Just would like some advice.

[Eprev20]

Hello,

Im 20 years old, have a 2 and a half yr old daughter whom was concieved by someone else, im married to her mother now and have a child of my own on the way.. I have only one problem though, I seem to get upset over past things she has done. And that she had lied to me about them to my face. Ill just be sitting there and it will pop up into my head then she tried to talk to me and it just gets my temper to flair up more. I have never hit her nor will i ever but it just scares me cause when she proceeds to keep asking me what is wrong i just yell more. She tries to hold me to come me down but it just gets me more angry and then she gets upset. And my anger gets sparked up by the easiest of things.. I didnt used to be like that with anyone else, just her and idk why. I just need some advice on how to calm down, cause walking away or wanting to go for a walk to think doesnt work for her. she just gets upset more, then i feel bad about it. SO is there anything that can help me get past my thoughts of past mistakes she has made and what i can do to calm down since i cant go outside or step away from it? thank you

EP

[Mark]

Eprev20,

You're certainly not alone in having relationship difficulties and anger problems, but many people don't seek out help until it is too late, so I commend you on that one. Trying to improve the situation before it becomes really negative is important and speaks well of you.

It may be that you and your wife have some chemistry or history that gets on your nerves and that you would not be so angry with a different woman. But you are with this woman and she is about to have your child and together you are raising your other child who is innocent and who needs a good father, so I suggest you stick around to play this hand of cards out if you can.

I'm thinking that marriage counseling would be the logical thing to try given your report here. The two of you are not understanding one another's needs, and are persisting in trying to manage your conflicted interactions in ways that don't work for the other. More of the same isn't going to help make things better. So you need to figure out a different way of approaching one another that better fits each other's needs. Doing this work with a marriage counselor is often a best way to go about it, becuase the marriage counselor has seen a 1000 couples before and knows the problems and the shortcuts to fixing those problems, and also because the counselor can act as a traffic cop, keeping your discussion from degenerating into anger or fighting.

You don't say what this past history is that your wife did and what she lied about - but it has clearly wounded you and you maybe don't trust her. You need to get past that feeling of distrust if you can, and the way to do that is to figure out what she would need to do to demonstrate she is trustworthy to you, if that is possible. You maybe also would benefit from doing some thinking on your own about why you feel so hurt, and whether it is possible for you to live with a certain level of distrust and still feel okay about it. People do grow sometimes; recognizing mistakes and learning to not make them again. But sometimes they also don't recognize mistakes. It's important to be able to discriminate the difference if you can.

It's important that you get a grip on your anger, for multiple reasons - becuase this is the slippery slope towards domestic abuse and becuase if the police are ever called out to your home, it's going to be you they carry away from the scene and throw in jail - not your wife. Please read over our anger management topic center article for information on anger management programs.

[MickyP]

I agree with Mark on the slope it seems to be heading towards. You need to work on the hostility and finding what ignites the flame. Draw an imaginary line in the sand and put yesterday on one side and leave it there until you can pinpoint where the problem is and discuss it rationally without any arguing. Once any issue you want to discuss has been discussed, close it permanently. Never bring that up again because it's just fuel.

You're 20, one kid here and another coming, they don't need to see the fighting and instability and you sure don't need a domestic violence charge following you around for the rest of your life.