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Natalie

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Aging in a youth oriented world is not easy. Growing older is a complex mix of experiences that requires adjusting to changes in our bodies, minds, relationships, social roles, and responsibilities. How can you adjust to these changes and how are you coping with this natural part of life?

There is an oft quoted poem called "Warning" by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired

And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

And run my stick along the public railings

And make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

And pick the flowers in other people's gardens

And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

And eat three pounds of sausages at a go

Or only bread and pickle for a week

And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

And pay our rent and not swear in the street

And set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

The poem is obviously a bit tongue in cheek, but I wonder ... what are you doing (or what will you do) when you are older that is different than when you were younger? Do you have any advice for other people who are dealing with aging (or dealing with caregiving)? Or, share your questions with other members of the community.

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Guest ASchwartz

JR and everyone else, I have reached that age: I am 65. In fact, I am retiring but not from writing for Mental Help Net. For now, we are going to Florida but, who knows, Italy has always sounded great to us.

Yes, I agree with you. It is best to reach old age in a condition that is healthy and active. What scares me and most others I know who are reaching our age is Alzheimer's. Not that it's anything I dwell on. In fact, what occupies my thoughts is how to enjoy life as much as possible, regardless of age.

It's funny, whatever 65 is supposed to mean I do not "feel 65."

Allan :P

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest h8cruelty

Dr. Schwartz has the right idea. There comes a time when we should reap the benefits of a life well lived. After a lifetime of giving, it's time to enjoy life to the fullest. Best wishes for a great retirement, Dr. Schwartz.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Survivor,

Thanks, but please remember I will still be here at Mental Help Net.

I wonder what retirement issues there are for others and what the aging issues are for them?

Allan

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Dr. Schwartz,

My husband & I are caring for my parents (both over 80 years old)[ in our home. It is so much more stressful than we ever imagined. It is taking a toll on our marriage. Are there others that would be willing to help me with tips for making this job a little less stressful on our marriage? We used to go on vacations but our funds have been severely limited lately.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Priscilla,

Welcome to our community.

Yes, there is help out there for you, your parents and your husband.

First, I would try Visiting Nurse Service. They have a geriatric unit that would come to your house, do an assessment and let you know what services are available.

If one or both of your parents are suffering from Alzhemers Illness, there is an Alzheimers Association that will provide help.

You should also check your parents' Medicare benefits and find out what services are available.

Check with your local religious institution. The local church, synagague, etc, might provide services.

You should also check with AARP to see what they might connect you with.

There is definitely help out there. I believe that through Medicare or Medicaid they can get at home help.

Have you tried any of this as yet?

Allan

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  • 2 weeks later...

There are several types of options that may help ease your burden. Often, these programs have low or no cost options... you just have to be willing to call around (or email around) a bit to find them. I know this is no small task when you are already overwhelmed, but the end result is worth it.

Adult Day Care, which has programs, activities, etc. for your loved one. This is a situation where you can take your loved one to a center for a period of time.

Respite Programs, which offer brief periods of time (sometimes a weekend or a week) for you to have a break

Sitters, which will come to your home for a few hours so you can run errands, or simply go get a cup of coffee :).

Geriatric Care Managers. These are trained professionals who can (for a fee) help you come up with a care plan and find services (they do all of the legwork for you).

Some places that you might try in order to locate help:

THe National Family Caregiver Support Program

http://www.aoa.gov/prof/aoaprog/caregiver/carefam/carefam.asp

The Elder Care Locator

1-800-677-1116 (support groups, respite services, counselors)

The National Alliance for Caregiving (website, literature)

http://www.caregiving.org/resources/

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  • 3 months later...

Hi All,

To lesson the burden of caring for your parents, you could get on to Social Services and arrange for homecare. In the U.K. you can apply for Social Services to come out and assess the needs of your parents who will write up a care plan and tell you what your parents are entitled to. How many visits per day, e.g Personal care to help with getting up, washing, dressing, breakfast etc. Lunch/dinner visits to assist with meal preporation and evening visits, to assist with undressing and putting night wear on and putting to bed. You could also apply for help with cleaning, laundry, shopping, shower/bath or a companionship call to just sit and listen and keep an eye on while you attend to your every day needs. I must state though, that it all depends on what capital they have to what care they will be provided. If money is no object then you could go private or Hire a carer to look after your parents needs. I don't know how it works in the States, whether you have Social Services or some other form of help that works for the goverment. Over here they have quite a lot of help for the aged. They have varied company's that arrange days out for the aged where they pick you up from your own front door and take you out for the day with lunch included for about £6. Being picked up at 10.00am and dropped of back home about 6.30pm. Like I mentioned before, I don't know how it works in the states but at least it could give you a few idea's. I hope this info was usefull.

