lifelong loneliness

[panamathebum]

Well to start with I'm a 26 year old man and for my entire life I've had feelings of loneliness. I haven't had a girlfriend in 4 years. I have always been kind of my own kind of person. Never really dressed, talked, or acted the same as a lot of others around me but that's not where my feelings stem from i take pride in the fact that I'm an individual. My whole life I was passed around from relative to relative neither one of my parents really cared about anything but parting and doing drugs. when i was 7 my mom left me at our house in the middle of nowhere because she got drunk and ran some people off the road so when she bailed out of jail she took off. i hadn't met my dad till that point and the only reason he took me was cause it was either i go with him or go to foster care. he had just married a woman with three other kids and i landed directly in the middle of the age groups. well this woman didn't like me cause the person my mom ran off with was her ex boyfriend. my step mom used to tell me she hated me every day that i was worthless and no one did or would ever love me. i made straight a's in school but she used to make me sit at the kitchen table and read hooked on phonics while her, my dad, and her kids had a family night. i got to watch thru the window alone at the table. used to play sports but none of my family ever showed any support my dad never came to a single game but he coached my step brothers teams. oh yeah and at that point they decided something was wrong with me so the fed me all kinds of pills and took me to all kinds of shrinks and locked me up in mental institutes. but i place no blame for my problems mentally or socially on my parents or other people for that matter. i place all the blame on myself.

when i turned 11 i got in a fight with my step siblings and my step mom ran down the stairs naked to scream at me and lock me in the basement till my dad came home. when he came home he broke my jaw in two places and threw me up two flights of stairs and choked me till i stopped breathing when i came to my step mom was giving me c.p.r.. My mom came and picked me up that night.

now granted i was a difficult person back then i have always did what i wanted no matter how bad i was punished.

then when i was 13 my mom got drunk and flipped out on her boyfriend and got beat up really bad. so when i tried to help her she got mad and pinned me down and broke my arm. my dad had to come pick me up and him and his wife divorced because of it. then i got locked up for 6 months in a mental institution and they were amazed i wasn't nor had ever been suicidal. they always told me that it was the people around me that were the problem.

i got locked up on my 14 birthday. but after six months i failed the program.

i don't know why i'm going in to all that i guess if u know the story it helps in understanding a little better. but anyway i got out and my dad had a new wife she was really cool she acted like she loved me a lot and she had a big family so for the first time in my life i was part of a family. big family camping trips and all that stuff. that lasted for about ten years. her and my dad had two sons when i was 17 and when i was 20. my dad started getting into a bad drug problem and they seperated. at about the same time i went on a bad drug spell trying every drug i could find that i could snort or smoke but i never became addicted. now i only smoke marijuana, heavily. it helps but i live in a state where it's not used in a medical sense it's just illegal so i got in trouble for it a lot. never sold anything i'm just a user. but anyway the whole time she was calling me to help her with the boys which i don't mind i care about them more than anything. she was like the mom i never had i could tell her anything and she loved me unconditionally it was great. but then she met another man who didn't want me to see my brothers because she wanted to start her life over and there was no room for me in that new life. so now she won't even answer my calls or let me see my brothers but every few months and that's sketchey.

but anyway i had a string of crazy girlfriends who would cheat and lie to me so i decided i wouldn't date or really get to know a woman for a few months. i live in a place where if your not rich or mean u can't really find anything it's a little place.

but then i got better and tried to date. problem is i can't find a girl that likes me in that way they all have other people or just aren't interested so i got to watch them go to guys that treat them like trash.

