - yes - you are an inspiration to others whether you want that role or not (grin! - we all are here), and hopefully you can do something good with that role that will help others.

Again - I'm so glad to know you are feeling better.

Mark

[texasgirl]

Mark,

One night night I was so down and so blue, I talked to God ( hadn't done that for along time) It was like this flood of emotion and peace. It's like there is total chaos inside me but overwhelming peace at the same time. There is not a morning that comes and goes with out me thanking Jesus for it and talking to him. I use to think God wasn't there with me as a child, He was for he held me close to him. Things could have been so much worse than they were had God not been there. Here is a series of verse that make up this letter, I cling to this.

Off to work now Have a great day !

My Child,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. 1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. 1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you. Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. 1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. 1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen. Luke 15:7

I have always been Father, and will always be Father. Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…Will you be my child? John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad.

[nightfalls]

Hi texas girl

Nice to hear that you are feeling better I am glad for you. Also I wanted to thank you for posting such nice statments from the bible it is nice to see and be reminded. take care

[Kalima]

Generally I don't have the greatest respect for the bible, I don't like the way many churches (or at least my church) interpreted it. But that was beautiful.

Thank you.

[Natalie]

This is a great reminder that religiosity/spirituality (whatever term that you want to use) can be a wonderful tool to help some people cope with stressors.