Paula:)

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Hi All,

I am up at the wrong time and can't sleep like I used to. I have no one to talk to as I live alone. My life has no particular pattern so I can do as I please. I am limited only by my health, my finances and my imagination. It is a time of great freedom--at least today. I wet my pants occasionally and have no upper teeth--except the store bought ones--so I am reverting to childhood in some ways. Men are no longer sex objects--just friends. Sometimes, on a bad day, I revert to adulthood and do "what is expected of responsible people", but I try to keep that to a minimum. I have more cats than a sane woman and love them all--most days. All my bills are paid by my computer or with ones that change, like utilities, are taken from my account automatically. The bank alerts me daily, by email, of my balance, so I don't write all that stuff down anymore. My neurologist, in checking my mental abilities, asked me for the day of week and date. I explained to him that it was a ridiculous question to ask of older people who are retired because it has little revelance to our daily lives. My email calendar keeps my calendar straight. I put any appointment on it for both the day of the appointment and two days before and promptly forget it until reminded by an email. I no longer worry about a 30 yr mortgage.

I cared for my mom as she gradually slipped back into infancy. Somehow, it was less of a burden when I kept in mind that she had changed my diapers, hand fed me and put up with me until I grew old enough to care for myself. Now, it was my time to return the caretaking---and she could be a handful at times--but so was I. And I was not the perfect caretaker nor she the perfect mom, so it balanced out. It was a healing time for us both as we came to know each other in a very different way. As she slipped away, she prepared me to be without her.

So, what is it like to get old? It is definitely a time to wear purple with red, but I don't sit down on the side walk 'cause I can't get back up.

SuziQ

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Hi SuziQ-

I couldn't stop smiling as I read your post. To me, you are a great example of "successful aging." You have some great ideas about how to deal with daily tasks that don't require so much reliance on memory. Actually, we could all probably benefit from type of similar scheduling set up, regardless of our age.

Your thoughts about caregiving were a fabulous example of CBT in action. Caring for a sick/impaired parent is not a role that anyone wants. But, there are some positives and lessons that can be learned from it, if only you can shift your perspective. And, just like everything else, there will be some really great days (where you feel like you have it all together) and then some days where you feel completely incompetent. As I parent my two children, I have the same experiences across the weeks.

I love your response to the mental status question (day/date)- as a geropsychologist I have asked that type of question to countless numbers of older adults. One of my most favorite clients turned the tables on me one day and asked me if I knew the date. At that moment, I had no idea, which he thought was hysterical. He made a point of dramatically asking me the date every time I met with him from then on :D.

Embrace that purple!!!

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Thanks Natalie,

Mom had mini-stroke dementia. She gradually left over a period of 16 years. I wish others felt as I came to feel about aging parents. It is a wonderful opportunity to heal the wounds that each of us brings from our childhood. It has fun moments and sad ones. My favorite story about Mom was when she was in an assisted living home. I went to visit and she took me into the dining room to introduce me to her friends. She turned to me and said " I can't remember if you are my sister or my mother" I told her I was her daughter. She looked me up and down (I was in my early 60's, gray hair) and pronounced in a loud voice "Oh no you're not! I am NOT THAT OLD." . She fell shortly after that and broke her hip and did not walk again and came to live with me again. She was with me for about 10 yrs before she went to assisted living, was there about nine months, and came home for the last year of her life. She died at home. My childhood angers gradually dissolved over those years and I truly miss my Mom and the child she became. My fondest memory was one day when we were talking about fear of authority. I was tellng her that just because someone had authority, it did not mean that they were brighter than she was. She looked at me and said "I wish you had been my mom" She could have paid me no greater compliment. Whatever our differences, they were gone in that moment and she gave that to me--her trust and her approval. I am sure it would never have happened if she had not lived with me. It was during those last years that I came to truly love her and I am glad she chose me to spend her last years with.

On the night she died, the man who helped care for her came downstairs and I sat at the table and cried "I don't have a mommy anymore" . And I don't and I miss her. I am a mother, a sister, a grandmother, a greatgrandmother, could be a wife or a lover, but I will never again be someone's child ---with all the nuances, both good and bad, that come with being someone's child. We live in the shadow of our parents and when that shadow is gone, then we realize that shadow also shielded us from the glaring sun.

