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sexuality after rape


distortion
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as I mentioned in the new members forum I was raised in orphanages and girls homes. I had a few short stays in foster homes where I was molested by one foster father, then in another foster family raped repeatedly by an adult foster brother when I was 11. After I finally told someone, I asked to never be in a family situation again.

I was a bit of a prude till my late 20s early 30s and I was tough. a fighter. not an instigater but a fierce defender of myself and those around me. I never thought id feel like I did when I was 11 again.

2 octobers ago I woke up to a man's silhouette moving towards my bed holding a knife in one hand and a crowbar in the other. i managed to escape death after he raped and assaulted me.

it turns out he was the guy who cut the nieghbors grass. someone I was courteous to when I saw him. I did absolutely nothing to invite what he did. he is in jail now.

maybe I never had a healthy sexuality, but now its tainted with anger. Im in my sexual prime and I masturbate, but its to porn of men having sex with each other, preferably violently.

I also hate to be alone at night and even see things sometimes. I think Im in a bad relationship right now because of that. I have no family to seek help from and have a great fear of not being able to defend my children.

sometimes I stare at the door when Im laying in bed with a hunting knife in my hand just hoping some stranger comes in so I can clean myself in their blood.

They put me in therapy when I was six after they removed me from my situation, ive read a lot of psychology, criminology and sociology in an effort to understand the human animal (none of it helped) Im not sure if there is any wisdom that can heal me, adside from a snake medicine sort of outlook and shamanistic existence, but Im willing to keep searching...

long live the run-on sentence.

Edited by distortion
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Hi again,

Welcome. I am glad you made it beyond the "new members" thread.

thank you again, I havent talked like this to anyone about his stuff and your responce is healing in its self, content aside. thank you.

It felt especially sad to read your statement, "I did absolutely nothing to invite what he did." For you to feel any sense of blame for that is tragic on its own.

well, in the millions of times you replay this sort of thing through your mind after it happens, pondering all questions, all what if senerios and trying to understand, for a minute you sit in the company of any explaination. rationing usually errodes such things though. I do try to be rational and logical as much as is possible when you have a circus in your head.

When you refer to being in a bad relationship - are you specifically in that relationship because you are afraid to be alone at night? How is it otherwise?

he is avery selfish person. I do a lot for him, but if I get sad or something, even for a short while, he starts insulting me. Saying Im distracting him from his goals when I have done so very much, and gone with out a great many things to help him achieve them. he isnt grateful for anything Ive done, that I need anything, or am anything but attractive and happy is intolerable to him. he doesnt hit me or anything, but I know if I didnt do the things I do for him he we wouldnt be together. he got mad at me this morning because I couldnt sleep last night and got up late. he is out of town I told him over the phone. he said I was distracting him from what he has to do, he is where he is because of me and I never bother him with my thoughts or feelings leave slips like this morning. I met him a few weeks after the rape.

Reading your post, I was unclear about whether your fear of not being able to defend your children meant that you do in fact have children or if it is something you fear IF and WHEN you have children - so do you have children?

I have children.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

JP

Thank you JP

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