Introducing my drug use

[Schillaci]

Hi there,

I'd like to introduce myself within the context of addiction and impulse problems. The majority of the time I've been aware I am pedophile, I've spent using drugs or engaging in obsessive Internet surfing. While I wouldn't call myself addicted, I do have lots of experience on this topic.

My school years were filled with alcohol, and my university days with pot. Nothing that out of the ordinary, but pot became my way out of the pedophile life. Just wanting to get away from it all. I tried my best to live my life with dignity. I refused to live in secrecy, and I maintained that I could use this pedophilia positively, as a sort of talent to relate to children. But I can assure you, it's an immensely stressful way of living, and with pot use creating additional difficulties I eventually had a breakdown.

I managed to lay off the weed for nine months and rebuilt my life. Still, the hardships of pedophilia, and the consequences of my arrogant stance in the past, kept putting a gloom over my daily life. I decided to give drugs a second chance, due to lack of better alternatives. That's basically the situation I'm in today; I engage in varied and moderate drug use. Moderate: ever since my pot addiction, I simply loath the feeling of not being in control. That has become my inner safety mechanism. That's not to say I don't have periods I use a lot, just that I have to perceive myself to be in control throughout. I hate being a pedophile, but I hate being an addict even more. Varied: I make sure to alternate drugs, to spread the physical risks and to live things up a little. I alternate between hash, psychedelics, alcohol, dextromethorphan, XTC and amphetamines. Deliriants used to be in the list, but I dropped them due to health reasons.

While I maintain I have my drug use under control, I submit that it's far from an ideal life style. I still have a potential to reach, so I'm constantly looking to cut back. Perhaps this place can help me with that?

Much love,

Schillaci

[amberlyn]

Schillaci,

My heart simply goes out to you. I don't know that I'm the person to help you with this situation but I want you to know that I see you as a very strong individual for reaching out. That shows such strength of character. In my experience of drug use, I've learned that it was also to cover up for things that I didn't want to deal with. My drug use was/is usually because I don't deal well with feelings. I don't like feelings, I don't know how to handle them, so I turn to something that helps me not feel. It's nice & it's an easy road ... but it's not the most beneficial. I can definitely see that you would use the drugs to cover up for the pedophilia. But for people that don't want to live that life anymore, we have to face our fears. We have confront the issue head-on & head-strong. You seem like you would be able to do that, if you gave yourself the chance. I hope that you find it within yourself to deal with your feelings, your pedophilia, & your drug use. And we are all here to help & support you in whatever ways possible. I may not know much about your situation, but if you ever need to talk, you can always PM me Take care.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Schillaci,

Wow, that is quite a poignant story and says a lot about the kind of guy you are: really, really wanting to get rid of the pedophile urges.

You are not "an addict." You are a person and you are dependent on drugs.

Look at the positive side of this (yes, there is one). You were trying to find a drug that would take away the pedophile urges. Interesting. Have you spoken to a psychiatrist about what medications might be available to help you with this??? I am not saying they exist but...maybe something healthier than alcohol could help???

Allan:)

[Schillaci]

Hi amberlyn,

Thank you for your extremely kind reply. You can relate to the essence of it, not wanting to deal with those emotions of sadness, worthlessness, jealousy, anger, nausea... If the record skips it's perfectly reasonable to lift the needle, right? But if you want to keep listening, you better start loving house music.

I'm having a lump of hash that'll last me a small week. So somewhere next week I can try sobriety with this forum as support. Perhaps some magic will happen, who knows.

Hi Allen,

It's not so much stopping the urges as much as stopping to care about the urges. Being high makes the difference between having an orgasm followed by suicidal thoughts or having it followed by laughing hard at the immense absurdity of it all.

That said, killing my sex drive is still somewhere on my list of things to try. But as far as I understand, it takes away the sexual urges, but the emotional urges remain. I'd still feel as a pedophile, because I'd still have an urge to see pretty children. And perhaps it will be annoying not having the option of rubbing one out to make it go away for a while... Also, I find it hard to imagine how lowered testosterone would influence my everyday behavior. Nothing like some good old male rage to get stuff done. What will be left for me if I lose that as well? I don't know. Only one way to find out, I guess. Not too soon though. I tried effexor two months ago, and still have the occasional chest pains from that.

