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texasgirl
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I'm finding my self clawing when I'm awake, it's like I don't relize what I'm doing till it's done. What the hell is wrong with me ?

I will not go back to being like this, I do not want to be this way again. I will not let this continue. Whatever it takes.

Edited by texasgirl
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hi texusgirl my name is marie1512 i have been self harming for 15 years it started whith scratching my self and soon ternd in to me slashing my self whith razer blads doing realy bad dammage and nerly killing me on meny ocasions i beg you please get some help for this befor you end up doing some sereuse damage i am allways on line so if you ever need someone to talk to im allways hear my name is marie 1512 i hope to hear from you soon god bless and dont worry lots of people are going threw what you are going threw so keep your chin up:)

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Katie,

I'm so sorry that you are having a resurgence of your self-injury symptoms.

I've had the impression that you become dissociative at times, and this clawing when you're awake may be a manifestation of that dissociation. It's not possible to know for sure, but that is my impression based on what you've shared.

This dissociation, in combination with the self-injury issue you've spoken about many times is a problem that will resist most self-help efforts. It was wonderful that you had a reprieve for a few weeks just a little while ago, but we're seeing that the traumas you've endured are not just going to go away.

These problems really require experienced professional assistance, and a long term plan of care, maybe of a type that is not available in your small Texas town. I know there are money problems, and I know very well that the public and private health care system available to you is in crisis. I know that you can't afford care. But care is necessary if you are going to make a dent in this problem. I've suggested before that Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and/or EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy are reasonable goals to pursue, and I'll say it again.

Mark

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Mark,

I don't think it really matters any more, I need to just accept the fact that this is how I'm gonna be. I'll keep clawing off and on until I have no skin left I suppose and hiding myself when I become like this. I'm tired trying...

Won't bother y'all again......

Katie

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Katie,

We want you to "bother us" again. That is what we are her for and it is not a "bother" to us. Please keep writing and keep us informed.

Allan

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There seems to be a relationship dynamic occuring here - something like pursued and pursuer. When you get frustrated, you say that things are bad and then you say that you won't bother us again - this has happened several times now. The implicit message is that we should come after you and encourage you to come back to us, and this is indeed what we have done and are doing now. Sometimes we don't pursue, and when that happens, you go away for a while and then come back later on. I want to say that it isn't necessary to go through this cycle of you inviting us to pursue you. We're not perfect and we're not available 100% of the time, but we are here and if you want to be here with us and talk and share with us, we'll be here.

From what you have shared, your symptoms are pretty stable over time - you have some periods of reprieve where the self-injury stops for a while, but then inevitably it seems, the night terrors come back and the self-injury returns. My impression is that you've been traumatized by past abuse, and that professional help in the form of the psychotherapies I've described elsewhere (DBT and EMDR), possibly combined with psychiatric medication is going to offer you the best chance for extended relief.

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Katie,

Please don't be angry - I'm not trying to drive you away or punish you or anything like that. I'd like to see you get the help you appear to need, is all, and we've been around the block about how difficult it will be to accomplish that. Nothing new there. As for me pointing out patterns that I perceive, well, maybe that could be helpful under some circumstances. Apparently, it isn't helpful in this one. I'm sorry if I've upset you.

I haven't been able to find any way to delete user accounts within this vbulletin software (others have asked me before you, FYI), so my standing advice is to just abandon any account that you don't want anymore.

Hope you decide to stick around.

Mark

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As for me pointing out patterns that I perceive, well, maybe that could be helpful under some circumstances. Apparently, it isn't helpful in this one.

Mark

I'd like to mention that Mark's observations may end up being useful to Katie despite her apparently angry reaction.

I recall his pointing out to me in another thread how my anger was perhaps a reaction to something deeper being triggered in me by my therapist.

Perhaps Katie's strong reaction to Mark's comments may be a result of his having touched on an area that she might benefit from looking at more closely. So even though she wants her account deleted, Mark may have "planted a seed" that she will learn from upon later reflection.

Just a thought...

Catmom

Edited by Catmom
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Texasgirl and Catmom,

I agree with you Catmom :).

In fact, Texasgirl, I know from myself personally, that when I have a strong emotional reaction to something like this, it is important that I look closely look at it.

Texasgirl, please don't quit the site. You are an important contributor and it's good to have you around. I hope you will reconsider.

Allan

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi texasgirl,

In answer to your question: "what do you all think I need to take a closer look at?" I don't know. :) Actually, I wonder about a couple of things? Did Mark's comments make you angry? Do you have a pattern of fleeing when you get angry?

Allan :)

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Allan,

No I was not angry, I don't get angry very often. When I feel confronted or threatened or I sence anger, yes I run and hide and shut down. I know it's not the best way to handle it, that is how I learned to handle the abuse as a child. I guess that is how I stayed "safe" or safer that way. We lived in the mountains of Colorado when I was a child, my back yard was open mountain range. I would frequently hide in those mountains ,just out of my parents sight but not far enough I could still hear them fight. I guess I thought my chances were better with the bob cats and wolves than at home.

I was never angry with Mark or any of you, my defences went off. :)

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Texasgirl,

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I understand. Many, many people who were abused as children similar responses when they sense anger. First, because of the history of abuse, they sense anger (or think they do) and "head for the mountains" in search of safety.

What is interesting about the Internet, at least in my opinion, is that it is easy to misinterpret responses as being angry when that was not the intention of the sender. I believe it is the absence of "body language" so that the words have to stand alone. Alone, the written word is easy to misinterpret.

Now, similar misunderstandings even when talking directly to someone in the same room, especially if someone has a history of having been abused. It is just that on the internet it seems to happen more often.

What to do about this here on the internet? Especially with us any of our members are welcome to ask if any of us are angry.

What do you and others think?

Allan

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