SuziQ

Edited by SuziQ
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Hi All,

For those of you caring for a parent or parents, I would like to say that although I posted about Mom, it was only a part of the story.

I had her in a day care program and got called in for my mistreatment of mom. In front of 5 psychiatrists, I was told that mom was fine and I was abusive, stealing her money and very angry. The more upset I got, the worse I looked. I went to my MD at my wits end. He did an MRI on mom and found the damage done by the ministrokes and sent the report to the program and they watched her more carefully and apologised to me. She had to be taken out of the Senior lunch program as she was telling everyone that I kept her locked in a barn and hurt her. The director, who knew me, came by and suggested that I take her out as someone might report me to Adult Services. She accepted a proposal from a man there and was going to move away with him. She ran away and told the police who found her that I was abusing her. Only when she identified me as her mother did they realize how confused she was, but they checked the house anyway. When she was mending from her hip surgery, I had to go to the place several times a week as she hit, bit and pulled hair of attendants and would only calm down when I came. She cried all one Chrismas Day because she believed I had left her alone for two weeks. She refused to be alone, for even a minute, in public places and insisted I hold her hand. She was like a small child who would only calm down when mom was with her. And, until near the end, I was alone. It was not an easy time for me. I won't tell you all the problems I caused her when I was child, but she still cared for me and mostly loved me. I, mostly, behaved well, but challenged anyone's authority to tell me what to do. She told the story of my acting up in public one day. She said to me "What would you do if you had a child who acted like this?" She said I responded " MY children would not act like this" .

I could see myself in her misbehaviors and found a new respect for what I must have put her through. I had children, but none were such a handful as she was. So, for you who are dealing with an aging parent, if you can remember some of the stunts you pulled as a child on them---it will make it easier-- And a sense of humor will help too.

Suziq

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest ASchwartz

SuzieQ, you are right on target. Funny, but things really change when we go from being the child of the parent to the parent of the elderly parent. Yes, it requires lots of patience.

Allan

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  • 1 month later...
SuzieQ, you are right on target. Funny, but things really change when we go from being the child of the parent to the parent of the elderly parent. Yes, it requires lots of patience.

Allan

I agree with you, I took care of my grandparents when I was still 15 and I have lots of questions on my mother on why is my grandparents wants to do things that are too heavy for them and they keep on insisting to do those thing but they are not capable anymore. But I really cried when she died because she is the one took care of me when I was still a child.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Skysoldier and welcome to our community,

Can you tell us more about yourself, your age now, your parents and grandparents and what it was like to take care of your grandparents? Where were your parents?

I hope you provide answers and discussion.

Allan:)

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest ASchwartz

Hey guys,

Am I the only "older folk" here??? And, don't any of you have moms and dads and grandparents about whom you have concerns. And, you older folk, what, you don't know how to use a computer?? Younger folk, help them out, teach them so they can join us.:rolleyes::)

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Hi Allan

Well I wouldn't put myself in the same catagory as you regarding the old folk! Ha Ha! Only kiddin!

No seriously! My mum's a pensioner. Don't really know how old she is? I'd say getting on for 70. She is classed as disabled. She has Rumitoid artharitus (don't know if I've spelt that right)? Anyway, she can only walk with the aid of two walking sticks and then she finds it very difficult!

My sister is her main carer. she only lives around the corner from her where I live on the other end of town from her. I only see my mum at special occasions. I don't venture out anywhere and where I live, there are a few steps up to my house so she couldn't make the journey. Not that she'd want to anyway. and the few occasion's that I've been to visit her, we have ended up arguing, so I just don't bother.

She's well looked after from my two other sisters. Both my sisters are nurses in hospitals. One of them is a sister of the geriatrics ward. Small world isn't it. You wouldn't think that I was related to two sisters who worked in the N.H.S and was of a high rank in their occupation! I'm just the mental one. I'm the one that they call the retard! well enuf said!

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I'm a full-time care giver for my Dad who's 79, with early senile dementia. We just found out on September 15th that he has lung cancer. He's not a good candidate for surgery because his lungs are so damaged that there's too great a chance he might not survive surgery, so that's been ruled out as an option...

He can take care of most of his day to day needs, but just needs to be monitored for he sake of his safety...

I do my best, and my Mom (who thankfully is in good health for a woman of 78) helps lighten the load somewhat...