Much love,

Schillaci

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Schillaci,

You do not know how you would feel or what you would think if you were on the right medication. I have no idea what the right medication could be. I do know that hash, etc. is not the answer. I really recommend a psychiatric consult to see what options might be available. In fact, in some ways, that may be more important that sobriety. I do not mean that sobriety is umimportant but just that the first priority is medication and the second sobiriety.

Allan

[Schillaci]

Allen,

You assume the doctor's drugs are better for me than mine. I'm sorry, but I don't follow that assumption. I am willing to be proven wrong, but nor St. John's Wort nor Effexor have worked out for me. For one, I hate the fact the therapies last for at least several months. Every once in a while I desire sobriety, which I can now choose at will.

Much love,

Schillaci

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Schillaci,

Actually, I am not making that assumption although I can understand why you might think so. And, I am not thinking of the drugs you mention or of any drugs for that matter. I am just thinking out loud that, and asking out loud if there is something out there that could be better and that could help you cope better. That was my thinking and, frankly, I do not feel I am on very firm ground. I am impressed at the efforts you have made but, of course, addiction is not the way to go.

Allan

[amberlyn]

Schillaci,

I'm glad that you see that I can understand. Sometimes, it helps just to know that you're not alone. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I hope you find yourself starving for sobriety. I know that sobriety isn't the easiest way to deal with life & definitely not the most fun ... but I've had my moments where something happens (or maybe something doesn't happen) that makes me crave sobriety; I feel that life won't get any better without it. I guess it sounds kind of harsh, but sometimes that's what we need. Keep your head up & know that everything we do in life is by our own choice. Mold yourself into who you WANT to be.

[Schillaci]

Hi Allen,

I'm using my drugs for quite some time now, and until my productivity really came to a halt half a year ago, I was pretty much able to function more or less. Of course I largely functioned despite using drugs, but there's an aspect to it all that made me function because of the drugs as well. My artistry comes to mind. I wouldn't have the skills I possess now if it weren't for the many psychedelics I have consumed the last couple of years. My drugs have gained a purpose beyond sedation, and I am not willing to give that up.

The periods I've been coping best have been periods in which I was mostly sober, and indulged in drugs for short periods of time. Weekly a few hits of hash, monthly a psychedelic trip, something like that. That's my ideal, that's how I could stay productive and creative while living in social isolation with my mental illness. I explicitly mention staying creative, because I have no people around me telling me what to do. Any action I undertake has to be motivated from within. On effexor I found myself doing absolutely nothing, because I didn't feel that creative energy flowing. I'm sure I'd make an excellent factory drone on effexor, but it kills my intrinsic motivational drive.

This means I'm not looking to get off my drugs forever, or replace them with other coping drugs. I'm looking to continue using my own drugs responsibly, like I've been able to in the past. Perhaps they'll be replaced with a form of non-chemical coping some day, but those forms of coping will have to prove to be better first.

Alan, I'm sorry if I sound defensive. The relationship between me and my chemicals is deep and complicated, words like "dependent" and "addicted" do not do justice to it. Reading those words makes me feel like I'm being stereotyped. Which is understandable, seeing how few people seem to succeed in using drugs responsibly, but it also makes me feel thoroughly misunderstood. I hope you can understand that.

Hi amberlyn,

You bet I starve for sobriety! I crave it in similar way I crave intoxication. I've grown to like beginning all over with a head wiped clean with periods of pleasure, cleared of every negative thought. Well, every negative thought except the thought "oh god, I wasted X amount of time again", that one's always quite the challenge. And it grows harder over time because all that wasted time gets piled up, and probably will come back to haunt me one day. But I'll get over it. I usually get over it.

Two hits of hash left at the moment. It's almost time. Wish me luck!

Much love,

Schillaci