Possible pedophillia

[Joey m]

Hi people, before I begin, my computer is away so please don't mind spelling errors or abreviations because I'm Doing this from my iPod.

Ok, where to start... Uh I guess I should say that I'm a relitivly happy semi healthy 15 year old boy. I am trying to swallow my pride and admit that I am bi or may be gay. I didn't have a really trajgic rape or abusive childhood or anything, but I went though the curious stage that alot of boys experience and I liked it. I was like 9 or 10, and it was so exiting. When ever I think of it or do similar things with freinds my age,( not very often) I love it but I still dream of having a wife and a happy chrisiran family. I am Christian by the way( lol a gay Christian who's ever heard if that one?) I hope that my sexuality is just a stage that I will leave, even though being gay is somewhat thrilling and exciting. My mom says she will still love me if I'm gay but my step dad would literaly beat me if I said I was gay. He's really a great guy but hates gays. I also have my issue of suspected pedophillia. I have extremely intense urges which I know is part of growing up, but they are so frequent that I habitually masturbate so I can sleep or get rid of the thoughts. Don't get me wrong,I do do it for pleasure, but more to get rid of the urge so i can do work or listen to my teacher. I have even done it at school because I get so worked up. I often have thoughts of children, and I try not to. Whenever I am around children it's like an instant urge to go get rid of. I have bathed my sisters son, but I have not even thought of sex with him or touching him. These thoughts are a super turn on, yet they repulse me. I would never, could never molest a kid. I don't want to end up doing it when im older just because I wouldent find help When I was in control. I don't really feel guilty from masturbating, because I know it's natural, and so many people do it. I'm just glad I found this site and read other peiples pages who have a similar problem. It's so good to know that people do care any I can remain annomous. Any thoughts on what I've said?

[TerrifiedUser]

A couple of thoughts:

It sounds to me like you have issues with the idea of being gay. I personally despise homophobia, and I must admit, homophobic christians make me feel very angry, but the fact that you show little animosity towards your step-father, despite his beleifs and your sexuality is quite honourable. I'm sure he may well be a great guy, but maybe you should talk to him about his beleifs and find out where he is coming from. You don't have to come out yet.

About the thoughts: Hmmm well, I would recommend you stop mb to them, and simply try to distract youself, I don't know, turn the lights on and read a book, that puts me to sleep, although I can see it is not simple, as I know a general urge to mb is very strong, but beleive me, if you are in the right frame of mind, it can be overcome. Just out of interest, are these memories purely from your head, or have you seen any "images"

Anyway, If you read my thread, although my situation may differ, my anxieties and fears are quite similar, and should perhaps be a sign of releif. No pedophile would feel enough anxiety to post on a board, and I trust that you probably have enough will-power not to do anything, although I can't be certain. Don't be offended by this, it is simply because I cannot know just by reading a small paragraph alone.

However, ever thought asking, if these thoughts are purely made up, maybe you aren't thinking of kids, I mean, you can't be definitive about the age of the people in your thoughts, if they are purely made up, I mean, I mostly mb to memories too, and sometimes I am unsure of exactly what I am mb over. The fact that the thoughts repulse you is good as well, I hardly beleive a pedophile would be repulsed by his thoughts.

Anyway, welcome to the community, and I hope you find some answers while here.

[Joey m]

I like your thoughts. I almost expected someone to say " how can u live with yourself or you ic bastard" I don't know if you thought I was a homophobe or if my stepdad was. I'm not because I'm more or Less cool with being gay. I asked him before why he hates gays and he said cos their an abomination of mankind of somethink like that. I'm gonna go read your post. You seem like a pretty intelegent person

[Joey m]

I accedently read over something you postd in the reply to me... You asked if I had seen images or if it was memories from when I was younger, they are memories. I have thought on this for a second and have come to realize that the memories were not of pedophilic nature, they were just experiences I had with freinds my age back then and now. Some of my friends also have the similar issue of being homo/bi sexual, with me and each other. I suppose the pedophilic thoughts were halfway made up by my mind when I'm urged, and halfway from just seeing kids in the past. I never saw these kids on purpose, but the one I'm talking about seems to be going thru the stage that I went thru... But I have realized that my mine and maybe everybody elses is something else whebcurged or hornry. Maybe my mine makes stuff up then o get turned on. I hope that's the case because I am sort of curious about why I am having thoughts that arnt mine, that disgust me. What do you think?

[TerrifiedUser]

Good morning Joey.

