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wife made a mistake, I have pure O and cant let it go


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I have suffered from pure O mainly, with my compulsion i guess asking for re assurance if I didnt like an intrusive thought, and then i would move on... probably a mild case, yet at the initial time when i did not know what ocd was, it was very confusing, scary, and I felt there was no one else in the world goping through this....I have always tried to be "perfect" in every way, best husband, best sports person, fitness proffesional, trying to prove to myself that hey, I am a good guy with good qualities.

I have been with my wife for nearly 20 years, i am 35 now, we have a beautiful child, she was a model and beautiful girl in every way, sound principals and nature,and were very much in love, she is always there for me, and I for her, good communication, hardly ever argued, you could say we made the best team. her boss who had a fixation on her for 7 years I later found out, at a work function got my wife very drunk ( she doesn't usually drink) and took advantage of that situation in the worst way... and she came to me pretty much straight away and told me what happened.., having everything, i now had NOTHING, I had lost my besy friend, my partner of nearly 20 years,the innocence had gone, I was no longer the only person in this world that had been with my beautiful wife. She was shattered too, didn't know how the hell, he managed to 1. get her to drink, 2. manipulate her against her will ( she was pretty much unconscious, not being a drinker) 3. go against her strong morals.

I look at the situation as a boss, who used his position of trust (she thought he would look after her at the function being her "friend"), to manipulate an innocent person, ( i thought she should have looked outside the square at his motives, and seen what he was really doing). I realise that people can make mistakes, but I just can not get over this, I swing in my moods constantly, I have gone from a very confident person, to one that is unsure about many things, I rushed out to try and get revenge against this situation with the opposite sex.

I am constantly going over how I am going to take revenge against that arsehole who changed my family, and i am trying not to go to jail over this... it has been nearly 3 years, and my wife has mostly been there for me, except when she found out about my revenge acts ( which I hate, because I would never ever have gone and done that, I tried to be the best husband, and always knocked back advances in the past, I am a personal trainer and part time male model, and got tested quiet a lot)( I have lowered my standards and feel ashamed)

my question is how do I move on from this when I can not get everything out of my head??? constantly now, intrusive thoughts of exagerated images that haunt me, the whoile incedent lasted seconds apparently, but in my head it is made into hours, and this and that and this etc etc causing my emotions to spiral, I hate it, I try and smile, but inside I am seething, and i just want to raise my family in peace and happiness for which I stood for, not have these years taken for good that can never be replaced.

I have never taken anti deppresants as I didn't want to be on them, I could beat this ocd myself, and had it under control for 12 years, since this I have seen a psychologist, and I can see what i have to do, I understand it, I mean I can give advice to my personal training clients about these matters and I do, but I just cant seem to put it into practice because of the underlying bitterness, anger, shock, sadness, disbeleif...do you know anyone who makes time machine's?? lol....


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