Umm...I don't really know what's wrong.

[EmpressLeo]

My concern isn't really big as I don't really want to change and I like the way I feel but that in itself is not a good thing and I'm aware of this which is why I'm inquiring. Make sense? Mkay.

I've always been somewhat apathetic and that apathy only grows with my age. I hate the fact that there are things regarding other people that I care about but for the most part I remain detached from my emotions. They have become more blunted with each passing year. It's beginning to affect my job performance (I work in retail sales and absolutely hate it because I really don't give a shit if people get what they come in for) but my boss SOMEHOW has faith that I do indeed bring a lot to the table and he's not the only one to say that to me. I don't see it whatsoever because I don't really try and often forget my tasks. Anyway, I take pride in the fact that when I see a hurt child, I could care less if they died or not, as long as it doesn't impact me. And that generally goes for anybody, not just children. That was an example. I'm even known among a few friends and family as having "one emotion" or blunted emotions. Still, I care or act like I care when I really don't. I only do it so that nothing ill will come my way and not for the benefit of the other party. I forget things really easily and frequently and none of my friends expect me to remember anything anyway. It could be a life changing event and I'd be prone to forget about it.

I'm often mentally telling myself that nothing anyone says to me is important unless I deem it so and I like that. I don't want to care about people and their problems and I love it. I reward myself when I successfully shrug off something seemingly important. I know I'm not a sociopath or anything like that because that's just top of the line (but I have always idolized the Joker) but the fact that I actually seek this type of behavior in myself is something that I realize is a bit off kilter. Honestly, I'm not even sure if what I type here is really worth typing because it seems so minor to me. Very minor. Nor do I know how to continue with my explanation or if it indeed describes what I feel. I don't really feel anything. I don't want to feel anything but I think I have to. I think.

[Natalie]

Hi EmpressLeo-

This is a very interesting post- thanks for putting it out there. On the one hand, you don't think you have a problem and you don't want to change, yet, on the other hand, you have a sneaking suspicion that you aren't like other people and perhaps "should" change. The situation you describe may be a sign of a personality disorder, which is a long standing pattern of behavior, thoughts, relationships that is outside the norm. Obviously, this becomes a problem if it interferes with your work, your relationships, or your quality of life.

I encourage you to take a look at our article on Personality Disorders to see if you meet the criteria for any of those types of issues. People with personality disorders typically don't respond well to medication therapy, but can be helped with certain forms of psychotherapy (especially one therapy form called DBT by Marsha Linehan) .... if they want to put in the time and effort necessary to change.

Can you tell us more about yourself?

[EmpressLeo]

Well, I'm 24 and a couple of years ago (about 2 or 3) I broke down to my couselor at school who sent me to a mental couselor and I was perscribed adderall for mild depression. I was close to suicidal as I used to cut my arm but never deep enough for real danger (too afraid), plus the pain felt really good. Somehow, I got over that and stopped going to couseling without warning and stopped taking the meds. Recently, my dad had surgery for cancer and is for now largely dependant on me and my bro. I'm sure that plays a huge part in elevating what I'm going through. I really wish he would die so I could move on and I feel no remorse for my thoughts. I really want him gone if I have to keep putting my life on hold. Stuck at a job I hate making it difficult to go back to school. I've never felt strongly for any family member or friend like I think I'm supposed to. I find it REALLY hard to truly care about someone. I do care most times but I don't like the burden of being obligated to care for people I didn't ask for. But if I stop then there's the guilt and morality, then they'll stop caring. So I have to pretend. Honestly, it's not that I don't care, it doesn't run deep and unconditional like I guess it's supposed to.

P.S.: I don't have a history of mental illness and nor does anyone in my family to my knowledge. My childhood was good with both parents being there and me and my bro didn't have sibling rivalry. Normal childhood. But why should I HAVE to feel a certain way? Do I have to?

[Mark]

But why should I HAVE to feel a certain way? Do I have to?

No - you don't have to. but most people do just naturally. the fact that you don't end up caring deeply about at least some things in your life is untypical, but not unheard of.

There are a few conditions that could lead someone to present the way you are presenting. First, it could be depression - a long standing mild depression such as dysthymia that never really gets too bad but never lets things get good either. When you're depressed, your motivation goes off and it becomes harder to experience good rewarding feelings from things that would normally be experienced as rewarding.

Another possibility is that you have some sort of mild antisocial-personality-like condition. People think of antisocial personality as equivalent to psycho killers but it's not like that. Really extreme antisocial personalities can be psycho killers, but the run of the mill antisocial personality is simply someone who characteristically doesn't give a shit. The condition is diagnosed on the basis of the behavior that manifests not giving a shit: lying, breaking the law, irrresponsibility, aggressiveness, lack of remorse - but it is perfectly possible to not give a shit and still conform to the laws and the expectations of those around you. You wouldn't be diagnosable, but it'd be a matter of degrees, not a matter of quality.

In your case, it sounds like you don't care much, but you put up a facade like you do. that sounds like even if you don't invest much in other people, at least you fear punishment for deviating from what others expect.

Then there are lots of reasons why people decide to not care because they do care and don't want to get hurt.

