Broken Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 I have finally lost all hope for myself...I dont know where to go or how to get help. I dont even know where I fit in these topic areas. My issues have progressed and I realized today that this started in my early 20s (I am 37 now). I used to exibit occasionnal binge eating, reclusiveness and hoarding trash/not cleaning and a general weird feeling like something was off. This would all happen at once first once every 6 months for a week or so, then ocurring more frequently as time slowly passed. This is now my entire life and then some. My sister passed away in 2004 and I think that my depression has increased, but all of these issues below have been occurring and getting worse and worse since before then, probably close to 8 years now regularly, but I think my mental illness (if that is what it is?) has been progressing for a good 14 years now.I feel like I have ruined my life and that almost everything I do is damaging to myself. I have the following issues and then some:I binge eat most every meal now, I would say 95%, sometimes 100%; I feel I am starving all of the time. I weigh almost 300 lbs now. There was a time that I was able to diet sometimes, but I am no longer able to do it. I was once very beautiful - I was even an exotic dancer in an upscale gentleman's club in Dallas, Tx in my late teens/early 20s. I have weird hair growth on my neck and face, horrible skin, toenail fungus and badly callous feet that I have had to accept for a good number of years since no treatments ever worked. I feel great shame in this along with my severly overweight body.I cannot concentrate and feel confused ALL of the time. I cant complete anything I start. I am unable to complete menial, every day tasks like showering and brushing my teeth. I havent gotten the mail in almost 3 months and it has long been returned. I have money in the bank but cant bring myself to pay bills for months at a time and have ruined my credit. I fear I will lose my house or car someday. I cannot take pills or do anything that requires a routine. It almost makes me physically sick to perform anything in a routine manner...difficult to explain. I cannot wrap my head around anything anymore. I feel like if one little thing is off, like a lightbulb is burned out, that I cant change it, so everything else in a great chain of things has to also be off in order to balance it...i know...confusing and hard to put this into words.I hoard trash and weird items in my home and car; I am unable to clean or do laundry; My cats poop on the floor, discusting smells come from the kitchen and I just leave it, I do horribly gross habits of leaving other unsanitary things aroundI think I am a hardcore hypochondriac. There is always something wrong with me. Headaches, sleeping disorders, abdominal pains, lumps found on scans, etc. but each and every thing they tell me is 'idiopathic' but I feel real pain. But at each pain or problem I 'think' and hope that I am terminally ill, like I have a brain tumor or cancer, but tests dont show that I do. I wish I did. I fantasize and wish that I will have cancer or some terrible illness, I almnost get relief and excited when a pain comes so that I can think it could be serious. I wish daily that I would be killed or could die in order to be free, but could not commit suicide as my sister died a few years ago and it would kill my parents to lose us both. I do have plans in my head that once they die I would.I cant perform my job and fear I wont be able to fake it for much longer at my job. I expend so much energy trying to appear like I am doing my job that I feel I have none left over. Sometimes I think about hurting other people, or wishing bad things would happen to them - but never my family or friends or animals (I love them). Mostly strangers, people who hurt my family in any way in the far past, someone who annoyed me or their bratty kids at the store or other random persons...I truly feel that I would never act on these thoughts though but get some kind of weird satisfaction in thinking them. I am really messed up huh...I know I would be better off if I wasnt here on this earth as the pain I feel daily is just so overwhelming and no medication, treatments, anything have helped me. The last psychiatrist I went to diagnosed me with ADD and gave me ritalin and tried lots of different anti-depressents. I feel that I should be locked away somewhere for treatment, yet I am imprisoned in my own skin and home and job. If I did get better how would I learn to live normally again? I feel like I havent for so long that I wouldnt know where to start....and if I dont get better I dont know what is to become of me, but I cant live like this much longer. sorry for this long and pitiful message. I hope someone has some advice for me or if there are others like me out there that they share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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