PsychoticSaint Posted June 26, 2008 Report Share Posted June 26, 2008 I don't even know where to start - but I need help and feel so overwhelmed...I guess if I were to sum it up I'd say that I have this sort of self destructive side that used to manifest itself in substance abuse, self harm, and these types of issues; I am clean and sober now except for legal medication; one of which is an opiate; methadone to be specific - but I'm slowly titrating down and hope to one day be completely clean... but that's not my main problem... though it is something that is part of the picture for lots of reasons; the stigma, I actually have had some psychiatrists refuse to see me until I "dealt with my addiction issues" which is so frustrating as I've dealt with my addiction issues for so many years and it's not lack of effort that makes it so that I've had the most success with methadone - I was completely clean for a few years but that time was riddled with relapse - I haven't had a single relapse since being on methadone but I hate being on it; I feel like a failure sometimes - other times I don't - I mean on the one hand I know from my own first hand experience that progress is progress and I shouldn't knock it if it's getting good results; I guess in part I let the 'stigma' get to me - and also deep down I know that I can and will get past it and be free of it completely and I guess I get impatient that I'm not there yet. I just don't know. I just do NOT understand myself. All I know is that I'm miserable.What scares me is how my self destructiveness manifests now - it seems that I am compelled to neglect myself - I refuse to take care of myself - I just don't know how to explain it - but I have the strangest behavior - I just can't seem to care enough about myself to do the most basic things.I have so much more distrust of people - way more than I ever used to - I am always alone - I isolate and have developed the strangest fears. I am sometimes afraid to even go outside, I'm afraid to answer my phone, check my mail - I won't clean my house - I won't do basic things that are good for me. I eat the worst food if I eat at all - I either don't eat or I eat bad food for 'comfort' - I cry alot. I've lost all my ... all my courage, all my spirit, all my dreams all my passion. I can't do anything anymore - I can't do art, or music, things I used to be crazy about - I don't want to be in social situations, I won't go to Church anymore - I can't be happy for other people, I am afraid of the future, I feel ashamed of the past. I'm afraid of water (this is a weird one and hard to explain but I have to plan for a whole day to 'gear up' or 'psych out' for getting in the shower ... this is strange I know... but it might be partly because I have this health problem that makes my legs look real bad and maybe it's that I don't want to be reminded of my disease... I just don't know what it is - I used to absolutely LOVE the water... I swam every day - now I have to psych out as if I was I dunno - jumping off the high dive or walking a tight rope - I'm just scared silly of it. I'm telling you it's the strangest behavior). I'm miserable.I'm not suicidle because I'm too afraid of death.I've tried to get into therapy a couple of times but always end up having problems with paying for it, or something... if it's not one thing it's another... I had one therapist that I was going to and man I was making some headway I told her things that I didn't even fully even realize myself yet I mean I felt like I was making some break throughs but then she moved her office to the South part of town, and I was without transportation; a three hour bus ride made it impossible to go - then to make it even harder she raised her prices - I had to stop going - it's like every time I try to go to therapy something gets in the way or I have to chose between food or therapy or rent and therapy - of course my basic needs have to come first so ... it never seems to go my way...I don't want to be guilty of self diagnosis, but I have my own ideas of where it might all come from - but have no one to talk to.I just feel like I'm going crazy....Seeing it in print it looks silly and trivial but I promise it's not; it's horrible - it's a nightmare and I'm miserable. I don't know what to do. I don't care if I'm not 100% happy all the time, and believe me I've been cured of my wild dreams - I mean to say that I've grown up alot and have more or less come to terms with the fact that there are always aspects of life that I'll just have to accept and - oh I don't know what I'm trying to say...I guess I just mean to say that I can handle alot I just can't handle being miserable all the time.Sometimes I remind myself of the patients I'd see when I did hospice work that had "Failure to Thrive" it's like I just give up....but that's not even the scary part - the scary part for me is that I neglect to take care of myself - I just don't understand my behavior - I guess it isn't that it's so important that I understand it but it is important that I change it; I keep trying, and I start to make progress - but then I just get all screwed up again. I just don't know what to do any more. I know it's not hopeless but I feel so hopeless sometimes.I don't know if any of this makes any sense but I just have a lot of pain; and I really want so much to have life again. What's wrong with me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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