Let's go with the idea that this is something like a depression, which is reversable, and which you've been suggested to have before. You did medication treatment for depression. Did that help you at all? Have you ever been to psychotherapy for depression? Would you be interested in that?

Mark

[EmpressLeo]

The most I've done as far as help is the counseling and medication mentioned earlier but again, whatever my problem was/is has never been bad enough for me to really really need help. There are just times such as now when I notice whatever "abnormal" feelings I may have a lot more than at other times. Dysthymia was the depression that I was told was more than likely the culprit and I also forgot to mention that the counselor said that it was possible that ADD was a possibility (type II which is inattentive type). I think at that point I was losing interest in counseling since although I wasn't feeling like my "normal" self, I always assumed there was nothing REALLY wrong with me, like whatever I was going through might be nothing compared to whoever might walk in the door next. I tend to believe that my life problems (like money, social issues, being late for something, etc...) hold more weight than my mental problems, regardless of how mundane the real life problems might be. I could be ready to kill myself and think it's not worth mentioning to someone versus the fact that my boss shook a finger at me for being 20 mins late and then laugh it off.

I'm not sure why but it's like I have a disregard for my mental health because even as I seek some type of advice now, I'm always hoping that no one has a real answer and maybe I'll get more unstable. It's like it's a goal or something. I KNOW it's not a good goal to have. I spent 2 hours this morning saying to myself in my head that something IS wrong with me. I'm trying to force mental illness on myself at the same time that I reach out for help. It so damn stupid when I think about it. Why on Earth would I wish this on myself? That's the stupidest thing in the history of forever. But, you hit the nail on the head when you said I fear the consequences of antisocial action, which I do.

I don't think I'm taken seriously because I admit the fact that I do it on purpose so why wouldn't even a professional sit there and think 'She's making this up! She just wants attention.' I don't need attention and there's nothing wrong with me at all but the way I force it makes it all wrong. I'm my own depression that doesn't mean anything to anyone. Not even myself most of all. I would be interested in treatment but I CANNOT afford it. I have a hard enough time paying bills, let alone worry about my brain waves. I ramble too much because I don't know how to put it all into words.....

EDIT: The word "validation" hit me just now. I don't know what I want to validate. I. Really. Hate. Being. So. Conflicting. With myself.

Edited July 23, 2008 by EmpressLeo
After thought.

[EmpressLeo]

I don't think I get my point across.

[xaq75]

... ... I've always been somewhat apathetic and that apathy only grows with my age. I hate the fact that there are things regarding other people that I care about but for the most part I remain detached from my emotions. They have become more blunted with each passing year. ... ...

I think I might know what your talking about. Most of the time I feel strangly semi-detached from positive sensations/perceptions I'm having but am more tuned into the negative aspects. I sometimes think to myself whether I'm just perceiving something thats expected rather than something thats genuine, like mirroring. I'm also wondering if there might be some degree of Emotional Deprivation type stuff at play here as you have mentioned just 'playing along' and acting like you care when you feel you really don't yet you mention things that you do care about.

I'm curious and pardon me for asking, but how do you feel over situations where strong emotions are usually at play, such as sexual attraction or dodging an oncoming bus or flipping the bird at an abuser?

Perhaps the old Amygdala needs a little wining and dining;)

[EmpressLeo]

I definitely feel things such as attraction or the rush felt when bus dodging (not that I know what that one actually feels like), but I hate being held captive of emotion and I very quickly take steps to numb it all out but of course these types of intense feelings are harder to push away because it has everything to do with me rather than me having to listen to a sob story about someone's mother dying. I don't care.

And perhaps my amygdala does need "whinin and dining", however that's accomplished. I think if I DID have a personality disorder, it'd be schizoid. But none of my symptoms are strong enough for diagnosis and it doesn't really interefere with my life beyond me have a war in my own head. Although my apathy is really starting to show at work. I'm taking time off in August.

[Mark]

It's probably not schizoid behavior that you describe, although I see why you are going there. But you seem to me to be too interested in communicating with other people to be truly schizoid. Schizoid people are really solitary. It's true they show the blunting you describe, but really you aren't saying that you are unmotivated by things - just unmotivated by stuff that isn't about you. True schizod folks are just unmotivated, "taking pleasure in few, if any, activities"

[EmpressLeo]

Thanks, Mark. I think I'm on my way to finding my validation. I knew nothing was actually wrong with me. I suppose I don't need help, only some advice every now and then. Despite how much I might try to convince myself, I don't have an illness.

[DorKul]

What you've written sounds a little familiar to me, even though not all of it. I've spent most of my life feeling that I don't have the "natural" feelings that society says you should have, but faking it really well. What Mark wrote sounds like he knows what he's talking about, but I would also support taking a really good look at what society expects you to feel or think. Sometimes it's not you that's making the mistake.

[nothrillsjustpills]

It's the adderall. It does that to everybody. If you google it or any of your symptoms in regard to taking adderall you'll find a ton of other people feel the same. Even me. Everything is always just..there...

It tends to blunt your emotions for your brain is using the logic side and not the emotional side when you take it.