Would I consider your thoughts of being pedophilic in nature? No, I guess I would not, because as far as I see it, you are re-enacting memories which you at the time may have found to be sexuall. Did you have any sexual experiences at a young age then? That would explain some of the thoughts if so

[Joey m]

yes i did. me and my friend went camping and one of had the idea to "try somthing", i cant remember which one of us. that was the curious stage i brought up in my first post. the only problem, is that no one caught me and told me it was wrong, or spanked me. i think alot of people go thru the stage, and they get caught and end up being normal. i never was caught, so i thought it was alright. i think thats why i have sexuallity issues, 5 years later

[TerrifiedUser]

Well, I don't know if anyone else here agree's with this, but the reason I wouldn't consider mb to memory like this any kind of pedophilic thought, is because you may just be remembering feelings, rather than how say the kids looked or whatever. I mean, I sometimes get pleasurable thoughts when thinking of being with my girlfriend from 13, and I'm 18, and I must admit, it has never crossed my mind that it is pedophilia, but just say nice thoughts of having my first girlfriend, I don't know

[Joey m]

I see what your saying ... I guess I just assotiate the exitemrnt I felt for the first time with what I'm doing. I guess after I sort out this pickle, I want to work on being straight again. I was straight at one time, and now I want to have my former sexuallity back because of religion. It's hard to be gay and Christian, but I have recenly converted to jahovahs witnes and it probably won't help me to be gay. I want to see what that JulianP guy thinks about my problem. He seems so straight forward and tough love kind of caring. I've read some of his replys and I like the way he works. Goodnight, terrible, I will try to get on tomorrow

[JulianP]

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[TerrifiedUser]

Oh yeah, of course, JulianP in his rather excellent post mentioned one very important thing which I forgot:

You cannot be a pedophile at 15. Diagnosis says you must be at least 16, and the subject of interest must be at least 5 years younger.

Anyway, even if you were older, I still wouldn't think you are a pedophile

[Joey m]

Well, thats quite a load off my mind. I really appreciate your thoughts. You guys are mkaing my life easier by the day. only one problem, about the urges. I want to try to solve one problem at a time, so now that pedophillia is out, i need to stop mb'ing. It is normal, and natural, but its a big no-no in the bible. If i'm going to be normal, and commit to my religion, i need to not mb so much. the only problem is that i can't seem to find any way to get rid of urges. When i read, my mind wanders, when people talk(class), i wander. i tried to stop once, and i lasted a week. it seems almost out of control. What do i do?

[JulianP]

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[Joey m]

I kinda see what your saying... I would like to add a few things. Porn is exiting you could say, but I do not watch it all the time. I do not really feel guilt or feel bad before , during, or after mb'ing, because I don't really find it wrong. Just because I do not find it wrong does not make it any less immoral... I was talking to my driver(I ride an intercounty bus to school because I'm out of district), and she has been the one teaching me about jahovah, and she was talking about how mb'ing is self gradification, and that 8 out of 10, it sends the person looking for the real thing. Personaly, I'm just fine with lady Michigan... She(my driver) seems worried because she can't say that she waited for marriage, but this is before she found Jehovah. She says that she would like to have been abstinant. Another thing, safe sex... Our health class is going on and on about sti's and pregnancy, saying abstinace is the only safe sex... Abstinace is not sex. I get pretty pissed because everybody automaticly assumes that because we are teens, it's all sex. I want to be abstinant until I get married to somebody who has similar values. I may have my errors, and many people(excluding you or Terrified) can't see past that. I don't think they realize that I have values. Goodnight JP and terrified, I will talk to you tomorrow.

J.M

[Joey m]

Ok so earlier I talked about how pedophillia seems to be an issue that's not mine, and that I wanted to work on them one at a time. Next in line. . . Coming out. I said earlier that I have sexuality issues, well I'm stressing. It's near the end of the semester, and i need to worry about getting above c's. It's causing me alot of stress because algebra is challenging, and I have alot on my mind. I think it's time to reduce my stress and come out. One of my other friends came out recently, and I want to talk to him about it and see what he thinks. I am just worried what people will think, and Im not sure I'm ready. It would releave so much stress, and I want to get it out. What should I do? Also like I said earlier, mb'ing is natural, but is in natural to do it so much/often that I get bruises, and an arm so tired/sore that I can't lift weights the next day? I just tell my parents that it's muscle straign from lifting(I do lift alot so it's not really a lie)

You guys are older than me, and have been throught similar issues(I assume), what do you think?

[TerrifiedUser]

For coming out, well I guess I don't know where to begin there. Do talk to your friend about it, if you tell him you're in a similar situation, he may well give you a good idea on how people react, and how and how not to tell someone. How many of your close friends know? That would possibly be the best place to start. Take it slowly, and relax.

[Joey m]

None of close friends know I'm gay. I am about to tell one of them, but that's because he thinks we are both bi. It dosent seem to bother him, but I will start with him and the other friend. Thanks for the advice