how to deal with mom?

[nicole]

I am 24 years old in a couple weeks and about to have my first child. I would like for this to be a happy time for me and it was until my mom found out and wanted to be an active part of my life again.

My mom had me when she was barely 18 and I was exposed to several of her boyfriends fights with boyfriends and fights with family over the years. She left my father before I was born saying that he was a bad father to his son and she didn't want me to be like that. When she told me about him finally anyway. When she went to jail when I was in third grade I was passed though a family of drug addicts for a while until I finally went to stay with my grandpa. It was then that I finally got a taste of what it was like to have a normal peaceful life and surprisingly even in the absence of my mother I was happy. Eventually she got out and a while later remarried to her second husband who had a son a few years younger than me. He was an alcoholic and they both smoked weed a lot. As we got older it seemed like she became more of a recluse and more abusive than ever. If she wasn't smoking weed in her bedroom in which we were never allowed to enter (it had a locked deadbolt on it) than she was yelling about something. She would call me names and just yell and yell for hours sometimes. Sometimes she would get physical. I guess the point is she made me feel like I had nothing to live for. I hated the way she would torment my brother making him cry every morning over something as simple as brushing his hair. Nothing was ever the way she wanted it. Once I tried to call the police because both her and her husband were being so verbally abusive and then she started pushing and hitting me and I was trying to escape to next door where my grandpa lived to use the phone because she unplugged all the phone lines in the house and then she called the police and said that i had attacked her. That night they took me to a facility and gave me 51-50. I have to admit I did want to die but I would have never killed myself i just kept telling myself just five more years, just four more years. Counting the days until it was over. The day I turned eighteen I took whet I could and left. I slept in the car I bough with the money my grandpa had put away for me and I couldn't bear to face her or even talk to her for almost an entire year. But I kept thinking she might get better. When I did finally talk to her she started to convince me that things were going good. But when I would visit home I would see the way she treated my brother and my cousin I could see it wasn't. The more contact I had with her the more she started going back to the way she was. One day she would say how proud she was of me and how intelligent and then if she would somehow change her mood suddenly I am any number of horrible things.

So I moved four hours away. I was starting to feel happy. Even though life had it's ups and downs it felt like a normal life. I just kept my distance and tolerated the visits on holidays whether or not my christmas would be merry. But now that she has found out I am having a baby she has decided to come visit for every doctors appointment even though she has never come up here in the last two years. The last time she came to visit she sat right between me and the baby's father and when we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time he wasn't beside me. She Then told me she wanted to come stay with us for two weeks before and after the baby, and then three days a week after it is born. She also said that Matt (my fiancee) was abusing our dog by brushing it too hard and claiming that he seems to be a bully. He definitely is not he loves the dog and he is very kind and supportive. I understand she probably had good intentions but when I told her that I thought staying with us that much was too much and I told her how I felt about her taking matt's place at the appointments she just said "i have to go" and hung up on me. I let her know I wanted her to be a part of it and that she was always welcome to visit (no matter how much doubt I had and worried about the stress on me and the baby) but she stopped calling four times a day and stopped all contact with me. It was both a relief and a disappointment. I wrote her a letter saying how I want her to be involved but I want her to take her place in this and not take over matt's place or mine and respect my feelings. I told her the emotional instability needed to be addressed as it was adding more to the stress in this time that I would like to enjoy and she ignored it for three days. Then texted me acting like nothing happened. When I asked her for a response she began with sarcasm. She said "I will not apologize" about six times. "I will not apologize for trying to be close to you". She told me that I use people and that my grandpa "did more for me than I ever deserved". I tried again with another letter and all I got was "so what exactly do you think is the problem?" But I had already explained that. I am so tired. It feels useless. I am worried about my health and the health of the baby. I have so much more to say but I know this message is difficult and long to read already, what can I do now?

[Joseph]

Nicole,

I have recently moved out from my parents house, and I did so because they were intent on controlling every little detail in my life, and being as independent as I am, well you know how that works. Now my parents want back in to my life, but they refuse to admit they were wrong in some situations, or just apologize for times they wronged me in the past. They just want to have at least SOME control over me.

I am no professional, but I will offer my advice as it is.

You are an independent and strong woman. You don't need your mother by your side. You want her to be involved, but for her to be involved in your life, it has to be on YOUR terms, not hers. You have been through much in your life, and she needs to treat you more like an equal. Untill she agrees to be involved in a way that is satisfactory to you, it will be better for you and your baby to not let her interfere with your lives!

I know you care about her, but this is about you. Look out for yourself and your happiness, and if she wants to be a part of that process in a way you want, all the better!

Hope this helps a little, and congrats on the baby and the engagement!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Nicole,

I want to say, first, that I fully agree with Joseph. Joseph, you "hit the nail right on its head" when you said that Nicole is independent and does not need her mother.

Nicole, I am not so sure that your mother "means well." I believe it would help you if you read about Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course, I do not know your mother and, so, I am guessing, but I suspect that your mother has borderline personality disorder. There is a fine book entitled "Understanding the Borderline Mother." It is worth reading but you can also read the articles on this site about Borderline Personality. By reading I believe it will help you free yourself from this woman who was never there for you and, even now, does not control her temper and says mean things to you.

In other words, you did deserve the help and support that your grandfather gave to you. Also, you are correct in protecting your husband from the mean things your mother falsely accuses him of.

NIcole, protect yourself, your husband and your baby, when the baby is born, from this woman who sounds extremely destructive to me and, I suspect, to Joseph.

Allan

[nightfalls]

Hi Nicole,

Congrats on your baby on the way!

I think that before and after the baby is born is such a busy, stressy time anyways and you most certainly do not need any additional stress or chayos, or other people interferring regardless of who they are or how well ment there intentions are. You and your partner need each other the most and you need as calm of an environment as you can make. I think that having someone stay over would add so much stress on you that is soooo not helpful. I hope that you can have the space you need to welcome your baby into a calm environment. Your mom can meet the little one when you are comfortable and feeling more in control the same as all visitors. Please don't feel the pressure such a beautiful occasion brings you do not owe anyone anything. This is your beautiful occasion and you call the shots! Do what you feel comfortable with and don't feel bad if anyone is upset with your desision that is for them to deal with be strong and know that you are doing the best thing for yourself and your baby and your new family.

Please take care of yourself and rest and sleep much!

[nicole]

Thank you so much to everyone who offered advice! It really helps to have an outside opinion. It is still a really difficult situation but it really gives me some strength to go with my gut feeling when I read all of these words of encouragement. I almost gave in and almost let her back into my life and pretend like nothing has happened again, but I really want her to get some help. From what I know of borderline personality it does sound like a good possibility. She has been on medication before, but doesn't take it anymore. She has gone to counseling but never seems to make progress. Anytime she hears something from them she doen't like all the sudden the counselor is an idiot or a quack and she stops going. I just hope that if she really wants to be a part of our lives again that she will be more openminded and accept the help she needs next time. Until then it is good to know I can focus on me and my family again. Thanks everyone.