But I suffer from bipolar disorder, and can't afford treatment for that, which makes the load I carry that much heavier, and bet that as it is, I keep carrying the load because I know in my heart it's the right thing to do...

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Anyone with a heart is going to care for their parents the best they can. My dad is long dead, but my mother is still with us. Childhood wasn't good. Not at all. And she played a major role in that. But the thing is, she's my mom. Her husband just recently died and she moved in with us for five months. That's all we could handle as her extreme emotional needs, need for continuous drama and her penchant for "adopting" my issues got to be to much. We found a retirement community based on her Social Security Income and I did 10 hours of driving to get home and back to my own medical treatment this past weekend to help her move in.

My mother, Lord could some head Doc make a name for himself with her. And with me. But here she is so disgustingly needy and greatly enjoys being sick and miserable. And she is SO enormously negative in all she says, even if it's ailments her Doctor's cannot find a cause for and she's obviously mimicking mine, even though all of this makes caring for her complicated and frustrating, my wife...who suffered the most during those five months...and I did our bestt o take care of her. But we got to a point where she HAD to live on her own and out of our house. No matter the conversations we had setting boundaries, we would still catch her listening to our conversations through our bedroom door. We would still catch her lying to her counselor about things when he would call us, with her permission, to discuss issues with her.

Man, caring for the elderly when that individual is so very determined to be a life sucking hole of despair and negativity is extremely tough on those who try to provide that care. We were forced to make a change that removed her from our house to preserve our marriage and our sanity. Luckily, my sister knows the deal and is very supportive. Also, my wife's brother, sister-in-law, our best friends of 18 years in the Army and others were able to spend time in our house while my mother was living with us and backed us up completely when the time came to find her someplace else to live.

Doing that job with a person like my mother is life altering. And I tremendously respect anyone who can do it and keep their family intact. We couldn't. You see, I HATE being ill/injured or mentally messed up. I WILL NOT go to Doctor's, I WILL not talk about everything crappy to my family and suck them down into it. I save all of that for the professionals. In the last five years, my wife and kids have heard me complain about my headaches three times. Heard me say something negative about my lot in life twice. The last five years have been torture for them because they knew I was hurting, in pain and they KNEW I wasn't saying anything about it for three reasons.

1. I cannot STAND saying anything that would echo the actions and sentiments of my mother.

2. I knew my family were going to be worried about me. You cannot change as much as i have and not worry them. But they know I made that impact as small as possible in their lives.

3. They know I love them and was trying to protect them by protecting my income in retirement and for the next couple of years it would take me to ge there.

My mother, she would quit before the task is full explained. I set an example of personal strength, the will to survive despite the odds and obstacles. My mother, she tries talking my kids out of Soccer in case they might be hurt. She tried talking my daughter out of going to college because her father "needed her daily."

So there's so many different circumstances to every individual situation. Everyone should feel free to talk about the challenges they've had in providing care. And I know there are those who need care, but have family that aren't there for them.

I pray for all of you dealing with this in one way or another. There's nothing easy about any of it and love ties our binds for better or worse.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Guest ASchwartz

Hi BrainPain,

Actually, lots of people with "heart" refuse to care for their elderly parents just for the reasons you accurately describe. It is just too much to handle. In many families there is one person who often becomes designated as the parental care taker. Sometimes it is a son but often it is one of the daughters. Then, all the other adult children have nothing to do with that care. It is awful because all the responsibility is left to one person. If the elderly parent develops Alzheimer's disease, then the situation becomes even more awful. Yes, it can and has destroyed marriages and lives and I have seen it happen. It is good that you took the necessary steps to have your mother cared for outside of the home.

Allan

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Hi Allan

In many families there is one person who often becomes designated as the parental care taker. Sometimes it is a son but often it is one of the daughters. Then, all the other adult children have nothing to do with that care. It is awful because all the responsibility is left to one person.

It is right what you are saying but think on, in my mums case it is my two sisters. They have the responsibility because they choose to have that responsibility.

I tried to help but got my nose pushed out! Whenever I go and visit my mum, she just sits there with the TV on full blast, and can't even hear when I'm talking to her? She's only 70ish and still got all her faculties!

Me and my older two brother's, just go and visit on occasion's. Why? Because when we go we get the impression that were not wanted? She alway's turned round and said that she only ever seen us three whenever we wanted something, which isn't true! It's not us three who she is paying for stuff in our houses.