i don't know i really don't let that bother me i just blow them off and try to find another girl. the thing is all the girls i meet just want to get physical a couple of times then go off to the next guy. and for a long time i have had this wall built up around me and inside it are my feelings where no one will ever be able to reach them. lots of people want to hang out with me but i've pretty much locked myself in a little room for the past two years and stopped caring about anyone or anything. i feel like it's my lot in life to be alone that i'll never find anyone who loves me. every one who has told me they did has abandonded me. many shrinks have told me that i'm fine i just need to change the people in my life like cause i'm not trying to kill myself i'm ok. but i've tried that and now i'm left with almost no one. i keep all this stuff inside and don't let anyone see it but people know they just think i'm weird. and now every time i meet a girl that shows me the least intrest i go a little nutty cause i would give anything to just find one person who loved me for more than a physical way. so i get way to attached way to soon and i know it. so i usually just back away cause i expect them not to care. i just feel like how could anyone care about me i'm worthless.

so in the past four years there haven't been alot of girls i've seen i think maybe 4 or 5 but that was only a physical once or twice thing.

but a girl just started working with me and from the first day she was all over me. she came over one night and we had alot of fun. after that night she tells me she's on her way to my house then never shows up or calls and when she does it's just excuses why she left me hanging and her saying don't be mad but i'm not mad at her i'm mad at my self for letting her get to me. normally i wouldn't let it bother me but for some reason when she does it it does bother me and i start feeling sad and used and lied to. every time i tell her if she lets me down again i'm done with her but then she smiles at me and i can't stay mad.

i don't know what my point is but now i've told her to stop calling me and stop coming by.

i was feeling ok before this for once in my life sure i was lonely but i've always felt that way but it was getting to where i was numb to it, and i wasn't feeling sad i just didn't care about anyone not even myself anymore. when u stop caring u stop caring whether the people around you are alive or dead i just want them to leave me alone and that's no way to live i know that. but i can't help it i just always feel alone and unloveable and i don't know why. i've never been suicidal but now i find myself feeling like i don't want to be alive anymore. like i'm just waiting to die. and having thoughts about killing myself even though i would never do it i can't harm myself like that i don't have the resolve. i just want to crawl in a hole where no one will ever find me and wait to die. and i hate feeling that way all the time but i've felt this way for as long as i can remember. i haven't ever told anyone about that before how can i. i'm lost and i don't know what to do. i can't ask for help cause the only one who can help me is me no one else can i put all the blame for everything on myself. and i hate people feeling sorry for me.

i don't know if anyone will even read all this stuff. but i expect them not to i expect people to not like me or to betray me it's all i've ever known. even my best friends i don't trust anyone i feel like i'm this little island floating in a sea of animosity. like any minute the people i do somewhat trust will just not want to be around me anymore. i don't blame them no one wants to be around someone who is so on edge. i hide my feelings well always with a smile and a joke.

well i don't know if this will help me but thought i'de give it a try if anyone has any comments i'de like to hear your input. i want to believe that i'm not alone that there are lots of people like me out there. but i'm just so lonely i don't think i can take it anymore i feel like it's driving me crazy. well i hope this does some good.

thanks.

Edited July 5, 2008 by panamathebum

[Mark]

Panama,

That's a long and troubling history you relate. You've been neglected rather fiercely for most of your childhood; which is a form of child abuse. It's not surprising, I guess, that you'd have some trust issues as a young adult. neither is it very surprising that you would end up with superficial relationships such as you describe (with your coworker, for example).

Welcome to our community. You are certainly not the only person here who has experienced a fair amount of troubling abuse. If you invest a little time here reading about and responding to what others are dealing with, I think they will invest time in you. That is how relationships are built.

It would be helpful somewhat, to this effect, to make your posts a little shorter and less rambling, for the simple reason that when they are shorter and more to the point of what you are feeling or thinking or questioning, they are much easier to respond to

Mark

[xaq75]

Sometimes I wish I could just reach out through the screen and hold some of you. Words can be so limiting, inadequate.

I'm often lonely and can get into a state of mind where I actually embellish it, like I have a relationship with lonliness, feeding it and nurturing it with thoughts and 'tapes' of thought that go round and round, remembering bad events. I need to stop being paranted by it and start doing the parenting with it ... not sure how to though.

I'm not sure if this rings any bells for you.

Edited July 25, 2008 by xaq75

[janetb65]

You matter.

You are in this universe for a reason, a wonderful reason.

You are not alone.