Can someone tell me what is wrong with me?

[Dylan]

OK, I have this incredibly twisted fetish of some kind where I'm obsessed about being kicked in the balls... I can think of several reasons why this started from my childhood, but the fact now is that I feel almost OCD about it, as in I obsessively think about it, look up anime, videos, video games, etc. that have animations for it...

I've went through phases where I would purposefully fall of my bike or hit myself with a racket ball when I was around 12. I had an obsession for it and I remember one Christmas morning I couldn't get to sleep so I passed the time thinking about a man getting hit in the testes by a woman... I can masturbate to these thoughts. I later decided it was twisted and stopped indulging in it for two years. I was disgusted by my sexual reaction to it so I suppressed it. Well, for the last year, it has been coming up again every other month or two and I feel like I can't control it. If I'm alone with nothing to do, or sometimes stressed/depressed, that is usually when it comes up and I lose discipline and indulge. I always feel very guilty about it. I have found other people with this similar thing, and it's called "ballbusting", but I don't want to enjoy it because I don't want to be infertile and it probably can damage me in other ways not really known because the testicles are such a vital part of the male body.

What is wrong with me? I am a 17 year old male. I have theories about it, like for example I've never had a close/sexual relationship with a girl and it makes me kind of crazy sometimes... Or this sexual fantasy is like a forbidden fruit to me... I have no idea. Please help, and say more then just "go see a shrink".

I would dismiss it as an temporary adolescence phase, but I have had experiences with this problem sense I was 12 years old before I went through puberty. I am a "late bloomer" and wasn't really attracted to girls before this year.

EDIT: I will give you more background that could be helpfull.

I have had a very happy sturdy childhood. In my teens it got shaky and have had some rough spots but that could be considered normal. I have had these desires before experiencing normal teen angst like depression that comes and goes. I have a brother.

I have had incidences like where a girl would elbow me near my crotch for her to get a shot during PE basketball, which is kind of dominating in a way. The incident that had the most effect on me was this one middle school wrestling match I saw this video where a boy was wrestling a girl and during a match the gril would bluntly knee him in the crotch as he tried to pin her down. She would low blow him badly enough that the boy would lose his position for example. And the referee never called it. I have acted that out with a stick or whatever and prented I was wrestling when I was around 13 years old...

Sorry if this sounds crazy but this is true and I really want to know what is wrong with me.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Dylan,

I can assure you that what you are describing is not crazy. This is what happens when sex and pain become associated or connected. Sadly, this happens when there has been all kinds of abuse while growing up.

Is there any chance that you could start getting psychotherapy with someone you could come to trust?

Can you tell us more about your growing up? Am I guessing right that you expienced abuse while growing up?

Allan

[Dylan]

Hi Dylan,

I can assure you that what you are describing is not crazy. This is what happens when sex and pain become associated or connected. Sadly, this happens when there has been all kinds of abuse while growing up.

Is there any chance that you could start getting psychotherapy with someone you could come to trust?

Can you tell us more about your growing up? Am I guessing right that you expienced abuse while growing up?

Allan

Thank you.

Basically I have had a very happy childhood, had friends and good times at least and have never been "abused" to my knowledge. My parents almost divorced when I was around 8 years old because of my father's affair with a co worker. He would even take me and my brother to her house for "secret visits" (we weren't suppose to tell my mom, but my brother did anyway which resulted in arguments. I wouldn't tell though because I was the good kid who listed to his parents) and me and my brother would be sent upstairs to watch TV or something... She had a big aggressive dog that barked... Creepy house... It was weird for me I remember. The co workers' sister even baby sat me when my parents would see a movie, my mom ignorant that their mom was sleeping with my dad. My mom finally found out though... Lots of arguing and yelling among my parents then. I only have two or three memories of that period so I can't tell much about it. But, about three years later, after my parents already forgave each other and made up, I caught my dad online chatting with younger woman and knew what he was doing was wrong and could end up in my parents divorcing. I kept it to myself mostly (besides my best friend and trying to tell in a coy way to my mom I think once, but she didn't pick up on it I guess) and always planned on confronting my dad, but before I knew it he was arrested for attempted pedophile (for younger girls). Also, to some extent, I'm what they call an "emotionally embellished child", meaning that I was like the golden child of the family who was perfect and could do no wrong... Given to much freedom and lacked a parental connection with my parents, meaning I had no parents that would criticize me, discipline me and give me advise (lacked this connection) so this made unhealthy dynamics that later hurt me in my early teen years... Became a loner for a while with weird principals... In short I was emotionally immature. I've recently connected with my parents on a real child and parent level though and have the discipline and traditional parental love I sort of lacked (I believe) and have been connecting with people again. I've made this observation through a (credible professional college degree author) self-help book. This is the only kind of "abuse" I really had that I know now at age 17.

I've already had a half a year of therapy (for basic depression/chronic fatigue) and I know my parents won't take me again, first reason being that we have no money because of the current economy (my mom lost her job). I won't be able to see a shrink of any kind till I'm 18 when I could possibly get a job to support myself.

What do you think of me though? I'm willing to buy self-help books or listen to what you say. I'm very motivated to get rid of what I believe a sexual perversion.

[shye1]

Thats interesting Dylan. I would say my experience growing up was similar to yours, although I think you had a tougher time than I did with the secrets you had to keep. I also feel I was like the golden child, given too much freedom because I was the responsible one. The smart one. My parents definitely weren't authority figures in my life. I don't remember any kind of abuse either. But my parents almost divorced too. I think my dad had an affair, I don't know for sure because they've never really talked to me about it. But I remember the yelling, the fights and smashing plates. And I seem to have developed a sexual problem as well. Our similarities are interesting. I've always wondered where did it come from? Don't you wonder? It's so confusing. I wish I could offer you some guidance but I'm still searching

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Dylan,

What do I think of you? I want to answer that question. Of course, we know each other only through these exhanges of posts here at Mental Help Net. My immediate reaction to your question was and is that I like you a very great deal. The reasons why is that, from reading your posts, I have the impression of a young man who is intelligent and thoughtful and sensitive. In fact, it even occurs to me that if you wanted to, you could become a really good psychologist.

I am sorry to hear about your family's economic problems. Yes, these are very hard times for the people of our country. Therefore, your use of self help books is excellent. I urge you to get some self help books that teach you how to use cognitive behavioral therapy. One really good and useful manual is by a wonderful psychiatrist by the name of Burns. Dr. Burns is author of a number of books called "Feeling Good." You want the "Feeling Good Handbook" because that will teach you how to reduce your depression and anxieties.

What do you think?

Allan

[Dylan]

Do you know any self books about sexuality issues like mine?

[shye1]

Hey Dylan, I don't mean to be insensitive to your concerns but is it possible you're into S&M? I understand why you wouldn't want to be kicked down there because of the damage it might cause, but maybe there are other ways you could achieve the same aphrodisiac, so to speak. Someone correct me if I'm giving a bad suggestion here. I'm just thinking about it from another perspective that maybe this isn't a problem that needs fixing, but maybe something you could embrace?