Do you know, I'll never forget when I was took in Hospital for trying to commit Suicide! After I had been there nearly a week, I phoned her from my mobile phone, just to reassure her that I was alright! Not that she made any attempt to come and visit me! She asked me why I did what I did? I told her because of the way that I felt. The feeling of not being loved was just to much! Not getting anyone visiting me and the loneliness! As well as my financial situation with losing my job. And do you know what she said to me? If money was a problem, why didn't you ask me for it? so I said could she help me out with my bills, and she said NO! I will buy you food but I'm not paying your bills. I couldn't see the logic in that!

Since I've come out of hospital nothings changed apart from I've got on top of my bills. They are all paid. The lonliness is still there, when I visit she still the same, so I've give over bothering! It's my birthday on the 16th November and I can't win? If I go up, she will say that I've just gone up for something for my birthday, and If I don't go up, then she will say if you don't come up for your card then you get nothing?

To be honest I'd rather not bother. Had enough of the hastle!

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Guest ASchwartz

Oh, Paula,

How well I know of what you speak. Just because I'm a therapist does not mean I did not have my own experiences growing up. I, too, came to realize that I could never win, at least not in my family. Believe it or not, I was considered the "bad child." I wasn't a "good boy" because I wasn't becoming a medical doctor like my big brother. Anything I did in school was never "good enough and it never shined next to my big brother, anyway. So, I know what you mean.

Do you have friends outside of your family? Are there people you can talk to, feel good about and relate to, men and women?

Also, I am sorry to hear that you suffered a loss.

Allan

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Thank you Allan for your concerns!

How well I know of what you speak. Just because I'm a therapist does not mean I did not have my own experiences growing up. I, too, came to realize that I could never win, at least not in my family. Believe it or not, I was considered the "bad child." I wasn't a "good boy" because I wasn't becoming a medical doctor like my big brother. Anything I did in school was never "good enough and it never shined next to my big brother, anyway. So, I know what you mean.

Do you know Allan, the same here, but I was the eldest of three daughters but have two older brothers.

Because my two younger sister's work in a Hospital as Nurses, and are of a very high ranking. One's a Sister in charge and the other's a sister, that because instead of working in a hospital, I actually when in hospital as a Patient on a Psychiatric ward, I have brought shame on the family! Yes! it was the same hospital that my sisters work in, but not the same ward!

I remember saying to my mother, after being discharged from the hospital, "is that all you can think about, me bringing shame on the family! What about me? do you not understand why I did what I did?" And she replied to me that if I wasn't as stupid (dyslexic) as I was, then I too could be working in a hospital? I told her that I didn't want to go working in an Hospital, that all I wanted was for her to love me like she loved my other two sister's. And do you know what she said, I've just blew of whatever chances I had by doing what I did!

That really messed me up in the head! I couldn't get my head round it! It cut me up so much that I tried commiting suicide again. Well you can imagine what she thought of me then...

Do you have friends outside of your family? Are there people you can talk to, feel good about and relate to, men and women?

Because of what my life entails (and I'm not looking for sympathy here) I don't have any friends or family for that fact apart from my son. Because I won't let myself have any friends! I know you shouldn't think that everyone's the same, but to me they are!

To be honest Allan I don't ever want to feel like my mother made me feel, (rejected) so the only way to avoid that is to keep myself to myself. It is lonely, very lonely, but I can handle that, just about! I can't handle rejection again, ever!

The biggest thing about it is the HURT! It's hurt me so much/still does, and I think this is why I've got all this anger inside me? I'de just like to know why I was born! Criminals have a better life than I have! I wouldn't hurt anyone physically I mean! I would just like to know why I'm being treated like a leopar by my own family? This is probably why I'm always on the defensive all the time, on this site. Because I like coming on this site, I'm scared of being rejected yet once again!

I just feel soooo low at the moment! And YES the thoughts of suicide are crossing my mind! I don't know how to handle this Allan? This is a BIG one!

At this moment all I've got going through my mind is why couldn't it be me who was found dead? I know that I might be a bit selfish in thinking that but who cares. No one cares about me, why should they, the one who has tried to commit suicide twice before and can't even do a good job of that? Mark my words though, the next time I will make sure I do a good job of it! Allready making plans now! YOU CHANGE FOR ONE OF TWO REASONS - YOU LEARN ENOUGH TO WANT TO OR - YOU'VE BEEN HURT ENOUGH, YOU HAVE TOO!

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